I’m 57, going to be 58 soon. I don’t bounce back like I did in  my 20s 0r 30s. Recently I had a REALLY bad fall, due to a seizure in the wee hours of the morning. Just in case you ever wondered, if you decide to fight with a sturdy barn table, the barn table is guaranteed to win. I ended up with a couple of cracked ribs and some weeks of hobbling around. And one of those “help I’ve fallen and can’t get up buttons” from my insurance company, b/c I live alone and my whippet doesn’t have the capacity to dial 911.  (My NEXT dog will, however, as I am going to go through the American Epilepsy Foundation and apply for a service animal-not an “emotional support dog-ugh”-a dog who is certified as a seizure dog and who has been though extensive training.)

I’m going through a rough patch right now. I’m struggling with my old nemesis the black dog. Funny, I do better emotionally in the winter and fall. Spring starts to appear and depression rears it ugly head with me. All the coming sunshine just makes me want to cry. Been that way ever since I was a kid, even back in Mississippi. Dad used to tease me about it, then he gave me a boat so I could get away by myself.

Everyone I know is having a time right now, though. I’ve had two friends die in the past winter. A friend lost her father. Three other friends, my own age, have been diagnosed with life-changing diagnoses. I know others who are emigrating or are considering such. And I’ve friends just vanish from my life for no reason I can discern. I’m learning again to tread lightly with (new) people. Unfortunately, my prevailing sense is that, by and large, folks are just not to be depended upon these days. ALWAYS have a back-up plan and a book in your bag.

This was written over the Xmas season on another site. By me.

It’s Xmas season. Everywhere you turn, you are besieged with messages wishing you “Merry Xmas!” B/c as our POTUS has said, MERRY XMAS is now BACK…with a vengeance! But, as more and more folx ID as atheist, agnostic, non-religious, or even just some other religion other  than Xian, where does than leave US? We grin and bear it, give our  Xian friends appropriate gifts, try to enjoy the good things about the season….but

Really. I find this all very difficult. After a while, the red and green everywhere, the tinsel and the unending Xmas carols become maddening. I dislike Xmas even more than pumpkin spice lattes…and I HATE those with a passion. I find myself on the verge of informing random strangers that Jesus was most likely born in the spring (if he existed at all, which I doubt).  OR maybe the autumn or the summer. We don’t REALLY know. The whole Dec. 25th thing was set by the R. C. Church back in the day to co-opt Saturnalia. And Bethlehem? Another guess. Wise men? Total fabrication.

But I don’t do this. I attend parties and even church services with good grace. I wish everyone MERRY XMAS. I sing along. But inside I’m madly plotting to blow up the whole Xmas thing….even though I know it will tick on year after dreary year after year. Rant over.

I’m feeling high anxiety these days, I confess. Under attack, even. Existentially threatened.  Let me count the ways: I’m AFAB (assigned female at birth), so there’s that. I’m trans* (FtN, female to neutrois, a nonbinary gender, which is REALLY pushing buttons for folks in the culture wars); I’m Jewish; I’m atheist (yes, you CAN be both at the same time, unlike Xtianity); I’m extremely liberal politically-Democratic Socialist. I sometimes joke that the only box I fail to tick to be every conservative walking nightmare is person-of-color. Now, though I’d have to add “immigrant” to that. Though, of course, I’m the grandchild of -gasp-RUSSIAN JEWISH IMMIGRANTS.

Recent developments have been contributing to this. I’m sure you are familiar with them, unless you have been living under a rock: the recent spate of pipe-bombs sent to prominent liberals; Trump & co.’s continued attacks on the LGBTQ community including the newest proposal to literally define folks like me out of the lexicon. (Just another reason I <3 ACLU.) And now the shooting at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh. (As an aside. Will people please stop saying JEWISH SYNAGOGUES? A synagogue is de facto Jewish. There are no other kinds! Public service announcement, and you’re welcome!)

I’m trying hard not to give in and succumb to despair. I regularly get a diagnosis now of “major depressive disorder” from my internist, but because I don’t qualify for Medicaid (even the expanded version, though I helped get it passed here in VA and so happy for Virginians it was), I can’t afford regular counseling for this. The local mental health center turns me down again and again. I do the best I can. I work to get candidates who do not support such heinous policies elected-ANTHONY FLACCAVENTO for Congress! and keep them in office-TIM KAINE for Senate! I work with organizations that promote goals that will help Virginians on a grassroots level-VIRGINIA ORGANIZING and APPALACHIAN PEACE EDUCATION CENTER.

Friends help immensely. Last night two came and took me out, so that I would not be alone after the synagogue shooting. That helped so much! There was one surreal moment, though. We were at a local microbrewery listening to a local band that I quite like. I do have to wonder at the choice of music, though. There were two songs that drove me outside for a break: The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down followed by Hillbilly Nation. I just couldn’t listen to these two songs sang back to back. I felt such a sense of being a stranger in a strange land at that instance….I mean no offence here, but these two songs? What I thought outside was that when Bowers said that “I can’t sit by and let my people get slaughtered….”, well, THESE were probably HIS people in his mind. I felt so out of place and then immediately felt worse for feeling that because people here in Abingdon HAVE been kind and welcoming to me, a great many of you. So.

