it was not the food itself I bought
but the memory of care
I was ill and someone made a special trip
to that store on the edge of town
for this one thing that helped me
as I slowly relearned how to eat
and then you showed a similar attention
remarkable for this day and time
with a grin that has always made me glad
a smile that bids a happy welcome
such kindnesses might seem small
but these form the web of the world
building connections to things unseen
with unwavering threads of regard
I often feel made of grief
a container for the world’s tears
the mourning that runs wild
at the first realization of loss
I accepted this task early
designed my shell for this job
a fragile human carapace
with sharp humor for protection
and laughter threaded through
for this absurd reason I was born
for this absurd reason I did not die
for this absurd reason I exist
but today I will put on my shoes
and walk until I am gone
away from the chatter the back and forth
the busy rumble of any town
walk through the trail with its trees and birds
quieter sounds but noise even so
walk until I have disappeared into stillness
one step then another then no more
the cup shattered on the floor
one sharp fragment in my hand
its celadon slightly tinged with red
in silence I pour tea over the scards
then kneel amongst the wet debris
and with the heavy tetsubin’s base
smash each piece into dust
no kintsugi dreams this day
pacing with quick steps
here to this task then away before it’s begun
talking in jittery sentences
about this but no this and then this instead
missed deadlines forgotten meetings
schedules entirely gone awry
this worry a constant frantic scrum
yet only a surface scribble
the skull grins fleshless in the mirror
we cannot bear to look
to take flight
enter into the soar of unknown
arms become wings
laugh as you crash exult as you fly
this yes yes
different by far than fleeing
do not run from
always run towards
a hard edge to a hard question
in a hard voice with a hard look
best reply is a laugh and a smile
same place as you
dirt water air mud rain rock snow
all any of us have
just in different configurations
if you think your breath better
who’s the alien here
to mourn for a land not mine
a place I’ve never called home
with ways and customs strange
words that never fit my mouth
and not this place alone
but every place I’ve been
not ever mine but a stranger there
and somehow invited in
I grieve for the loss of welcome
the hearth’s warmth once freely shared
none of us are from here
yet we breathe common air
if we hold too fast to fences
turn all to enemies on the other side
we’ll die alone and friendless
with no one even to close our eyes
if I wait, then I do not live
I breathe each breath as if it is my last
because it is and my first but most of all
my only breath
I live like this
each moment completely enough
whatever it brings my resting place
and sometimes if I find the need
I’ll offer carefully in an outstretched hand
spaciousness balanced just so
a frozen luster covers the trees
a glacial gloss tinged with blue
her gaze icier than this landscape
darker than the midnight sky
the wind chills with killing sharpness
linger too long, and you will die
so too said her expression
I left a trail of glittering tears
for no one as I walked away
