Can I hide behind my mask?
Or does it make me more conspicuous in the streets, the stores, the transit?
Certainly the graphics do stand out.
When paired with my black hoodie and Docs,
I look like a dark character from some illustrated novel.
Which is exactly the effect I aim for:
A disaffected dystopian wanderer.
Not Mad Max. Just weary and wary.
Mask
There’s a wonderful Hans Christian Anderson quote: “Where words fail, music speaks.” I think of that often these days. Music has always been a lifeline to me during times of trouble. (Right now I’ve Aoife O’Donovan playing, doing her wonderfully poignant cover of Springsteen’s album, Nebraska.) I grew up in a household that revolved around music and books and good food, so these things became my things also. When you are an introvert kid who doesn’t play well with others, these are your escape. And when you grow up into an equally awkward adult who still doesn’t quite get how to human, these became even more essential.
And now, as my usual springtime depression settles in on top of COVID-19 problems, quarantine difficulties, and my other myriad physical health issues, MUSIC is speaking quite eloquently indeed. I would have lost it (what ever “it” is) multiple times over, had it not been for: Eminem; Dan Tepfer; X.T.X.; Gangstagrass; Aoife O’Donovan; Kraftwerk; Jason Isbell; Street Academics; Disturbed; Against Me; Bad Bunny; and so many others. The site of Bandcamp needs its own mention. Check it out, if you want to get educated and support great music and musicians!
DJT has called us (but not him, bone spurs, you know) “warriors” in the fight to reopen the country, in hopes that this will ease the death toll and other hardships that are ensuing. The reckoning is upon him and his admin but falls upon the rest of the country to pay, as he denies, denies, denies responsibility for ANY of this.
Dear Mary:
The days grow longer, and time weighs heavily on me. I’ve read many books from the e-library and watched every show available on all three major streaming services. I might have to resort to Tiktok videos. I’ve baked loaves of banana bread, peanut butter bread with chocolate chips, and am STILL losing weight. Probably from the anxiety-pacing. (I’m keeping my steps up that way. Ha.) I trust the bread tastes okay but don’t know, as I haven’t regained my ability to taste or smell yet. My doc assures me it will return (but doesn’t really know this). Even Miss P, my beloved companion, is showing quarantine-related weirdness. She has become the very definition of “high maintenance” in regards to her food and will not eat from her bowl unless I’ve washed it and scooped the food straight out of the bin WITH the bowl. (I take some small comfort in that others have reported that THEIR animal companions are also displaying their own oddities during this time.) I just read this morning that we are being directed in the line of duty to go back out into the world. My uniform is ready: gloves, masks, and of course, hand sanitizer. I just hope that those I will be marching with have been suitably equipped. But of course they have! This is the U.S. of A!
Missing you always,
Kel
I saw my internist yesterday. After an exhaustive interview with TWO docs, more labs, I now have a confirmed positive diagnosis of COVID-19. I asked the doc who accompanied her, “What I REALLY wanna know here, doc….where should I inject the bleach and what sorta UV device works the best to cure this?” He looked at me like I had lost my mind and replied, “Please do not do not try anything like either of those two things, and where did you hear about them?” My doc cracked up and said that I had heard it from THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and it was a totally sarcastic comment from me. He looked utterly appalled. I laughed and told him that they were lucky I wasn’t asking them for hydroxychloroquine, as I had already had a z-pack! He looked confused (again). (Dude must be too busy to keep up with our Dr. Cheeto, more power to him.) Then my doc held up her foot and said, “Hey, we’re shoe mates!” Yep, we were wearing the same shoes! By this time, other doc was about ready to lose patience with the both of us…..I love my internist!
So how am I FEELING? Idk. Physically this is difficult, of course. There’s all the stuff that lead to this. The fever that just keeps recurring; the headaches that do the same. The night sweats that drench the bed.The shortness of breath that make it harder to do simple things like take walks and deep breaths. The loss of my ability to smell and taste is disconcerting and leading to some weight loss. The pervasive malaise and fatigue are debilitating and profound.
