I sit beside myself, an absence waiting
not to be filled nor emptied
just there as another way to be
I watch as I lift a cup
seeing thoughts drift here and there
attended to only as the weather
no distraction from the tea
fragrant and green with a vegetal edge
perfect in this moment
nothing can happen nothing can change
the morning will always be
the blast of the train before it blocks the road
and the crows sharpening their gaze
remember how heavy time hung in the air
in the hot afternoon of childhood
moments dripping like limp leaves from the mimosa tree
disappearing faster than that one cicada brood
every labored breath took me forward
every fall a type of momentum
early lessons that any route leads somewhere
even for the dead
and when you walk down the street
that one line so sharp incisive
piercing your heart your gut the base of your spine
you leave a bloody trail
memories blending with viscera in your wake
you don’t even realize this until you stop
then cannot reach for the door
you are missing an arm a leg a rib or two
but still stand lost in wonder
the beauty worth the unseen cost
walk across a rainbow street
without looking both ways at once
for a truck that will speed to hit me
eat rich garlic ramen
so spicy that my mouth goes numb
and I grab for the can of cool jasmine tea
dress up down shave my head
black leather vest
sardonic gaze and confident gait
go to a club a bookstore a tea house
any random shop
welcome without personal regard
I can just I can just I can just
be
memories carefully folded just so
packed between thin layers of mountain sky
the light behind the ridge as the sun set
making the trees shine like gold
not as bright as the love I’ve found
scattered in these hills and hollers
stubbornly lodged like Creeper dust
seeped like water down a steep decline
healing wounds I thought would never close
and so when they ask where I’m from
I’ll call this place home
it was not the food itself I bought
but the memory of care
I was ill and someone made a special trip
to that store on the edge of town
for this one thing that helped me
as I slowly relearned how to eat
and then you showed a similar attention
remarkable for this day and time
with a grin that has always made me glad
a smile that bids a happy welcome
such kindnesses might seem small
but these form the web of the world
building connections to things unseen
with unwavering threads of regard
I often feel made of grief
a container for the world’s tears
the mourning that runs wild
at the first realization of loss
I accepted this task early
designed my shell for this job
a fragile human carapace
with sharp humor for protection
and laughter threaded through
for this absurd reason I was born
for this absurd reason I did not die
for this absurd reason I exist
but today I will put on my shoes
and walk until I am gone
away from the chatter the back and forth
the busy rumble of any town
walk through the trail with its trees and birds
quieter sounds but noise even so
walk until I have disappeared into stillness
one step then another then no more
the cup shattered on the floor
one sharp fragment in my hand
its celadon slightly tinged with red
in silence I pour tea over the scards
then kneel amongst the wet debris
and with the heavy tetsubin’s base
smash each piece into dust
no kintsugi dreams this day
pacing with quick steps
here to this task then away before it’s begun
talking in jittery sentences
about this but no this and then this instead
missed deadlines forgotten meetings
schedules entirely gone awry
this worry a constant frantic scrum
yet only a surface scribble
the skull grins fleshless in the mirror
we cannot bear to look
