Hallway to Nowhere

Author: Kel

  • The Tipping Point

    The Tipping Point

    WARNING: This blog contains possible triggering content, if you have mental health issues. Or maybe even if you don’t. Idk. Heavy seas ahead, just sayin….

    I’ve been alarming my internist this past year. She’s sent the roving social worker to check on mental health state. I now have a diagnosis of “recurrent major depression” on her books. We’ve discussed this. BUT….here’s the thing, and why a trip that is upcoming to my pdoc is unlikely to prove much good:

    Depression that is REALITY-based is not actual depression, far as I can see. That is more an accurate assessment of the lay of the land. And from where I sit, I have some legit claims to being a tad morose: Complicated health concerns that are painful, ongoing, getting worse; harassment in my community b/c of gender/orientation/religious beliefs; problematic living conditions; financial concerns that are unlikely to abate, as getting older brings more costs (see the “complicated health concerns”. The current political environment doesn’t help, as it fosters anxiety AND encourages those who like to bully those are different, i.e. people like ME. Ever been the target of a drive-by-Trump rant (PRO)? I have, and it’s not a pleasant thing. No idea WHY I was chosen-was wearing no political gear that day, reading no political book. Maybe I just give off “progressive vibes” or something.

    My pdoc is of NO help. The last time I saw him was around the first of the year. His suggestions were to avoid politics and not read the news. Yeah, doc. How’s THAT working out for you? When I go to his office, his secretary is always playing a Christian station. Don’t know if this is HER or if HE is like this also, and that’s why he is telling me such stupid stuff. He’s the best with meds I’ve ever found, the reason I stick with him. But as a therapist, he sorta sucks.His WIFE was much better-old school, listened, AND knew her meds. But she isn’t available. He keeps this up, I might be looking for a new doc. It’s not like I need complicated meds any longer-I value his opinion on psych meds and neuro meds, and he does know his stuff. But his advice on what to do is really off base. I find it SO useless and SO offensive that I’m going to ask him for a referral when I go see him next week. As the kids say, ain’t nobody got time for that!

    What I’m wondering is: when do you reach the tipping point? When you finally say on a personal level, “Enough is enough!” So far I keep telling myself I can go on. But everyday, it seems like I have to make this decision anew. It’s not a given anymore. Do most people take life for granted? I don’t. I wake up and and think about it.  Right now the balance of this is still on the LIVE side. But that might very well change. I don’t know what would cause it to tip. The death of Miss P? I could see that doing it. A bad election? Another new diagnosis?

    By the way, I’ve found a home for Miss P, should something untoward happen to me (the flu, pneumonia, etc.) Thank you all, everyone, who was kind enough to consider being her new home!

  • Confronting Charlottesville-One year Later

    One year has passed since the debacle at Charlottesville. One year has passed since my own encounters with various forms of hateful acts, but two especially occurred in respect to Charlottesville. (See my blog post entitled Finding No Comfort At A CandleLight Vigil.) While I had reported the drivers who made the remarks that I referenced in this entry, I had never addressed the drivers personally. I decided the time had come to do so. I wrote letters to both men, as they are still driving transit. Here is one letter:

    The anniversary of Charlottesville is at hand. I don’t know if you recall telling me I should be deported, but I assure you I most assuredly do do. I’ve never spoken to you regarding this, but it made a profound impact on me. I’ve pondered it over and over during the past year.

    B/c I realize you might indeed not remember, here is what transpired. Juanita was riding transit and was visibly upset about the possibility of violence coming to Abingdon. I attempted to comfort her and assure her that she was safe. She patted my hand and told me. “god bless you.” I replied to her, “Thank you.” And THEN you, transit driver, interjected unasked into the conversation THIS: “Oh, she’s (meaning me) laughing at you…she doesn’t believe in god!” This further upset Juanita, who now thinks her friend who is going to hell! She got off of transit even more troubled.  I am saddened and aghast that you used one of transit’s most vulnerable passengers to target your anger over my beliefs/politics/orientation. And all I said to you afterwards was, “You know, the 1st Amendment applies to me also.” And your reply was as follows: “No, it doesn’t. You don’t believe in a Christian god. You’re one of them atheists. You should be deported!” (I’m curious-what country did you have mind for me?)