And then there psychological things. I don’t know whether they are side effects of COVID-19 or by-products of quarantine or just my usual depression. NO-ONE does. (My doc answered more questions than not with the answer “You will be telling me,” which is not what I wanted to hear.) But, yeah, I have some anxiety regarding this. Over that no-one knows what the long-term ramifications of it are. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to kill me, short-term. I’ve dodged THAT particular bullet, though for a bit it seemed sorta iffy. But I’ve thought about it and and am trying to put that anxiety away with all my OTHER health-related anxiety. (When you are a micro-preemie, health anxiety is like your native land, right? You OWN it. You are so used to hospitals, docs, and invasive healthcare that by now pandemics are sorta…almost prepared for.) The diagnosis DID take some burden off, in a way. I was beginning to think I was crazy. I kept calling my doc up with all these things….weird things. So at least THAT’s resolved. Now I’m back to regularly scheduled depression and anxiety…..sorta kinda.
What I REALLY don’t like and what almost ENRAGES me is this POLITICAL shit. Like, I haven’t told my landlord about my diagnosis. B/c of his political beliefs. He would belittle it, possibly shame me, and make me feel even worse. And people who don’t wear masks in public like at grocery stores and other places? Look, you wanna flaunt your politics, fine. But find a way to do so that doesn’t endanger the health of everyone else. Viruses don’t give a flying F about your party line, k? They’ll cross that with impunity. And if you do choose your precious individual liberties to endanger yourself (and others) and fall ill b/c of it? You might want to consider whether you also want to choose to burden the health care system with CARING FOR YOU…..
Rant over.
After getting the test results (negative) yet continuing to struggle with WHAT respiratory infection, I am feeling understandable heightened anxiety. I was tested on March 20th. Last week I was (finally!) contacted by the outfit that tested me THREE TIMES on the same day to ensure I had gotten my test results. By the third call, I was a little annoyed. My physician would like to see me retested and have some other labs done but also doesn’t want me to have to go back to the E.R. unless I get so ill I need to be seen. It’s a dilemma. So she calls me frequently, as does my psych doc. (I’ve actually seen him by telemedicine. Pretty cool.) BUT.
I must admit that this all is having an effect. My coping mechanisms are fairly decent. I’m a lifelong introvert who has also had the benefit of a lot of therapy. So I’m perhaps better equipped than many. I am solitary by nature. I normally spend the bulk of my time alone. So I’m not doing much that is out of the ordinary. I’m reading (6 books ahead on my 200 book challenge!); streaming some stuff; listening to music (Gary Numan featured on my playlist this morning); studying (aprendo Espanol; catching up on some Greek philosophy; listening to dharma talks); meditating; taking walks with my whippet; writing (I’m a poet and occasional LTE writer.); engaging in such social activism as I can.
My dreams, though, have become Mad Max territory in the extreme. Post- apocalyptic scenarios indeed. My poems reflect this, though I try to balance this by writing also about the moments of peace I’ve experienced. Rarely does a dream (or poem) find a middle middle ground these days. Rarely do I. During the day, I’m moving through my life….listening to Gary Numan singing, “We Are So Fragile.” I’ll occasionally stop and feel almost the urge to cry. Instead, I turn off the music and strike my singing bowl and breathe. Then I go back to life….cleaning, reading, whatever I was doing.
. When I had first read of Ballad furloughing 1300 workers in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I thought, “Here we go, another horrid Ballad tale….” But the story is more complex. Yes, Ballad IS letting 1300 workers go right now but will continue to pay their health care costs. They will assist those (in TN, it was unclear whether this also applied to those furloughed in VA) who applied for unemployment with the process. AND-this is the part that caught my attention-the CEO of Ballad is taking a 100% pay cut for 60 days; the Senior Vice President and above will take a 20% reduction for the same time period, and the Assistant Vice Presidents will be taking a 10% pay cut during this time. HOWEVER, Ballad is also apparently asking its physicians and advanced practice providers to take a 20% pay cut for this duration. These are direct service providers during the midst of a healthcare crisis. Granted, they might not be called upon as much as E.R. physicians at this moment. But given the difficulty of keeping doctors AT ALL here in SWVA, do you think this a wise move? I would suggest not. Appalachia needs its healthcare professionals to have reasons to stay, and I suspect that Ballad’s financial struggles are just going to deepen. What cuts are made now are likely just the beginning. Ballad will be in this whatever comes next along with the rest of us.
