Hallway to Nowhere

  • Bullying-My Story

    I read heart-breaking stories about young children who have killed themselves because of bullying. The First Lady has (supposedly) taken up cyber-bullying and other forms of bullying as her personal cause. Friends have reported that their children are being subjected to various degrees of bullying for being different, i.e. they are not white/straight/gender-conforming. This has led me to reflect on the instances of bullying in my past, when I was in secondary school. (Yes, I was bullied. Big surprise.)

    The first instance that really comes to mind was during the first day of elementary school. Let me first say that elementary school itself was a HUGE shock to me. This was the first time I had been around other CHILDREN and indeed it was the first time I was treated as a child. Hithertofore I had spent my time around adults and pretty much been treated like a very small intelligent being. Here I was handed CHILDREN’S books, which I regarded as an insult, and I found children to be totally alien.

    Getting back to recess and the topic at hand. We went out for recess and the teacher instructed us to skip. I looked at her blankly and inquired,”Skip what?” She had to show me how to skip, which I found most humiliating, and the other children laughed at me. That set the tone for the rest of the my life in elementary school, vis a vis the other children. My glasses were regularly knocked off my head or stolen; my books were shoved out of my arms; recess was just a nightmare. The teachers didn’t make this any better by their obvious preference for me, once they had discovered my academic prowess. Praising a child in class to the detriment of their peers does not endear them to their classmates.

    Gym class was its own special brand of torture. IT was taught by a misogynistic coach who allowed us divide up into teams that pitted the boys against the girls. The girls got battered, and some girls got battered more than others. Finally I had had enough. I brought a book to class one day, sat myself under a tree in the yard, and announced that I wasn’t playing with the others. The coach yelled at  me to get back in the game (kick ball, an esp. hated game for me.) I refused. He sent me to the principal’s office. I went and explained to the principal that I was tired of getting: shoved, hit, knocked to ground, trampled on, etc. So I was opting out. He said that I couldn’t do that. I replied that I was. He said that I would get an F. I said, “Fine.” He then said, “I think I’m going to have to call your parents….” I said, “Fine.” So my parents came, heard what was ensuing, and backed me up! They told the principal that if I chose not to participate in activity that was causing me to get knocked about, that was totally acceptable and reasonable behavior and that they supported me. The principal reiterated his threat of an F for the semester. My parents told him, “Fine.” So I sat out of gym the rest of that semester with my book. And incidently I never had to take another gym class the rest of my elementary school career. I was excused for “health” reasons by order of the principal. (More likely by reason of my parents theatened to make an issue of the coach.)

    The other bullying that took place didn’t have such a good resolution. It was during Junior High. I was a Band Geek and played trombone. I rode the bus and was always burdened down with a trombone and a heavy knapsack of books. Being a small nerdy girl with glasses with a reputation for being smart can make you a target. There were some really BIG (or so they seemed to me at the time) girls who rode the same bus as I did who decided that I was the perfect prey. Day after day they assaulted me: they pushed me to the ground, knocked over my trombone case, threw my books around, called me names….I couldn’t fight back physically; I was outnumbered, plus I didn’t know how to fight AND we were on school property and I didn’t want to get caught fighting. So I fought back using the only method at my means: my vocabulary. I called those girls names I’m sure they would have surely beaten me up for, had they known what I was saying. But they simply had no idea that they were being maligned. I even cursed them out in Latin…and Latin has some truly amazing curses. (Perite and vacca stulta were two favorites.)

    Looking back on this I find myself wondering where the bus driver or a teacher or SOMEBODY, some adult, was. But back then bullying wasn’t really on anyone’s radar. I certainly didn’t tell anyone about it. It just didn’t occur to me. You didn’t talk to adults about stuff like this. I pretty sure that if I had thought about it, I would have concluded that talking to a teacher would have only made matters WORSE, not better. This was not like elementary school, where your parents could intervene and make a difference. This was Junior High, and your peers ruled. For a teacher or other adult to be seen trying step in your behalf would be infinitely a terrible mistake. Whatever was going on would increase full force. Shudder.

    And this is part of the reason why I left for college at age 16.

  • My Response To My Christian Troll

    You sent me repeated mesages that were not nice at all. You attacked my beliefs, or rather my lack of belief, and then you went to criticize my attractiveness. And you did this all in the guise of Christianity, in a attempt on a DATING SITE, to convert me. The only thing I did to provoke this onslaught was to mention in my introduction that I was an atheist. That apparently was enough to justify inappropriate behavior that borders on being seemingly unstable.