    So. Thank you for making me much less safe on public transit. Thank you for making me feel much less welcome in my own country. Thank you for setting an example for “good Christians” everywhere. Thank you for showing me who you are. And finally, thank you for giving much to think about over the past year.  I know that I have the reputation of being “the militant” on public transit. But I’ve always endeavored to treat my fellow passengers and the drivers with kindness and respect. I shall continue to do so, though I have no deity instructing me do so. I hope that you do likewise.

     

  • Why I’m Campaigning (And Voting) For Anthony Flaccavento

    I am a volunteer for Anthony Flaccavento in Abingdon, VA. Sometimes people will ask me why I am working to get him elected. I decided to put my reasons down on paper, so to speak. A written testimonial, if you were.

    First and foremost: Character matters, now more than ever.  Anthony is one of the most decent thoughtful individuals I’ve met. I’ve known him for many years, going back to when I lived here before and he ran the first time. He’s never wavered in his unfailing kindness and regard for those around him. This is reflected in his business and his accomplishments, most notably Appalachian Sustainable Agriculture. (Love your local farmer’s market? Might consider voting for Anthony, as ASD has been instrumental in the development and nurturance of these all across Appalachia.)

    Second. He is a Man With A Plan, what I call a “concrete visionary.” His rural progressive platform and other such ideas are very specific to this region, which is what we need here. He has definite ideas for what could be done across Appalachia, economically and in other areas. I won’t enumerate them here, as he does a much better job than I. I refer you to his excellent website (flacc4congress.com or to explore his rural progressive platform in depth, ruralprogressivepolitcs.files.wordpress.com) or his book (Building A Healthy Economy From The Bottom Up: Harnessing Real-World Experience For Transformative Change), should you wish to delve further.

    Third. Anthony listens and Anthony shows up. If you are a constituent of his and call him with a problem, you WILL be heard and he WILL endeavor to address your concerns. I am certain of this. You won’t get some robo-form letter that says the same thing for  every reason you call the office , regardless of WHY you call. ( Yes, Morgan Griffith, I’m talking about YOU!) And Anthony will show up in Congress to DO HIS JOB AND ALSO VISIT THE 9TH DISTRICT! Imagine seeing your Congressman eating at a local restaurant! Being able to visit with him! Talk to him! Wouldn’t THAT be nice?

    There are many other reasons, too. But these are the big three. I hope to see you at the polls on Nov 6!

  • Here’s Why The Dems Will Lose The Midterms And Possibly 2020

    I just watched the debate between Tim Kaine and Corey Stewart. I found Corey to be Hobbesian in the extreme in his answers, i.e. nasty, brutish, and short, as least as far as the facts were concerned. However, and I say this as someone who is devoting my time to HELP Kaine and Flaccavento  get elected on NOV 6th in Virginia, Corey Stewart owned the debate. He turned it away from a  debate between two people running for office in Virginia and into a referendum on support for Donald Trump. Kaine seemed either unable or unwilling to stop this, and so rather than being able to do a back and forth debate on his positions or policies, was forced into a showdown over his (lack of) support of  Trump. When Kaine attempted in vain to show that he had in fact worked with the administration on a variety of policies, for how could he NOT-that’s his JOB as a U.S. Senator and ranking member of several committees, Stewart steamrolled over his answers and kept up  his drumbeat of Kaine being “a weak ultra-liberal who takes his marching orders from Chuck Shumer, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton.” I’m merely surprised that George Soros never got mentioned. Perhaps he’s saving George for later.

    The audience (The Virginia Bar Association) ate Corey’s little heap o’ Trump right up. They even booed Tim Kaine, one of the nicest and most decent guys I’ve ever met. And I fear that this WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN.  The rules have changed, you see, and a lot of liberal Democrats haven’t caught up. I’m NOT saying we play by Trump’s rules and engage in this sort of gaslighting, what-aboutism, deflection, and flat-out lying. But I AM desperately saying that we NEED TO LEARN WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!! Study George Lakeoff, for example. (The Blue Book is an excellent introduction.) Listen to his webinars and videos on idea-framing. and other concepts. Amanda Carpenter is another person, not nearly as academic but still very good, who has written on Trump’s technique…she is a REPUBLICAN. (The book is Gaslighting America: Why We Love When Trump Lies To Us.)

