Hallway to Nowhere

  • The Review-3rd Edition

    Greetings, all! I’ve decided to make The Review available on my blog (andifnotnowblog.wordpress.com).  I write the drafts there anyway, so why not publish them? Duh! Sorry this was belated-Virginia Organizing has been eating up time this week. I’ll do better next week.

    You might be wondering at the marked absence of overtly political items from the items I proffer. So I thought now might be a good time to give a brief raison d’etre for The Review, at least as I’m doing it now.  If you’re a good enough acquaintance to get this, then I know your political bent, more or less.  We’re inundated and saturated with politics, I figure. From tweets from the Cheeto-In-Chief to Anthony’s TGIF Rural Progressive Roundup, there is plenty to keep up with. I don’t need to add my two cents to that. The Review is meant to be about more than ephemera, as important as those might be. And I want you to find herein articles and books that might make your life better, more interesting, or at least make you think a bit. (Or in the case of the music, listen and sometimes dance.) What I used to do when I taught, right? But again, don’t worry, I grade easy!

    That being said, let’s go! Music first, as always! I began with Souad Massi, a wonderful Berber singer-songwriter. Then the new song by Alicia Keys that celebrates those who are doing the hard work. The song by Concrete Blonde, Days and Days, WAS chosen for political reasons, after I heard Trump & Co going on with their endless (and ever-changing) explanations about Solemani’s assassination. (If I had to choose ONE group to provide a soundtrack to this admin, I think it would be Concrete Blonde!) Nathaniel Rateliff provides a little hope with his And It’s Alright. But then Beth Hart takes some of away with her haunting Woman Down. To relieve you a bit after that, I give you The Black-eyed Peas and J Balvin RITMO to dance a bit. The next two songs take us out of the country. The HU do their Wolf Totem, And for some Chinese grunge that rivals anything Nirvana ever did, here is Xie Tian Xiao doing Cold-blooded Animal. Bringing it back to home with Mavis Staples singing We Shall Not Moved. And to end on a positive note, I hope that you enjoy this as much as I do, the wonderful experience of musicians joining in to collaborate simultaneously to play STAND BY ME. (I really encourage you to watch that one!!!)

    On to articles! I’ve got some good ones. YOU prompted some of them! 😉 I’ve watched friends and loved ones say I’ve got to get my steps in. And I wondered just what was the rationale behind this. I found an article that explains it. (A Japanese company wanted to sell their pedometers…..)

    https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190723-10000-steps-a-day-the-right-amount

    Aside from whippets and capybaras, naked mole rats are one of my favorite animals! I check out the Smithsonian’s Mole Rat Cam regularly (it’s live!) There’s also one by the Pacific Zoo, if you need more Mole Rat! So there you go, if you become enamored yourself, after reading this article!

    https://www.npr.org/2019/08/14/751235929/in-defense-of-naked-mole-rats-and-what-we-can-learn-from-them

    And b/c MLK Celebrations are upon us here in Abingdon, I found this AWESOME paper by a university student that gives a history of APPALACHIAN CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVISM.

    https://libres.uncg.edu/ir/asu/f/Parker,%20Patrick_2016_Thesis.pdf

    Moving to BOOKS:

    Hill Women by Cassie Chambers. Subtitled: Finding Family And A Way Forward In The Appalachian Mountains. This was eminently readable, well-written, and very warm. Another antidote to J. D. Vance. Can we PLEASE have a forum of writers-in person-to counteract that hated tome? Just a suggestion, now that it’s being made into a movie?

    Silence by Thich Nhat Hahn. Subtitled: The Power Of Quiet In A World Full Of Noise. I’m always struck by the power of Master Thay’s writing. He writes so simply and sparingly. Therein lies the beauty. If you know anyone who has ever said: I can’t do meditation but they WANT to try? This is the book to give to them (or use yourself.) An excellent book for anyone who wishes to learn to disengage for a bit.