This is how COVID-19 has impacted my life. I live in Abingdon, a small town in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains in rural Virginia. I’ve been quarantined and sick since March 11. I’ve had a harrowing trip to the ER in an ambulance, been shut in a glass cubicle at the hospital and faced with a tech who looked like he was dressed in a haz-mat suit as he swabbed me for my COVID-19 test. My wonderful ER doc had to fight to get me tested and it took a FULL WEEK-7 days- to get the results (negative, what a relief) . My current diagnosis: acute respiratory viral infection, unspecified. All the OTHER tests came back negative, too. But I remained very ill for several weeks, though I’m slowly getting better. In the meantime, because I’m medically fragile, I cannot go out. Friends have been kind enough to bring me groceries as needed, and I had stocked my pantry just before I became ill. The independent pharmacies have performed wonderfully, as have my doctors. I can’t say the same about the massive healthcare CORPORATION that oversees everything here. I inadvertently got involved in some of their medical drama and think they behaved very badly indeed, aside from taking an appallingly long time to process COVID-19 test results. And I have heard a few individuals give the extreme right “save the economy” talk that has revealed more than I cared to know their true character. But for the most part my community is functioning and surviving. People who can are delivering food to friends. William King Museum is doing virtual art talks and events, as is the Arts Depot. The library has ALWAYS offered online options and and continues to do so-awesomely! Barter Theater is live-streaming a play. Local restaurants are still offering takeout. We are hanging on….for now.
I’ve read a few articles about the rise of meth as the drug of choice now. While meth might be gaining popularity here in SWVA, don’t say that the opioid epidemic has passed. Here’s what I see on the ground:
Classes on how to administer Nalaxone, and a corresponding backlash against those classes. People seeking drugs while riding public transit and riding while high (on all sorts of drugs). A friend dead of an overdose. Another currently in the process of crash and burn.
And I wonder: Where is help? Where are the M.A. T. programs? ANY rehab? This is southwest Virginia, opioid central, part of ground-zero for the opioid epidemic and big pharma’s experiment with getting doctors to push pain pills, pharmacies to sell them, patients to get hooked on them. AND IT CONTINUES. We are still awash in pills, legal pills. People trade them, deal them, swallow them, crush them, snort them, inject them, and finally die for and from them.
When will it stop it? When most of us are dead? (Perhaps this is the plan…..)
I know, I’m really late this week! What can I say? I have the plague-AGAIN! This is what activism will get you, for I caught this week’s version at a training session at E & H, only place I’ve been, right? Besides to Griffith’s office…..Republican cooties, whaddaya think? And none of my gun-owning neighbors will agree to shoot me and put me out of my snotting misery! So what’s the use of living in a 2nd Amendment Sanctuary, I ask you? Lol….
As usual, I’m excited about the music list! I hope you will be, too! Starting off to remind us that WE ARE ALL ONE in these days of hyper-division is the super-cool Japanese group World Order. Started by former martial artist Genki Sudo, the 7 member group looks like robotic salarymen as they perform their highly stylized videos. Staying in the region, this is followed by Quqin performing on traditional instruments in traditional dress but Western rock style. (Hope this encourages you to check out their trad Chinese sound!) Then hopping to the West to France and letting you light your Gauloise and sip your cognac while you listen to Francoise Hardy sing her wonderful cover of Cohen’s SUZANNE. Moving to Africa (hey, it’s always a world tour here) for the group Les Amazones D’Afrique, who recently dropped a new album, Amazones Power. Yes, they are indeed QUEENS! Back to Japan for one of the hottest female punk bands Stereopony (yes!) and HITOHIRA NO HANABIRA! Next, I have NO REGRETS including this selection from Eminem’s latest album, Music to be Murdered By. For my Xian friends, I’ve included a scathing piece by singer-songwriter Daniel Dietrich that, well, calls you out: Hymn For 81%. Since we have two warring factions right now fighting about the proposed Bristol Casino, I found this song CASINO QUEEN by the awesome Jackie Lynn. Let’s take a break, breathe, and appreciate the beauty of Lina_Raul Refree’s genre-bending flamenco (really, you should listen to entire album, eponymously titled)-GAVIOTA. And to send you off dancing (unless you just hate it and tell me so, next time you see me or in an email), I found a DJ’S club mix of Tracy Chapman’s song: GIVE ME ONE REASON. Whew!
Articles: I’ve got a few! So happy reading!