    We keep thinking that if we point out the flaws in their arguments, the contradictions in their statements, or their actual lies, that this is going to change hearts and minds. For the few out there that are primarily cerebral, perhaps this is effective. But this is not what the game is about any longer-to our opponents. They have have given up on the whole reason and logic front altogether and moved to occupy tribalism and emotional satisfaction instead. But damn,  they do this SO WELL! (I mean, if a person living here on Disability REALLY contemplated it, he might have to admit that Trump is one of the very elites he claims to despise and has zero in common with ANYONE living in Appalachia.) But it’s not about that. It’s about how rooting for Trump makes them FEEL. Do people REALLY think a border wall is going to happen or will actually work? Well, no, not really. But it definitely FEELS right and good to say (or chant with your buddies), “Build that wall! Build that wall!” And it’s a heck of a lot easier to say (and think about) than “enact sensible immigration policies that will give us a coherent system for dealing with people who are seeking asylum and those who wish to come for other reasons  economic and cultural and climate-related and oh, do something too to help conditions in the countries that they are leaving” .

    Okay, Back from my tangent. The point I’m trying to make is that I fear a LOT of good Democrats are STILL missing the point. I want these people to WAKE UP. Otherwise, I fear I will awaken on Nov. 6th to find my beloved state of Virginia a blue bastion no longer: Tim Kaine loses to Corey Stewart; Anthony Flaccavento loses to Morgan Griffith; and in my nightmares, 2020 rolls around and America gets Donald J. Trump and ilk for another 4 years or worse. PLEASE STOP THIS!!!

  • Three Guys With Guns

    At first read, this story sounds like an NRA ad come true: two good guys with guns save the day when they come to  the aid and kill a bad guy with a gun. But upon further perusal, you quickly realize that by the admittance of all involved (except the bad guy-he’s dead), this was a narrowly-avoided clusterf&ck. Here’s what happened:

    A shooter approached a restaurant in OKC and opened fire upon its front. The first good guy hears the gunfire, arms, and goes to the scene of the shooting. The second good guy happened to be driving past and stopped to see what was transpiring. When he was told of a shooter, HE arms himself and proceeds to the scene. So. You have the shooter. Good guy one. And good guy two. They concurrently decide the original shooter is the bad guy and shout at him to disarm. When he fails to comply, they open fire. The bad guy dies of multiple gunshot wounds. But not before the police arrive, to find THREE guys with guns on the scene. The bad guy is down by now. But the police, exercising due diligence, handcuff all three and take all men into custody to sort out who is who. The good guys are eventually released. The bad guy, as previously reported, dies. No-one else was hurt during the incident.

    But just consider the possibilities! The good guys stated that that THEY have done so, and that it was purely a matter of luck that they didn’t mistake each OTHER for the shooter. So, just think about this. Now you have two people who are shooting at each other by mistake; an active shooter who still might intent on his original plan of action, so he is still shooting. The risk of casualties, intended or accidental, has just risen greatly. Then add to this the arrival of the police, who are of course ALSO guys with guns. How are they supposed to ID the bad guys with guns from the good guys with guns? (Hats? Idk….) In any case, I’m saying that this is getting to be WAY too many guys with guns. (And please please please don’t tell me the answer is to arm everyone. It’s too late at night for me to even begin to address THAT argument.) If the idea is to keep everyone safer, and that WAS the original intent of the whole guns-thing, this does not seem like a sensible way to be managing it. Unless we’ve changed the intent and it’s now just to protect GUNS, not people.