    I wanted to throw some Haruki Murakami at you but struggled with WHICH one of his novels. To save myself from agony, I chose his latest, Killing Commentadore. It is a tour de force, complex as are all of his works, and well worth your time. It’s winter-curl up in the evening and devote some time!

    And for my final book, the Taiga Syndrome by Cristina Rivera Garza. This one is uniquely suited to this cold winter months, as it is set in a very frigid environment and is a enigmatic mystery indeed. I read this one on my Kindle.

    McAfee has calmed down about the Wolf Whistle. But the events I have to mention come knowledge outside of that source. MLK Events Sat Jan 18 (held in Abingdon, center of the universe): Discussion On Diversity-Jerry Hill, Charles Wesley UMC 12:30; MLK March from Charles Wesley UMC 1:30: MLK Celebration, Abingdon UMC 2:30. January 19th Barter College Playwrights Festival.

    Lastly, I’d like to recommend three things. We’re none of us getting any younger. I keep reading article after article about the benefits of: REGULAR EXERCISE. (Not necessarily steps, lol.) Diet I can’t speak to, though that IS important, certainly. MEDITATION has also shown to be of benefit, and there are different kinds. Lastly, I would suggest learning a SECOND LANGUAGE (or more for some of us). You can use apps such as DuoLingo on your phone OR go to your wonderful public library and use their Rocket Languages database. (It replaced Mango b/c the one patron who used Mango to learn languages apparently was yours truly).

    Hope you enjoy this. Let  me know if you have any thoughts or comments. I welcome feed back! Stay warm, coz winter is heading back our way!

  • Friends Vs Public Transit

    I cannot drive due to a seizure disorder. I rely on public transit to get from point A to point B. Well-intentioned friends will occasionally provide me with rides, and I am grateful, esp. if they are to places that I can’t access via transit. However, friends have ALSO taught me the following lesson through their behavior:

    Unless it is an out of town medical trip, you can’t really rely on us. We’ll say in a conversation that we’re going to the grocery and pick you up (or maybe get some items you need), but THIS MIGHT NOT HAPPEN. And I get it. Things come up. Life happens. But unlike you, I can’t hop in a car to go get whatever. I have to call transit in advance and take a bus route that is lengthy, or walk to wherever. So I’m now asking my friends this new year to please NOT volunteer this sort of thing. I’m tired of dealing with “thoughts and prayers” offers….if you get what I mean. Offers that are insubstantial and  might not materialize. Life is uncertain enough without this sort of guess work.

    Transit has its own problems, fer shure. I’ve been forgotten by THEM, too. But transit I can hold accountable…and do, btw. I will write transit up and submit a written formal letter of complaint if they miss me more than 3 times in one month. Hey, their policy holds passengers accountable….I feel that WE should do the same to them! Let the powers-that-be know that someone is paying attention! Document, document, document! But by and large, transit is reliable, and I know that I can get where I need to go. It might take longer and be convoluted. But no-one ever said life would be easy, fair, or quick.

  • Letter To Washington Co. (VA) BOS Re: Second Amendment Sanctuary Resolution

    A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

    To ALL Board Members:

    While you might think  that this amendment is so fragile that it needs extra protection here in Washington County and elsewhere in so-called Second Amendment Sanctuaries, rest assured that it is robust and stands strong. Legislation that provides for sensible restrictions, such as universal back-ground checks, red-flag laws, and other such will not tamper with the body of the 2nd.  It will not affect those who use guns for the purposes so often cited here in SWVA: hunting and recreation; farmers who use them for various purposes; or those who own guns for personal protection.  These laws are designed to catch those who purchase guns for OTHER reasons, and I urge you to consider those before you pass this resolution. Those reasons  do not bode well for the persons on the opposite end of the fire-arm. Consider the Virginia Beach shooting and the spate of innumerable Walmart-related shootings and school-shootings before you vote. These individuals purchased their guns somehow and could have possibly been stopped or caught beforehand  with some of these types of laws.  Think about this.

    Your primary concern is the  well-being of your constituents. I know this. You are good people. Vote for the right thing, not the expedient thing.

