Early morning, a liminal time,
When the tenebrific skies seem poised
On some obscure threshold.
The air is quiet;
No birds yet sing to herald the day;
No wind or rain disturbs the transitory stillness.
The moment awaits any assignation of meaning.
For a brief few breaths,
The world is simply as it is.
My grey-cloaked companion has returned,
Their absence but a brief hiatus.
They have brought the usual accoutrements:
Worsening fatigue and malaise; a restless mind; heightened bodily aches;
And, of course, emotional pain.
I dared not think they would not be back
At some point in time.
But I had hoped to enjoy life a bit longer.
Change is the nature of things, though,
So I will endeavor to face this with equanimity
And continue on my path.
A slight anticipation, a catching of the breath,
Heralds the moment of great change.
The world tilts, and the possibilities
Open myriad paths.
What lies ahead on any of them?
The only way to know is to proceed.
What is enough?
The cooler air of evening
After the heat of a summer’s day.
The petrichor that heralds
The relief of a dry spell.
The bright color of tigerlillies
Enlivening the yard.
The peace found in mountains
Distant with a covering of smoke.
Any of these.
All of these.
Let us rejoice and be glad.
The train sounds its mournful cry.
They are gone now,
No longer present to hear the whistle,
To see the graffitied cars roll past,
To feel the ground rumbling beneath their feet.
I can say no more
Let us have a cup of tea
And offer the latest from China.
But I can hold them fast
In memory and by recounting the many stories
Of how they lived while they were here.
Love and all we shared does not disappear.
We grow older together, you and I.
Our gait has slowed,
And hills are harder to climb.
But we still dance in sometimes wild abandon;
You can manage occasional astounding leaps.
We spend our days quietly now,
With me at my writing or with a book,
You always at my side.
I know that when I do go out,
You worry and fret more,
So that we are both relieved when I return.
Always, always in my heart
Is the knowledge that you are aging faster.
I try to fill our time remaining
With all the love and gratitude I can give.
You have made life beautiful and wonderful and joyful
In ways I never anticipated.
Thank you, my beloved companion.
There is you and there is me.
There is division.
Look deeper.
There is illusion.
What you thought was a warning,
A hand held up high,
Is in fact a greeting of welcome.
Perspective changes everything.
Open your mind.
Expand your heart.
You still live on.
Not in some celestial hall,
Separate from those you left behind,
And watching them go about their lives.
No, you remain present
In the stories we tell of you,
Among those who knew and loved you.
And you will reach strangers even yet,
As these are shared,
And people see your name to ask,
Who was this?
While we are here to remember and tell
And all those who come after us who have heard,
You will live.
I see you now,
Your face turned away from me
And hidden in shadow.
You will be everywhere
As I move through this changed life,
The one I used to live with you.
The birds you rescued have fledged and flown the nest.
I am slowly getting the house organized.
When I go out, people ask where you’ve been.
Sometimes I still can’t bring myself to answer.
This grief is yet very raw.
I will survive, but I miss you so.
I didn’t jump, but I remember
The long walk to the edge.
Each step felt like a promise;
Each breath felt like a scream.
The relentless drum beat
Counting down my life
Had as its message:
Today; today; today.
I stood there and listened,
As I looked at the rocks far below.
Then I turned and began the journey back.
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IF you or someone you know is considering suicide:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Reach out.