  • Admit To “Christian Protection” Laws

    With the recent two Supreme Court Decisions, I am most disheartened. I DID see a news clip of a rabbi (haven’t been able to find out who he was) saying something to the effect of “If you want to come after someone, come after me, you sons-of-a bitch!” Good for him! But those groups calling so LOUDLY for “religious liberty” protections? Well, OF COURSE they were celebrating the victory they got with the decision concerning what information a “medical provider” is obliged to give a women about her options when going to a crisis pregnancy center. (In case you don’t know, these places are usually run by antiabortion Christian groups. They will provide a minimum of care to the woman until she gives birth , persuade her to give the baby up for adoption or keep it-ONLY OPTIONS, then she is on her own  and SOL.)  But concerning the treatment of immigrants and the travel ban, which largely affects those from Muslim countries? Deafening silence. So. I propose they just come clean. Stop with all the trumpeting about “religious liberties,” when what they mean is protection for CHRISTIAN values, particularly those of an esp. conservative bent. After all, the POTUS has been saying outright things which should have beyond the pale  and apparently gets a mulligan every time from values voters. So hey, let’s just hear y’all start telling the truth!

  • Disturbing Encounter (With Staff) At A Ballad Healthcare Practice

    Those who know me personally have heard my various stories about my, ahem, continuing fight to ensure that Ballad (once Mountain States and Wellmont, respectively) honors its stated non-discrimination policies. You can easily read them posted on the wall of any (former) Mountain States facility you visit. This particular incident took place at a (former) Wellmont practice, though. The more I’ve reflected on it, the more perturbing I found it, so I did my research. Here’s what transpired:

    The neurologist I had been seeing at Wellmont Neurological Associates had prescribed a VERY old (but most importantly one I had never tried) anti-epileptic. He mentioned that it might be sedating. So I filled the script and got back on the AED merry-go-round. I began noticing as I titrated slowly to my therapeutic dose that I was feeling wired, like I had had 5 cups of coffee and two energy drinks. No sedation, though I read up on the med and given its profile, I should have definitely been feeling a lot less ancy, tense, and hyped up. AEDs are always tricky and sometimes unpredictable in their side effects, but I was having a paradoxical reaction (indeed). I won’t go into the other side effects, only to say that it is just a brutal drug.

    So per protocol I send my neuro a message about this through the patient portal. A week goes by. No response. Finally I get a call from his nurse, who is calling to remind me that the doctor said, “it might be a little sedating.” I tell her (politely) that that is the opposite of what I said in my message and reiterate for her the effects it was having. In addition, I asked her to request that the doctor (or whoever does this) to send me a message through the patient portal explaining exactly how  titrate down from the former AED. (He had rushed through this explanation at the office visit. There was so much we needed to cover I didn’t have a chance to take notes.) She said she would get back to me THAT AFTERNOON.

    After two weeks had passed with STILL no response from his office, I decided that, given that this physician and I did not seem to  be communicating well, I would change to a different physician in the practice. (Forget communicating, actually. He man-splained, cut me off in mid-sentence, and overall acted like a jerk. But I was willing reluctantly to put up with his delusions of grandeur, i.e. that he is a god-physician, IF HE SEEMED TO PROVIDE GOOD MEDICAL CARE. But the communication problem is a medical issue. So.)

    I called the office and told the gatekeeper (unsure of her title-but you go through her for everything) that I wished to change to a different doctor in the practice and gave her the name of the one who had been recommended (by another one of my docs). First reaction: She was SHOCKED- shocked, I tell you!-that I had the audacity to make such a request. (Surely I’m not the first person in the history of this practice to have done this?) Second reaction: She absolutely did not want to facilitate my request. First she told me I had to go through the patient portal. I informed her that 1) there was no means to do this via the portal and 2) my messages to my current physician were getting extremely misconstrued.

    Here’s the kicker: When she FINALLY agreed to do this,  she informed me that BOTH doctors would have to agree to this transfer. I was rather dumbfounded at this, having never heard of a physician  having “veto” privileges over a transfer. I could understand having to check with my proposed doctor, to ensure he had room in his practice, treated my particular neuro subset of ailments, etc. I told her to please expedite this matter and let me know what transpired. Just to cover my bases, I sent a formal request to my then-neuro asking the same. (And in both I was as always very polite and civil.) I got a call from her the next day saying my transfer had been approved but that I could not get an appt with the new guy until August.