     

     

  • The Second Amendment Sanctuary Scare

    Well, now that there is a new Democratic day in Virginia, folks all over the place are panicking and passing “Second Amendment Sanctuary” resolutions. Really. Do your GUNS NEED THAT MUCH PROTECTION? Why not just wrap your whole county in (red) bubble wrap, turn on Fox as loud as you can, and call it a day.  Campbell County, Lee County, y’all already fallen. There’s a petition out for Frederick County to go the same way, and maybe one for Appomattox County. And I’m SURE that the BOS will vote Washington County to declare itself, too.

    This is Republican gesturing, nothing more. They are signaling to their conservative base that they will play to them and their fears and cater to any conspiracy-driven notions that might arise. (Hey, guess what? Obama NEVER came fer yer guns, now did he?)  But I misspoke. I inserted the word “conservative”.  By now it should be clear to ALL that the partisan divide is this: Republicans (and by this, I mean you have to be a red-capped Trump-lovin’ gawd-fearin’ CONSERVATIVE…or else!) and Democrats (and by this, I mean you need to start getting with the progressive program, folks!).  The time for thinking or lying to pollsters, “Well, I’m an independent, you know,” is OVER.  No-one is that. I’ve done canvassing for candidates and grassroots organizing. I know better. That is a fiction people tell  themselves so they don’t have to take a side. But most? Are truly Republicans afraid to admit it. But rabidly so. They want their guns, their god, their babies, and their (confederate) flag….in that order.

    Sorry, got off-topic a bit. My point is that this rush to protect the SECOND AMENDMENT is symbolic, unnecessary, and flashy.  The counties and possibly later cities that do so aren’t REALLY concerned so much that guns will taken (except perhaps for the truly paranoid) but wish to tell those watching that they are staunchly WITH THE PROGRAM, STANDING WITH THE PREZ, KAG, etc. etc. It’s a form of wrapping themselves in a NRA/MAGA/GOP flag. (Pardon me while I go throw up at this image. Ugh.) It’s SO red that if it had a sickle and hammer, China could use it. Or make it into a MAGA hat. 😉

  • Red SWVA, The Blue Wave, and The Death of Appalachia

    So the elections have come and gone. I’m feeling…conflicted. On one hand, since I DO live in Virginia, and we flipped the Assembly, I’m happy. As an member of the LGBTQ community and a resident in general, that can only be good for the values I hold near and dear. However, I live in SWVA-Washington County. Not quite the coalfields, but Appalachia, still. While I love where I live in many respects, this election brought me up short. When I went to vote, I was confronted by a veritable wall (and I use that word deliberately) of WOMEN wearing MAGA hats who urged me to go cast my vote for the President.  I mildly, esp. for me, told them I wasn’t aware that he was on the ballot in my precinct and proceeded to vote. Not that it did any good. Republicans swept the ballot, with the exception of Josh Cumbow, who somehow retained his position.  Here’s my take:

    We frequently lament that the powers that be think that Virginia stops at Roanoke. Well, with this vote that we just did? It might as well. Unless the folks we are sending to the GA are prepared to work in a mighty bipartisan way-and, yeah, REPUBLICANS are SO known for that ability, we don’t exist. We have NOTHING to offer the rest of Virginia, except a cautionary tale: we are what the state ONCE was like in terms of cultural mores and hopes to put to rest. God, guns, and babies might play well in the pulpit, and it sure turned voters out here to vote for “Trump Republicans”. But has it GAINED us anything, in terms of political, economic, or other benefit? I would argue not. We still can’t attract businesses, b/c who wants to bring employees here to a place that literally has so little to offer, except for gorgeous terrain? Young folks leave as soon as they can,  b/c it is regressive and going backwards rather attempting to find ways to change.  We seem to be militant in our embrace of stagnation and, dare I say, stupidity.

    I speak as one who is a transplant. I love this region and have called it home for many years.  I do not want to see it die. But dying it is, far as I can tell. And the folks who live here it are in large part hastening Appalachia’s demise. And that’s a shame.

