do not tell me the dead do not change – they do, for I have seen this myself
they morph and writhe just as the living, and just as seldom rest in peace
we hold them tethered here in loving bonds or bitter chains
we do not let them go beyond
those who lay beneath the ground, burn into smoke and ash
have their bones picked clean by birds
but leave behind no one to grieve, they moved in such silent ways
though they might have done inestimable good
these will be the truly free
but look! there upon the shelves in bottles of iridescent glass
are arrayed the beautiful poisons, there displayed to dazzle the attention
five lustrous containers, their very appearance preoccupies
I remove one to drink my fill, then heady with ignorance I reel and fall
to find myself within the calm eye of the storm hearing the destructive winds turn into laughter
with a snap of my fingers this disappears, and I return the vessel to the shelf
I am neither a dot nor an enclosing line but both and space itself
poisons, like demons, are not to be feared
befriend them, for they are more helpful than gods
remember what treasures they are
though I would like to hold time in my hands
cradled to gaze into its prismed fragile depths
I would be shattered by what I would see
the ordinary moments with the power to undo
the icy fragment of morning slicking the pavement
the juddering echoes of the bone white moon
the sharp blink of a crow’s eye destroying across January’s eons
the sudden crack of a gunshot felling one hapless deer
and somewhere else men are falling dead
these passing brief are already too hard to know
I cannot repair with my current meager tools
myself being in constant dissolution and dissolve
unbecoming and mostly not there
as a child, I often considered where to place my grief
if I buried it deep in the ground, I feared what might arise in season
a poisonous plant, a nest of spiders, a revenant with sightless eyes
if I threw it into the sea, I knew it would wash ashore somewhere
a killing algal bloom, a stinging jelly, a jagged sharp of broken glass
if I sent it upward into the sky, I thought of all that could already destroy
a hurricane, a flooding rain, toxic smoke from nearby mills
and could not add to these because I knew what it was not to be able to breathe
in the end I decided best to keep my sorrow and make it a friend
the world had woe enough
and when sorrow comes unbidden
makes herself a nest inside your day
a dolorous vixen in her natal den
ready to birth more woe
allow her a resting place
a brief tender acknowledgment
grief ignored has sharp teeth
will bite to remind you she’s there
you do not have to make her your own
she arrived so likewise can leave
you gave gracious shelter without offer of harm
bid farewell and let her depart
watchful for the next to arrive
in those first months in a glassine box
tethered to life by tubing machines
I lived, died, returned over, over, and yet again
what brought me back so many times
determined to breathe with half-formed lungs
and one day open my eyes
your hand gentle , your voice soft
your constant abiding for a stranger’s child
all these were reason enough, a precious gift
I have carried with me through the years
your example of vast expansive love
I hope I share it well
The streets that night smelled like oyster shells, like nights on the beach and your sea-drenched hair.
I had worn my best jeans, boots, and because you wanted swagger,
my leather jacket, and your favorite cologne,
the one you said reminded you of bourbon and stories with a bad ending.
You had gone femme with a red sequin dress, black heeled shoes that made you taller than me,
and a scent that whispered of secrets in bed.
We laughed at this because baby, we knew
that despite what it seemed, you were butch as stone, but the girls would go for me.
I would give them a dance, a nod and a smile, and head right back to you
and the taste of salt in your kiss.
present moment
butterfly flicker of aperture
mountain ridge glimpse of vast tableau
realization a solid thud
boot kick to the chest
inhale exhale infinite worlds
laughter shimmers like sparkling sorrow
joy as groundless as existence itself
now right now let go of all
now right now let go
ground hardened by frost underfoot
the bluff above the sea
waves in hushed ebb and flow
currents circling above the ocean floor
gathered expectations, accumulated desires, stray dreams
drop into the vast rhythmic pulse
like stones they sink, like debris
that weighed heart and mind
eventually ripples fade
breath matching water’s motion
with empty hands and lightened step depart
able to see the oat grass sway unfrozen now
winter and I walk together quietly
footsteps muffled by beneficent snow
each at home in solitude
thus able to share a common road
other seasons seem raucous gauds
with foliaged extravagance, endless cerulean skies,
impossible newly-sprouted beginnings
this brief companion makes no such demands
does not even ask my presence
in such calm equanimity I find it easier to breathe
and I am grateful