I’m listening to Jason Isbell a LOT these days….this is for everyone who like me might be struggling:

Somehow I’ve become one of those people I used to run from-those whose life seems to be a train wreck…..Why is my life like this? I’ve got complicated health problems. Given the current health care system in the U.S., this does not make my life easy. My living situation is problematic-I rent from a private landlord and live on his personal property, in a small apartment built into his his garage. Before this election we had coexisted peacefully, despite vast political and religious and cultural differences. He is a conservative Evangelical Xian though probably not as conservative as his wife and relatives. I know that he himself dislikes Trump and the mess in Washington. But we have clashed b/c he does not understand my concern over environmental conditions ( I discovered mold in my AC) nor share them. And I fear that if I push TOO much, I’ll be asked to move. My apartment is affordable (for now, though he’s recently raised my rent) and is in a very convenient location (Historic District) in town.  And then there’s the recent breakdown of several pieces of my electronica…my Iphone died (dead, defunct, deceased); my vacuum cleaner also died, and as I mentioned earlier my AC has mold in it though that’s my landlord’s to replace, not mine, and he’s NOT replacing it-I scrubbed it out for several hours after I discovered this and now spray it with hydrogen peroxide every week, but I fear that’s the bolting the barn door after the horses have escaped, sigh.

I console myself somewhat with the fact that I’m not the only one experiencing a breakdown of daily structure-many I know are experiencing similar struggles. A friend who lives in a different state and who has a good job with decent insurance recounted a problem getting a prescription filled lately. It took multiple phone calls to the pharmacy AND to her physician. This was not an out of the ordinary med but something she took on a routine basis and was generic.  And the tales I hear on transit from bus denizens who doesn’t have really ANY resources are truly harrowing, not to mention some of the stories I get told from the folks I “meet” whilst phonebanking….they break my heart, they do. So a lot of us are hurting out here.

I find myself chasing my tail and playing catch-up from one month to the next. I keep telling myself that myself that things will get better but I think I’m going to stop that. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I guess that life now is just going to be fucked up for an indefinite time. I’ve tried to seek help from different sources, to no avail. So I’ll just do the best I can, and if my best isn’t good enough?  Well….

I grew up in Mississippi. When things get tough, you turn to the blues. I’m posting this video of Son House doing Walking Blues, b/c one, he was a phenomenal musician and two, I got to hear him and meet him before he died.

https://youtu.be/Wl5BiHw74xU

One year has passed since the debacle at Charlottesville. One year has passed since my own encounters with various forms of hateful acts, but two especially occurred in respect to Charlottesville. (See my blog post entitled Finding No Comfort At A CandleLight Vigil.) While I had reported the drivers who made the remarks that I referenced in this entry, I had never addressed the drivers personally. I decided the time had come to do so. I wrote letters to both men, as they are still driving transit. Here is one letter:

The anniversary of Charlottesville is at hand. I don’t know if you recall telling me I should be deported, but I assure you I most assuredly do do. I’ve never spoken to you regarding this, but it made a profound impact on me. I’ve pondered it over and over during the past year.

B/c I realize you might indeed not remember, here is what transpired. Juanita was riding transit and was visibly upset about the possibility of violence coming to Abingdon. I attempted to comfort her and assure her that she was safe. She patted my hand and told me. “god bless you.” I replied to her, “Thank you.” And THEN you, transit driver, interjected unasked into the conversation THIS: “Oh, she’s (meaning me) laughing at you…she doesn’t believe in god!” This further upset Juanita, who now thinks her friend who is going to hell! She got off of transit even more troubled.  I am saddened and aghast that you used one of transit’s most vulnerable passengers to target your anger over my beliefs/politics/orientation. And all I said to you afterwards was, “You know, the 1st Amendment applies to me also.” And your reply was as follows: “No, it doesn’t. You don’t believe in a Christian god. You’re one of them atheists. You should be deported!” (I’m curious-what country did you have mind for me?)

So. Thank you for making me much less safe on public transit. Thank you for making me feel much less welcome in my own country. Thank you for setting an example for “good Christians” everywhere. Thank you for showing me who you are. And finally, thank you for giving much to think about over the past year.  I know that I have the reputation of being “the militant” on public transit. But I’ve always endeavored to treat my fellow passengers and the drivers with kindness and respect. I shall continue to do so, though I have no deity instructing me do so. I hope that you do likewise.

I am a volunteer for Anthony Flaccavento in Abingdon, VA. Sometimes people will ask me why I am working to get him elected. I decided to put my reasons down on paper, so to speak. A written testimonial, if you were.