    The more I reflected on this, the more disturbing I found it. Under common law, based on court decisions, all patients have the right to choose the physician of their choice, if the physician agrees to provide services. But I am also a Medicare (traditional, no so-call advantage plan) recipient, so there are specific Federal Guidelines that state that a patient’s choice of physicians must be honored. I believe that this is covered by  U. S. Code>Title 42> Chapter 7>Subchapter XVIII> Subsection 1395a:

    (a)Basic freedom of choice

    Any individual entitled to insurance benefits under this subchapter may obtain health services from any institution, agency, or person qualified to participate under this subchapter if such institution, agency, or person undertakes to provide him such services.

    Though the outcome was ultimately what I wished, I believe I might have a talk with the office manager at my next visit. I want to find out what their exact policy is. (I’m also consulting with a lawyer friend beforehand. not b/c I’m taking any action, just to ensure I have my facts straight regarding this.) But if what the gatekeeper said is true, then I believe this practice is engaging in FOC violations, functionally (b/c not everyone will be as persistent as I)  and certainly at least skirting the edge of violating it, if even by ignorance by the gatekeeper. (And if you work in that job, you should know what you are doing. This sort of thing could open the practice up to all kinds of trouble.)

  • Labels And Identity

    This is how I ID: Ace (asexual); FtN (Female to Neutrois); Aro (aromantic) Queer; Atheist; Progressive. That pretty much covers it. So. I often get asked, “Why use labels? Why not just be yourself?” Here is my answer.

    I use the labels I do because they EXIST now. And for me as an individual, they are wondrous concepts. Imagine spending your entire life seeing the color blue. You could try to describe the color to other people but didn’t really have the words for it. Then later in your life you discover that there are others who see the color blue, also. You find out that there ARE words for this and that BLUE is a color, and for the first time, you are able to talk about it. You are NOT alone in your weird little world, seeing this intense thing by yourself.

     

    So, there’s that aspect of it. Also, I find them useful shorthand that provides a succinct description of who I am. Since those terms are relatively unfamiliar to most in these neck of the woods except for those who take an interest in gender theory,  using them usually gives me an opportunity to give a (very) brief mini-update on nonbinary gender. Most people are open to hearing about it, though skeptical as to whether it exist “really” or if it’s just something that is made-up and  imported from those crazy people in, Idk, California…(much like some folks still think of baby kale or arugula, lol.) I don’t mind this and accept that not everyone will understand or agree. This IS SW VA. But change is coming, however slowly. And I’ll continue to use my labels and ask for my “they/their/them” pronouns. Thank you.

  • Walmart Fails To Deliver

    Amazon VS Walmart: which evil empire do you choose? In this day and age, it seems an inescapable dilemma. As much as I dislike the though of enriching Jeff Bezos any further, I must admit that after a recent with Wally-world’s remote customer service, Amazon STILL provides much better customer service, plus you will get what you actually ordered.

    Here’s what transpired: Walmart had sent me a digital coupon for 15% off, if I use their delivery service, claiming they missed me. This is mystifying, since to the best I can recall I’ve never ordered online from Walmart. But okay, I’ll use the coupon. So I order some items using their two-day shipping option. One item, Burt’s Bees Body Wash For Men, is shipped separated from the other items, and due to arrive Monday (which is actually later than the 2-day shipping promised). Monday comes, no item. Tuesday comes, And I get an email saying that my item has arrived. I check in all the usual spots it could be left-no box. I even go upstairs to look, b/c occasionally a substitute UPS person will take a box there in the mistaken view that I live there, though my mailbox is CLEARLY marked and beside my door-no box there, either. I even text my landlord to make sure no-one from his house received a parcel, just in case. Nope. So it’s clear that no delivery was made.

    I contact Walmart that evening. The first thing that happens when I do so is a roadblock that asks me if I’ve availed myself of these possible options, i.e., have I done my homework before bothering customer service. I’m thinking to myself, “um, yeah. I have.”  So I contact a virtual agent. Our interaction was pleasant enough and went quickly and easily. He sent me a replacement item at no cost with two day shipping. We’ll see if IT arrives. BUT….