     

  • It’s Time To Stop Saying “Senseless Shooting”

    After reading about 2 mass shootings in 2 different cities within 13 hours with a total of 29 people dead, I want to suggest that it is now way past time to stop calling these “senseless shootings”. From the virulent anti-immigrant manifesto penned by El Paso shooter, it is quite obvious that this was done for a very specific reason. It was calculated to target, kill, and further inspire terror in the greater Hispanic community at large and (he hoped) encourage them to flee the country.  Not random and not senseless. The motives for the Dayton, Ohio shooter were not as clearly or as neatly laid out, but it is known that he made out a hit list earlier.  So he definitely had this on on his mind. It also was not a random, senseless act, even if those killed were. The act itself was planned.

    A mass shooting takes forethought. It requires that you gain access to the weapons, conceal the weapons, and bring the weapons to the venue where the killing will take place. This in itself is prima facie evidence that that mass shootings cannot be termed “senseless”. YOU might not get why someone does such an act, but there is always a reason. And lately? It is tied up somehow with politics. I’m getting really fed up with the “thoughts and prayers” response. I mean sure, DO THAT, but also pass EFFECTIVE GUN CONTROL LAWS WITH TEETH, TOO!

  • Farmers Market Drama/Fragile Men

    This is another blog post which will not get posted to my social media. It is being written mainly for my own benefit, and I don’t expect anyone else to read it really. I’m still SMH in shock over two events that occurred and wondering how I ended up getting involved in FM drama. So here’s what went down:

    The first incident involved me and a friend sitting and having a convo. I had inquired how her grandson was doing, b/c he used to be a friend of mine and I knew that he had been having a rough time.  She said that he had had a stressful day or two then we moved on to other things. He was not the main topic, just a passing thread. We were laughing about something else when he storms up and begins yelling at her (and by extension me) that the next time she wants to talk about him, to do it to his face. I freeze. I’m unused to folks yelling and don’t know what to do. He storms back off, uninterested in a rational talk on the subject or in knowing WHAT we were in fact discussing. I’m torn between “WTF, dude!” and “Holy shit , J—“, does he need meds or something?” She says to just let it go. Since he addressed HER, I let it go. BUT I feel shaken nonetheless.  It left me feeling less welcome at the FM. (The grandson, btw, is not a youngster. He is in his 40s. He has been the subject of several of my blog entries. He’s the former chef who ghosted me.)

    The other incident also involved a fragile man. What IS it with guys and their egos? I almost titled this blog, “I’m Sorry Your D&ck Is So Small” out of sheer frustration.  Like, is that the root cause ? Idk.  I’m just speculating here, lol. So, on with my story. I get home to find an email awaiting from ANOTHER vendor. HE wants to knows why I’m “shunning him” and says its obvious that I’m very upset. Again, WTF?

    Okay, I haven’t been shunning you,  guy. OR your wife. And if you saw me “obviously upset” (?), maybe you saw me AFTER I had just been YELLED at by first fragile dude.  And now I come home to find an email from another man needing to have his needs met. Wonderful. What do you want from me?  I sent him back an email that was more tactful I felt like being. I said I hadn’t intended any rudeness towards him or his wife. I am having health issues that could account for my preoccupation. And, look, we don’t know each other socially except incidentally. I wasn’t mean or harsh. But basically I said in a nice way that life is not the XX (his initials) show, mine anyway.

     

    Then I made another playlist. I made AWESOME playlists on my YouTube channel, btw. This one I called “Grow The F&ck Up”. After spending time on it, I felt MUCH better.

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  • Feeling SO Outre As An Atheist In A Small Rural Town

    I belong to a discussion group on racial awareness. It is sponsored by the Episcopal Church and grew out of the Traces Of the Trade film/Sacred Ground.  The group that attends is composed of some church folk and some progressives, like me. The rector is aware that that some participants might not be Christian and might not even be believers at all, though I think I am the only atheist who attends this. He does a fairly good job, for a priest, at keeping HIS god-bothering to a minimum. Sadly, though, I can’t say the same for his church-going parishioners.  god is front and center in many conversations, and I find myself veering from uncomfortable to annoyed to WTF.