First and foremost: Character matters, now more than ever.  Anthony is one of the most decent thoughtful individuals I’ve met. I’ve known him for many years, going back to when I lived here before and he ran the first time. He’s never wavered in his unfailing kindness and regard for those around him. This is reflected in his business and his accomplishments, most notably Appalachian Sustainable Agriculture. (Love your local farmer’s market? Might consider voting for Anthony, as ASD has been instrumental in the development and nurturance of these all across Appalachia.)

Second. He is a Man With A Plan, what I call a “concrete visionary.” His rural progressive platform and other such ideas are very specific to this region, which is what we need here. He has definite ideas for what could be done across Appalachia, economically and in other areas. I won’t enumerate them here, as he does a much better job than I. I refer you to his excellent website (flacc4congress.com or to explore his rural progressive platform in depth, ruralprogressivepolitcs.files.wordpress.com) or his book (Building A Healthy Economy From The Bottom Up: Harnessing Real-World Experience For Transformative Change), should you wish to delve further.

Third. Anthony listens and Anthony shows up. If you are a constituent of his and call him with a problem, you WILL be heard and he WILL endeavor to address your concerns. I am certain of this. You won’t get some robo-form letter that says the same thing for  every reason you call the office , regardless of WHY you call. ( Yes, Morgan Griffith, I’m talking about YOU!) And Anthony will show up in Congress to DO HIS JOB AND ALSO VISIT THE 9TH DISTRICT! Imagine seeing your Congressman eating at a local restaurant! Being able to visit with him! Talk to him! Wouldn’t THAT be nice?

There are many other reasons, too. But these are the big three. I hope to see you at the polls on Nov 6!

I just watched the debate between Tim Kaine and Corey Stewart. I found Corey to be Hobbesian in the extreme in his answers, i.e. nasty, brutish, and short, as least as far as the facts were concerned. However, and I say this as someone who is devoting my time to HELP Kaine and Flaccavento  get elected on NOV 6th in Virginia, Corey Stewart owned the debate. He turned it away from a  debate between two people running for office in Virginia and into a referendum on support for Donald Trump. Kaine seemed either unable or unwilling to stop this, and so rather than being able to do a back and forth debate on his positions or policies, was forced into a showdown over his (lack of) support of  Trump. When Kaine attempted in vain to show that he had in fact worked with the administration on a variety of policies, for how could he NOT-that’s his JOB as a U.S. Senator and ranking member of several committees, Stewart steamrolled over his answers and kept up  his drumbeat of Kaine being “a weak ultra-liberal who takes his marching orders from Chuck Shumer, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton.” I’m merely surprised that George Soros never got mentioned. Perhaps he’s saving George for later.

The audience (The Virginia Bar Association) ate Corey’s little heap o’ Trump right up. They even booed Tim Kaine, one of the nicest and most decent guys I’ve ever met. And I fear that this WILL CONTINUE TO HAPPEN.  The rules have changed, you see, and a lot of liberal Democrats haven’t caught up. I’m NOT saying we play by Trump’s rules and engage in this sort of gaslighting, what-aboutism, deflection, and flat-out lying. But I AM desperately saying that we NEED TO LEARN WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!! Study George Lakeoff, for example. (The Blue Book is an excellent introduction.) Listen to his webinars and videos on idea-framing. and other concepts. Amanda Carpenter is another person, not nearly as academic but still very good, who has written on Trump’s technique…she is a REPUBLICAN. (The book is Gaslighting America: Why We Love When Trump Lies To Us.)

We keep thinking that if we point out the flaws in their arguments, the contradictions in their statements, or their actual lies, that this is going to change hearts and minds. For the few out there that are primarily cerebral, perhaps this is effective. But this is not what the game is about any longer-to our opponents. They have have given up on the whole reason and logic front altogether and moved to occupy tribalism and emotional satisfaction instead. But damn,  they do this SO WELL! (I mean, if a person living here on Disability REALLY contemplated it, he might have to admit that Trump is one of the very elites he claims to despise and has zero in common with ANYONE living in Appalachia.) But it’s not about that. It’s about how rooting for Trump makes them FEEL. Do people REALLY think a border wall is going to happen or will actually work? Well, no, not really. But it definitely FEELS right and good to say (or chant with your buddies), “Build that wall! Build that wall!” And it’s a heck of a lot easier to say (and think about) than “enact sensible immigration policies that will give us a coherent system for dealing with people who are seeking asylum and those who wish to come for other reasons  economic and cultural and climate-related and oh, do something too to help conditions in the countries that they are leaving” .

Okay, Back from my tangent. The point I’m trying to make is that I fear a LOT of good Democrats are STILL missing the point. I want these people to WAKE UP. Otherwise, I fear I will awaken on Nov. 6th to find my beloved state of Virginia a blue bastion no longer: Tim Kaine loses to Corey Stewart; Anthony Flaccavento loses to Morgan Griffith; and in my nightmares, 2020 rolls around and America gets Donald J. Trump and ilk for another 4 years or worse. PLEASE STOP THIS!!!