    I usually would have responded snarkily. But I had been pondering the deep divisions I see around me and I made the decision that wherever possible I would not contribute to this on an individual basis. I do not know what a person is struggling with that makes them act or say the way they do and so I resolved to endeavor to try harder to treat others with kindness and compassion. And that means you. That means the person who gets in my face at the laundromat to berate me about Trump for no apparent reason. That means every single person I encounter, whether I like them or dislike them. I have generally approached people with the idea everyone I meet is a decent human being struggling to do the best they can with what they have at that moment…until they prove differently. Now I’m making an effort to eliminate that last clause. Some people WILL do their best to prove me wrong, true. But I am going to treat them kindly and with respect. Because that is what human beings do. Will I fail sometimes? Sure. I’m not perfect. But I will make the effort.

  • Another Attack By A (Christian) Troll

    Another Attack By A (Christian) Troll

    I have a profile at a dating site. I put it up in hopes that I would meet some interesting new FRIENDS, being as I live in a small town and meeting people here is difficult. In my introduction I was candid about being: ace, agender, aromantic, and atheist. Last night the last adjective proved to be too upsetting for another user, resulting in the following encounter:

    SHE initiates contact with me to say something innocuous, “heya, how are you?” I always take the time to read the profile of anyone who contacts me, and hers emphatically stated that she wished to talk to others about traveling. So I responded with a question, “I’m fine, thank you. I see your profile says that you wish to talk about traveling? So where do you wish to travel, or where have you traveled?” She responds with a long diatribe about Jesus and how she believes in God. Okkkkay, then. My usual response would be to say something snarky, but I had told myself that this week I would endeavor to be kinder and gentler to all I met. This includes Christian people who are hell-bent on saving my soul. So I replied with a polite answer and wished her a Happy Thanksgiving. She contacts me AGAIN this morning to find out why I wasn’t responding to her god-talk and then sends another message that she doesn’t find “men-looking” women attractive.  I’m beginning to lose my patience at this point. But I remember my resolution. Though I know that I am wasting my time, I do  respond, albeit still politely. I say that she has voiced her dislike of my beliefs and my appearance through more than one message now and I am frankly puzzled as to why she keeps contacting me. I am happy for her that she is saved by Jesus hopes that she has a blessed Thanksgiving. Then I blocked her.  I don’t think she realized this, for I continued to get messages from her. They went unread.

    WHY do some Christians feel entitled to engage in this behavior? And this is definitely a CHRISTIAN thing. You don’t see practitioners of ANY other religion doing this sort of thing. It irks me to no end. Not only is it highly annoying; it is presumptuous, contemptuous, and entitled. It CLEARLY says, “I know better than you do what is best for you and I am prepared to trample all over your beliefs and your rights in the name of my god.” This is what gives Christianity a bad name and a black mark in the eyes of so many non-Christians. These type of Christians don’t just do this to atheists; they’ll do this to ANYONE who doesn’t subscribe to their brand of Christianity-even other Christians. But atheists really seem to rile them, I’ll admit. We’re like a direct challenge to them, some sort of theological red flag. My life would probably be a lot easier if I would play nice, as a pastor friend of mine suggested, and start saying that I’m an agnostic. It sounds better, he says, less militant and harsh. Not so confrontative.

    I’m sorry. Let’s talk about confrontation, shall we? A CHRISTIAN shouted at me that I’m damned while I was walking to the farmers market upon merely hearing, “No, I’m an atheist, sir.” A CHRISTIAN told me to “FUCK OFF, you’re obviously not on your way to church!” while on his way to CHURCH, after I helpfully and politely informed him that he had parked his car illegally and that it would be towed. A CHRISTIAN told me that I should be DEPORTED b/c I didn’t believe in a CHRISTIAN god. And, as described above, a CHRISTIAN sought me out on a DATING SITE to revile both my beliefs and my looks. So who is seeking confrontation here? Do I knock on doors and ask, “Pardon me, have you studied the good news about critical reasoning and rationality?” Do I stand at the entrance of the farmers market and read from Darwin? Do I hand out pocket-sized editions of Richard Dawkins “The God Delusion” to be distributed by legions of middle-aged atheists and placed in motel rooms nationwide? Maybe someone needs to start doing this. IF I keep encountering Christian trolls, maybe it might be me.