    When this has happened with an Amazon item, I’m usually contacted BEFORE the item arrives so I know whom to contact if the item doesn’t arrive. The ONE time I’ve had a problem with Amazon, it was dealt with speedily and dispatch and no-one asking me had I attempted to do this, that, and the other.  And to make up for the inconvenience, Amazon gave me a 5$ credit to use. That’s the sort of thing that makes me much more inclined to go back to Amazon.

  • Transient Blues: Slings And Arrows

    Transient Blues: Slings And Arrows

    I am aghast over an incident that took place today at a local laundromat that I frequent (the Laundry Room, in Abingdon, VA). When it first opened, I had been waiting for transit on a bench out front. I had my laundry by my side and was reading my Kindle. The owner of the laundromat pulls up in his car and informs me that I have to move on. I tell him that I am waiting for transit. He says that transients aren’t welcome, that this facility is only for laundry customers. I gesture to my LAUNDRY BAG and LAUNDRY DETERGENT and reply that I just finished using his laundromat so would it be acceptable if I used his bench, while I waited for my ride? He apologized and told me that I was of course welcome to sit there while I waited. (I didn’t say this but I was also thinking, “Laundry bag. Laundry detergent. Wearing Ralph Lauren. Reading a Kindle. How does that add up to “transient”? ) But whatever.

    Now, I REALLY like his laundromat. It’s always extremely clean; the machines invariably work; I can use my credit card; there’s no annoying country music that proclaims that the white Xtian male is the supreme life form; it is safe, with security cameras even. I can leave my laundry supplies there, should I wish to walk over to Food City for groceries, and know they will be there when I return. The location is another selling point, though that’s going to change, of course, when Food City relocates. But now it’s still nice to walk to do a bit of shopping while I do laundry. BUT…..

    I was sitting in the laundromat this morning. I was not wearing my sometimes uniform of distressed jeans and beloved Docs. I had actually put on chinos (RL, as it happened), a sweater (also RL), as it was chilly, and had on a beanie b/c my head gets cold. Oh, and Uggs. Bear with me, I’ve a reason for this fashion statement. I’ve put my clothes in the washing machine. I have my Method laundry detergent sitting beside me- a bottle which prominently reads: Method LAUNDRY DETERGENT. I have my laundry bag in the chair next to me and a laundry cart next to it. I’m reading my Kindle. So. The ownder of the laundromat comes up to me…and tells me I have to move along. I’m not kidding. I look at him and say: You did NOT just do that to me again? Please tell me you did not just say that ! He THEN asks me if I’m a laundry customer! I say to him: Dude! This is the SECOND time you have done this to me! LOOK AT ME! HELLO??? He starts stammering and telling me the same story about problems with transients that he gave me before. I replied that he might have a problem with transients but I was NOT part of that problem! He told me he was sorry and left in a hurry.

    I put my clothes in the dryer and thought about the encounter. I decided I wanted to make EXTREMELY CERTAIN that he knew what I looked like, so this would not happen again. I walked over to car wash next door, which he also owns, to ensure he got a good long look at me. I wasn’t intending to confrontative, just firm, as I really wasn’t sure this guy did really see me. He had left the laundromat speedily, as he appeared to be embarassed, rightly so. He wasn’t there, but his employees said his son would be there in about an hour and I could address what had transpired with him, and they added that he was a very reasonable person (obviously meaning to contrast him to the person I had encountered). Well, after I had gone back to the laundromat to get my clothes, here comes the owner again! He wanted to apologize more profusely and explain AGAIN about the transients (geeze, I got it the first time) and this time, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse…he pulls out his billfold and tries to give me money! I stared at him, dumbfounded! I thought, ” You just have NO clue, do you?” I refused his money, of course. (How insulting!) I shook my head and told him gently that all I wanted was for this NOT to happen again-to anyone. I obviously was dealing with someone who had…issues. I’m not sure living breathing transients were really his problem. Lol.