Everyone’s worried about the coronovirus.Will it be the NBO? But hey, don’t forget about the often deadly virus that’s been making people very sick for months and doesn’t show signs of letting up: INFLUENZA!
https://time.com/5758953/flu-season-2019-2020/
I know I said I wouldn’t post from sites with a paywall. But this article from the WaPo is so USEFUL that I’m breaking that rule. It concerns FACEBOOK and how the company tracks you even when you AREN’T ON FB. The article tells you how to disable this setting, clear your history, plus some other useful stuff. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. (Has me considering even more strongly quitting FB altogether…..)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2020/01/28/off-facebook-activity-page/
You might have been hearing about the effort to combat the climate emergency by reforestation and the planting of trees by different countries and organizations. You might be thinking, WHAT A COOL IDEA! HOW CAN I HELP? Well, here’s a way, if you don’t own land where you can plant your very own tree (or more)!
Okay, on to books!
You might (or maybe not, Idk) have heard about the furor surrounding American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins. Book first got praised then panned; book tour got cancelled, as the author was accused basically of telling a story that wasn’t hers to tell. (Cultural misappropriation, yeah? She calls it “being a bridge”.) She told the tale of a Mexican woman and her son running from a narco drug lord. So, a thriller. It’s NOT on here. You wanna read a book that tells a genuine story by an actual Puerto Rican woman, read THIS memoir: Ordinary Girls by Jaquira Diaz (Warning: deals with mental illness; sexuality; other potential triggers)
If you like your mysteries creepy but unnervingly realistic, intense, and relatively short, then read this novel by the always masterful Joyce Carol Oates: Pursuit. A reflective book on the vulnerabilities of childhood and just how to navigate trust.
Finally, if you are a Neil DeGrasse Tyson fan, then he’s come out with Letters From An Astrophysicist. Eminently readable, he addresses everything from comets to terminal illness. Nice to see he’s not become embittered…..
Now for the musing portion. I’ve found a site to recommend. It’s a site devoted to nothing but positive, inspiring, hopeful news and stories. And who among us in this day and time can’t use a peek at that? It’s divided into sections, so you can choose your anodyne to the dreck you get in the morning/evening newsfeed.
And the OTHER thing I found this week that gave me hope was a game on Steam (yes, I’m on Steam, are you surprised?). It’s called Kind Words. it’s pretty much just what it sounds like, only you are writing these to someone you don’t know. Now, not one of the free games. But to help someone who is having a bad day, even if it’s just once or twice a week, I don’t think 4.99 is too high a price….(you buy the game for that once, so it’s a one-time fee.)
In the always apropos word from Hill Street Blues, lets be careful out there! See ya next week!
It’s that time again. I was talking to a friend not too long ago and remarked how as I’ve gotten older, time passes quickly, while simultaneously the amount of time it takes to get tasks done has increased. (Warning to you younger folk on the list, lol.) And when I was wondering why my father never warned me about this, I had cause to reflect that I’m now almost 3 years OLDER than he was when he died….time, time, time. As I used to say to the chagrin of my language profs: tempus fugit, nicht wahr?
As always, music first! I would encourage you to WATCH the videos if possible, esp. the one of Gary Clark, Jr. It’s visually such a treat to see him, almost enough for me go watch the movie. I start off with a polyphonic offering from the band San Salvador- La Fin De La Guerra. Doesn’t matter that you don’t know the language (though there’s always Google Translate!)-they sound so wonderful…….; Then transition to the Senegalese musician Cheikh Lo singing Kora music , the song Degg Gui from his album Balbalou in Portugese-Wolof. Back to America for Fantastic Negrito, as he sings about what we are all feeling these days in Push Back. And then Gary Clark, Jr just gets BEYOND AWESOME on his version of COME TOGETHER! ( Seriously-watch this one video, if you watch no other!) I don’t drink, that one glass of hard cider at Abingdon Vinyards notwithstanding. But I found this video called Drink by La Chica and thought it fun for y’all who do. When I heard that the group And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead (of COURSE I’d listen to this group, right?) had a new album out, I knew I had to include a song-so here’s one for All Who Wander! Maybe to South Korea to hear Ak Dan Gwang Chil do music like THIS-Youngjeonggeorri. They are a multi-award traditional music group. BACK to America for some American Indie with Green Day’s new Father Of All. (And let me say, that they are one band that hasn’t lost their edge with age!) Then a female punk band to keep the theme going-The Bombshells with Notre Dame. And finally I’m sending you off with some 70s ska I chose with my tongue firmly lodged in cheek for ALL sorts of reasons. Plus ca change…..lol! You can look up the references if you wanna know why. Otherwise, just enjoy the song! Here’s The Specials singing A Message To You Rudy.