  • Roy Moore Has A Great Big (Christian) Credibility Problem

    Roy Moore Has A Great Big (Christian) Credibility Problem

    Roy Moore has based his career as a politician on his self-righteous Christianity. He installed a marble statue of the 10 Commandments in his courtroom as Alabama’s Chief Justice and was removed from office when he refused to remove it. He was elected again to head the court and again removed after he directed probate judges to continue to enforce the state’s ban on same-sex marriages. He resigned and is now running for the seat vacated by Jeff Sessions. He is known for his anti-LGBTQ views, anti-Muslim and immigrant sentiments, and past ties to neo-Confederate and white nationalist groups, in addition to his loudly and oft-expressed notions about Christianity.

    He really ought to have heeded the saying about glass houses and stones. His house is shattering all about him. What remains to be seen is whether this will make any difference to his constituency: the largely evangelical Republicans in Alabama. An Alabama state official has already defended Moore from the allegations that have been made in the Washington Post stating that he engaged in what is legally sexual abuse of a minor. Around 86% of Alabama residents identify as Christians, and almost half of those say they are evangelical. According to the Pew Research Center, 70% of white evangelicals now say that a person who commits “an immoral act” can behave ethically in the public sphere (unless, of course, you are Hillary Clinton). I suppose this is part and parcel of the whole “forget everything except your personal relationship with Jesus” thing? I USED to hear  that my Christian friends  expected their politicians to live up to a certain moral standard IN ALL RESPECTS….that their personal lives should reflect their public lives.

    Now? Not so much. I hear increasingly that the ends justify the means, and if that means embracing a foul-mouthed hypocrite like DJT, then so be it. After all, god can use anyone he wants, right? But to those of us who are looking on, this smacks less of faith than of desperation at best and of venality at worst. They are throwing away their standards in pursuit of goals that will most likely never materialize. To use a reference from their own bible, DJT definitely has feet of clay! And as we are now finding out, so does Roy Moore, god’s own self-chosen one in Alabama!

  • An Extraordinary Opportunity For The Democrats

    An Extraordinary Opportunity For The Democrats

    The election of Mr. Trump (#notmypresident) offered up an extraordinary opportunity for the Democrats. He presents us with such a stark contrast of choice to offer voters. I had hopes of seeing the party I care about revitalized, reunited, and really working on a grassroots-level to once again begin reaching the people it claimed to stand for.  Now I am not sure that it will do so.  I am not a politician.  But here is what I think needs to happen for the Democratic Party to be an effective presence in people’s lives again:

    People do NOT think the Democrats (or Republicans either, really) CARE about what is happening to them. And the way to combat this is not by making calls or asking people to sign online petitions. We need to be SHOWING UP ON PEOPLE’S DOORSTEPS and TALKING TO THEM! We need to asking them, “What are the issues that truly concern you? What worries you? What do you (and not Fox News) think the government) needs to be doing? ” And we need to do this continually! Not just during an election cycle!

    If, say, the local Dems were an organization that REGULARLY (and I mean at least once per month) went door to door to residents of Washington County to inquire about their well-being and find out what we could do to help, I imagine our membership would soar. This would accomplish so much more than the phone-banks. It would help repair the damage that political parties of all stripes have inflicted on people. It would let people know that that the Democratic Party is HERE and wants to work for THEM. And even if they presented problems that sometimes had no immediate solution, we could at least listen. And that means a lot to folks in these disconnected times.

    Will anyone pay any attention to this post? Probably not. But I’ve seen this done in other places. It IS effective and it DOES work. The Democratic Party can be a vehicle for effective postive change. I wish that would happen here.

     

  • I Mourn For My Christian Friends

    I Mourn For My Christian Friends

    I noticed recently that a large marble plaque of the ten commandments (Xtian version, of course) has been posted on the main  street in my little town.  I’m sure that it is on private property but is so situated as to make it appear that it is town-sponsored. Had it just been the decalogue, I would have shrugged my shoulders and gone about my business. BUT underneath this was another marble plaque that proclaims: OUR AMERICAN HERITAGE. Ahem. I don’t THINK so. Your CHRISTIAN heritage, yes. Your JEWISH heritage, maybe, (with a different version).  But NOT American heritage. I believe that the many indigenous inhabitants of this land would beg to differ, as would those who helped build this nation and did not subscribe to Christian beliefs.