    Here’s an example. One of the parishioners this past time relayed two stories. The first had to do with how his “godly employees” had inspired him to stop his habit of cursing. I had to hold myself back from openly, one, laughing and two, commenting, “well, fuck, that definitely inspired ME!” His second story is much more disturbing. He confessed how delighted he was when, after a consultation with a surgeon in this area, upon being informed he would need surgery, the surgeon asked if he (the surgeon) could pray for him! Since I have fought more than one battle to keep this sort of thing from happening, I was quietly appalled. (My reply would have been a quick NO! You can do your job as my physician and keep your religious views to yourself, thank you! And perhaps file a report with Ballad. I take this sort of thing VERY seriously.) And and folks were sitting there getting all warm and fuzzy at his stories. So great to hear how he’s loving the community! Right?

    Ugh. I’m more and more uncomfortable. The whole discussion begins and ends with a prayer. Okay, fine. We ARE in church and this whole thing IS a church deal. So I can roll with that. And the rector doesn’t go heavy on the Jesus stuff. He tries to keep it sorta kinda to spirit-creator-god, for those who might not be into the whole Jesus schtick. But the others are just NOT be as respectful as he is. God-botherers seem to think that EVERYONE is as delighted as they to hear the good news, and isn’t it wonderful? Sigh. I have tried. Really. I have toned DOWN my militancy; NOT made any references to Hitchens or Dawkins or any other objectionable source out of deference to these peoples’ sensibilities. But while I get respect paid to my gender and sexuality (everyone is even careful with my pronouns), it is bleeping obvious that when it comes to me being an ATHEIST? Well, that means nothing, gets ignored, is run roughshod over, etc. etc. But I don’t know I’m willing to keep going back. I’m all for putting myself outside of my comfort zone. I TRY to do so on a regular basis. But  putting myself through regular sessions of targeted disrespect seems above and beyond. I’m not just sure this workshop is worth that.

     

  • How I Cope-A Depression Story

    How I Cope-A Depression Story

    So I’ve been writing posts for while about my struggles with depression. How do I cope? Well, here are the things that enable me to hold on. Now, I am NOT SAYING that these would help anyone else, though I think they are probably not hurtful things in general. But they are my things.

    First and foremost, the presence of Miss P in my life has made a HUGE difference. She is my whippet, in case you’re late to my blog. She is not an trained service dog or an emotional support animal, yet she serves both these capacities. She has shown an ability to alert me to seizures before they happen and stays with me afterwards. She is, of course, enormously comforting during bouts of depression and anxiety.  Despite this, I am still NOT going to slap a vest on her and claim her to be a service dog. This would be doing a disservice to her (she dislikes crowds and people she doesn’t know) and trained service animals.  I am very firm on this, and I will most likely be NEEDING one in the future.

    Another coping mechanism, and one I employ often, is listening to music. I’m listening to Eminem as I write this blog. I mention this even before exercise or meditation, because I can turn to this even when I am too ill to move. I am noted among my friends and acqaintances for the wide range of my musical tastes. On any given day, I can range from Baroque to Reggae to Americana to Hip-hop. My older friends (and those of my own generation) despair of me b/c I’m most often these days listening to hip-hop and rap. OF course, sometimes with me, it’s CHINESE or INDIAN hip-hip artists, b/c I just can’t stick to good old ordinary American anything…..Lol. But later this week I’m being interviewed on a radio show to talk for 30 minutes about music. That someone thinks my opinions are that worthwhile is sorta amazing. I had to send Richard two different playlists-one for HIM, and another “gentler, kinder playlist” for the airwaves. Apparently some of what I listen to is NSFW and too RADICAL for college students to hear! Like, seriously?