Articles! It’s become a standing joke among some of my friends to throw random “namastes” at me. (Long story.) So I found an article that explains the origin of the word and why Hindi users cringe along with me when it is casually misused EVERYWHERE in America.
https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2020/01/17/406246770/how-namaste-flew-away-from-us?utm_source=pocket-newtab
Second. I know a lot of you like to cook. But even if you don’t cook, this is still fascinating. A group of archaeologists and scholars have been busy reconstructing from cuneiform the world’s oldest recipes! How cool is THAT? There’s a lamb stew, a lentil broth, a vegetable soup akin to the one you might serve to someone recuperating from a cold or flu, and a chicken pot pie!
http://www.bbc.com/travel/story/20191103-the-worlds-oldest-known-recipes-decoded
Third. We all cuss sometimes. (As part of my resolve to be kinder this year, I’ve limited that.) But in case you DO need to use profanity, here’s a list of useful LATIN curses!Some of them are actually pretty funny. My personal fav is: Te odeo, interface cochleare! (Yes, you will have to look it up!)
14 Useful Latin Profanities You Can Use To Curse At People (And Impress Them)
Books, books, books! (I’m 7 books ahead on my reading challenge, in case anyone wants to know.) Starting off with a wonderful book of POETRY (coz poets read other poets!):
Oblivion Banjo: The Poetry of Charles Wright. With a name like THAT? He’s won multiple prizes: Bollingen, Pulitzer, and been Poet Laureate of the U.S…not that that would mean I would like his work. He currently lives in Charlottesville. But I do like his poems very much. He writes with a sense of place and time that resonates.
The Highly Selective Thesaurus And Dictionary For The Extraordinarily Literate by Eugene Ehrlich. This was a gift many years ago from a dear friend. It is now worn from being well-used but has a permanent place by my chair-side, as I find it an invaluable resource.
Stay With Me by Ayoba mi Adebeyo. Written by a Nigerian author and set in Nigeria, this book offers a picture of family life that will be unfamiliar to most living in the U.S. But it deals with themes that are familiar: How to save a foundering relationship? How to negotiate the ties of family? How to deal with the pressures of society?
Halibut On The Moon by David Vann. I miss Todd at the library for so many reasons. He introduced me to Vann several years back and both of us would eagerly await his (Vann’s) new book. I offer you this one. But I will warn that Vann is a savage writer who deals with difficult issues in visceral ways. (Why I love his books, right?) This book, for instance, re-creates the last days of the author’s (in the book, not Vann’s) father as he struggles with mental illness. Powerful, gripping, and potentially triggering.
This is my musing section. I rent my dwelling. Over the years I’ve found a number of items to be extremely useful. So I thought I would share these, for those of you who are also renters. And for those of you who own your places, well, skip this if you like or read on. Who knows, maybe you might need these things, too…Lint roller. Useful for much more than cleaning Miss P’s fur off of my black cashmere coat. It can de-wool an ottoman, do a quick pick-up of the couch if you lack time to vacuum, and remove odd things here and there. Basic tools: hammer; screwdriver; pliers; wrench; allen wrench; You don’t need buy a toolkit, unless you just want to be pretty in pink (or whatev.) They generally contain items you will never ever use. I’ve listed the items I have used over the years. Flashlight. We all know the power WILL go out at some point. So grow up and buy a good one already. And batteries, fer goodness sake. Tape, duct and otherwise. Funnels. I have a set of three I recently purchased at the thrift store. Incredibly useful. Comes under the category of “how did I not realize I needed these?” Your mother might not be around to tell you, so I am. Micro-duster. It will dust EVERYTHING, including your pet! (Miss P is looking nervously at me as I type this…..) Finally, a step-stool, folding or otherwise. Speaking of Miss P, the folding metal step-stool I own is part of her trifecta of terror. Every time I fetch it out, she hides under the bed. No idea why. Poor whippet. Her life is fraught….