    I was on transit when I first saw this. A friend of mine happened to be with me, a retired coal miner. He remarked that HE was Christian, had been all his life, but that he found this offensive. He said, “How do you think people who come to Abingdon who are NOT Christian or not THAT type of Christian are going to feel when they see that? Not welcome or wanted, that’s how! And MY Christian faith wouldn’t think that’s a Christian thing to do!”  As a non-Christian, had I seen that coming into a town, I would have felt immediately on guard. It seems a statement of identity: this is what this place is and who fits in here. It is not welcoming, not hospitable, and not even factual. It is divisive, confrontative, and exclusive. Those who put it up might have had good intentions. But in today’s charged environment, I have to speculate that they realized what they were doing and did it intentionally. I want to believe that people listen to their better angels, as Abraham Lincoln puts it so eloquently. But I find that so often, when a test comes, when the moment of truth arrives and given the chance to do something that will make that difference, they falter and give heed instead to darker voices born from ignorance and fear instead.

    So many Christians, I know you are not this. But this IS HAPPENING HERE. I can critique this, but I can only do it from the outside. For this to stop, CHRISTIANS are going to have toaddress this. As long as this is considered acceptable behavior, it will continue. History will be re-written. Christianity will continue to morph into forms more authoritarian, shallower, and crueler than anything Jesus might have imagined. And those of us looking on from the outside can only watch and mourn and wonder how far this will go.

     

  • Smiling Faces

    Smiling Faces

    I’ve thought long and hard about this this blog post. Finally I decided that I needed to write it. Last Saturday something happened at the local farmers market that I find disturbing, both on a personal level and as a commentary on how men feel free to interact with someone they perceive as female. I have been struggling with whether or not to write about this, for to do so makes it public. But I think this deserves to be talked about. The more women and others allow men to do this, the more they will do this, either because they think it is acceptable or because they believe they will not be called on it. So:

    I was having a conversation with several vendors I know. One (a man) jokingly said of the other that she was looking for a man. News to me, but whatever. I was taken aback at how he said it, though. It was sudden and inappropriate. That began the sorry slide of  continuing remarks of a supposedly jocular tone that were related to dating and or sex. Now this person is older than I am and knows I’m queer. I do NOT know what possessed him to do this. We’ve always been very cordial. I was helping him sell some of items that day in an informal manner, as I have hithertofore liked him and what he manufactored. I tried to laugh what he said off.

    But I can’t. He wasn’t overtly lewd, just enough suggestive to make me uncomfortable, but that it happened at all has now changed the way I see him AND the farmers market. He is no longer a person around whom I feel comfortable. He is moved from my “safe” list to my “unsafe” list. And, sadly, his actions and words have made the FARMERS MARKET, a place which had been one of my most favorite places in Abingdon, now a place where I know that I still have to be on guard. It was naive of me not to have been otherwise.

    Part of me wants to go on a rant. To say: What sort of world is this where a woman (I know, I don’t ID as female,  but still get defaulted that way) can’t fucking GO TO THE FARMERS MARKET without being subjected to some utterly obtuse male thinking it is fine to make sexually suggestive comments? And also: Hello, Harvey Weinstein???  You’d think especially NOW he’d have better sense than to do this type of thing? And so on. But I’m not going to do so. I’m too saddened and disapponted by what transpired. But I could not let it go with saying something. Now I have.

  • I Was Assaulted As An Undergrad (No Catchy Title)

    This is my Harvey Weinstein story. I’ve never revealed this before. When I was in my first semester of college, a very young undergrad (age 16), I was sexually assaulted by a professor. Not only was he much older that I, married, he was also an administrator.  He was not a prof in any of my classes but did run one of the programs in which I was enrolled. We had met at a party for the Honors College that I attended. (Just in case you are wondering, there was no alcohol or drugs at this gathering. ) We talked about literature. He mentioned that he lived not far from my apartment, and asked if I was interested in babysitting his son. I said that I would like to meet his son first, as he had indicated he had some  disabilities, and I wanted to be sure I could physically cope with whatever was necessary. We agreed on a time to meet in the afternoon the next day.

    I walked to his house. Now keep in mind that this was in the mid-70s so pre-cell phone and pre-PC. I really had no way to vet this guy other than to ask around and I had no reason to think I needed to do that. I mean, he was a person I would assume I should trust- an admin and a respected prof. So I blithely went off alone and didn’t mention to anyone where I was going. After all, I expected that his wife and son would be there. What was to worry about?