    Me being me, I gotta mention READING. My reading challenge this year is 225 books. I’ve read 106 books so far this year. I’m 3 books ahead of schedule. I’ve got three books going right now: No-one Cares About Crazy People (Ron Powers); Cemetery Road (Greg Illes); Waking Up White (Debby Irving). As you can see, I’m not reading light. I read across genres except romance. (I did read some Amish and Christian romances for work, so I could recommend them to patrons. The things I do for love. Love of reading, just to be clear.)  A friend jokes that I need to have a shirt made that says: GENRE NONBINARY. Lol.

    I cook. For fun and profit. I’m a seriously good baker, esp. if you need a gluten-free something. I found out at an absurdly late date that I have Celiac AND issues with lactose. The Celiac is non-negotiable, so I had to change my diet radically. The lactose-issue appeared to be more a problem with over-processed milk. As long as I stick to local milk, sheep and goat cheese, and avoid things like huge quantities of ice cream, I’m okay. And since I do like to cook and am good at it (grew up a child of foodies on the Gulf Coast), I’ve found that I have folks who want my GF baked goods. B/c they are SO much better that what’s out there. My vegetarian and vegan dishes are also good. The day ever comes, I have to enter a “home”? Time for plan B. Cause I ain’t eating the shit those places consider food!

    Exercise and meditation get a mention. I walk on the Creeper in the morning (usually, every so often I’ll vary) with Miss P. In the winter when the weather doesn’t permit this, I walk at the Coomes Center. She isn’t allowed there, so I have to try to ensure she just gets the best she can with frequent shorter walks and games of chase indoors.  The meditation I do is a form of mindfulness called yoga nidra. I do a session every morning. Sometimes also in the evening as well.

    Sometimes even with all of these depression still kicks my ass all over the place. Like, if I had a button I could push that would turn me OFF, I would, b/c living just hurts too much. For no reason at all that I can discern. But I haven’t found it yet, and suicide still takes a lot more effort, plus right now I’ve got my tether in place (Miss P). So I’m hanging on. Even when I’d prefer to say, FTW, goodbye!

  • How Long Can I Do This?

    My friends are encouraged that I seem better. They see me going about my normal life once more and don’t hear me talking about depression now. So the crisis must be over. Right? Wrong. I’ve just stopped waving a big flag  that says HELP on it. B/c I saw that all that really did was alarm and frustrate people. It didn’t get me anywhere. I’m still drowning here, on the verge of going under for the last time. But there is no use trying to talk.

    So. Still depressed. Still suicidal. I was riding transit today and and feeling so raw, like I had no skin. Peoples’ voices and and noises actually HURT. I was gripping the edge of the seat and thinking, just let me get to the store….I can hide out in produce or something. By the time we did get the grocery, I was almost ready to jump out of the moving bus if I had to do so. Fortunately I didn’t encounter anyone I knew at the store, and it wasn’t very crowded.  I knew that I would need time to decompress when I got home, b/c I had a meeting that evening to prepare for. (Time to prepare a face for the faces that you meet.)

    I came home. I made a new batch of the olive, fig, and walnut tapenade. (I put some aside to take down to Rick tomorrow. He will be thrilled.) I made the Gazan smashed avocado spread with zhug. (Folks at the FM loved the zhug, btw.)  I made socca. And I made a cold jeweled lentil salad with pickled red onion and basil. Ryan came over and took some home. And tomorrow I’m taking some of the labneh I made to Boyd. So the Mayhem Baking and Tea Company is doing quite well.

    I have acquired a therapist. I don’t know how he’s going to be, nor how I will pay for him. Not eat, maybe? Get fashionably thinner than I already am? But if I’m not going to give in sooner rather later to the suicidal drumbeat in my head, I need to see SOMEONE. He’s the option available at the moment, doesn’t seem terribly objectionable either as a person or a therapist, so I’ll give him a chance. I have naught to lose but some time and money. Both of which are in short shrift at the moment, but what are I am going to do? Miss P needs me. Someone has to maintain her Instagram account…..