    I should have worried. I arrived there to find him alone. He said his wife and son would be home soon. I thought, “Okay”. He took me into his study…how cheesy, right? We went in there and he pulled out a book to hand to me. He dropped it. I leaned to pick it up, the next thing I know, I’m on the floor with him on top of me…thinking WTF??? He’s a big guy and I’m not. He’s trying to kiss me; I’m turning away, and saying NONONONO. He keeps saying, “You came here, you came here, you came here….” Inside my head is the words NOT FOR THIS NEVER FOR THIS and he’s unzipping his pants but then the we hear a noise outside. His wife and son had returned. I’ve been saved. He whispers, “You wanted this this, you know.”

    The next day I found a gift-wrapped copy of the Necronomicon had been delivered to my apartment, along with a note that said that he and his wife had an arrangement. If I tried to tell anyone what happened, she would say that I had seduced her husband. I was shaking as  I read the note.  I didn’t tell anyone. I just unenrolled from anything having to do with him, avoided him on campus, and made sure to tell my friends to do the same.

    Looking back, I’m can see now that he was a predator plain and simple. I’m sure I was not the first student he had pulled that babysitting routine with and unfortunately, because I did not tell anyone, I was not the last. Why didn’t I tell? Because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I was a  very young student. He was a reputable venerable professor in a postion of power and privilege.  And I feared losing my early admission and having to return to high school.  And I didn’t want to be seen as a victim. And I was ashamed… it gets turned around into, “that I allowed this to happen to me.”

     

  • Time To Wake Up, Dems!

    Time To Wake Up, Dems!

    I was at a meeting of the Washington Co. Dems last night. We had MILLENIALS there! We had NEW PEOPLE there! We had CONCRETE THINGS TO DISCUSS! The  VA gubernatorial race is fast coming to a close; we are working phone-banks to update our data-base AND to get out voters for the Dems; we have candidates runnings in local races for supervisors; and Mike FREAKING Pence is coming to town to stump for the Republican candidate for governor. I mean…WE HAVE THINGS TO DO!!!

    So, after a fairly routine hour, we then spend almost THIRTY minutes discussing a Roberts Rule Of Order question concerning a quorum.  I kid you not. This was debated with great seriousness and intensity and tedious detail. The millennials departed. And let me add that while the question of the quorum was being pondered, several lists were being circulated. Because that’s how the Dems here roll-we want everyone to sign pen and paper lists. Hello, digital world? We have computers and cell phones now!  (Sorry, Michael. I know you are doing your best to drag the WaCoDems into the 21st century. ) After a few minutes I wanted to stick a sharp pen in my ear.

    But THIS sort of meeting is EXACTLY why millennials (and maybe me after the election, I’m not sure yet) aviod the local Dems like the plague. When you have obvious important events going both locally, on a state level, and nationally, and you come to a meeting of the party that is supposed to be the party of choice (else the Republicans), and you get more nattering about  rules than about what people can be DOING to affect change, then you are not going to attract people, esp. young people. I see SUCH a divide in this area among the young progressives I know and the older people in the Dems. The younger progressives are much more action-oriented and, more importantly, BELIEVE CHANGE IS POSSIBLE; the older folks I know, rightly or wrongly, are much more cautious, less confrontative (for the most part), and talk more about working within the system .

    I had thought that we needed to bring the millennials to the Dems. Pfft! I no longer think that’s a viable idea. Maybe they can stage a progressive takeover in other places. But the Dems here?  Unless something happens to wake them up, I think they are not going to get any millennials, for though there IS a strong progressive millennial presence in SWVA, as evidenced by organizations like Bristol Indivisible, VA Organizing, the younger members of APEC, YAP, and others, the Washington County Dems are doing a VERY effective job of alienating them, hearts and minds. Keep up the good work! (I say that sardonically, of course.)

  • Stop Saying “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

    Stop Saying “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

    I recently had this exchange with a gun-rights person on FB. I’m very tired of hearing the “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people!” retort. That isn’t correct. People WITH GUNS kill people. And often, it followed by a false equivalency: people kill people with knives, too! You want to ban butter knives? Grrr….

    While I hold far more radical views on guns in society than most (see my earlier blog), I want to point out that there is reasonable legislation that has been rescinded by Trump (#NotMyPresident) (H.J. Res 40) which would have made background checks for those with mental illnesses more neccessary. In keeping with the gun-friendly era of Trump, Congress was in the process of passing a bill  (the Sportmen’s Heritage and Recreational Enhancement Act) that would allow, among other things, the loosening of restrictions on transporting firearms across state lines, the classification of types of ammunition desgnated as “armor-piercing”, and the treatment of silencers as the equal to firearms, requiring only a fedral back-ground check. (The bill has not yet come to the floor in light of the Las Vegas shooting but still might later.)

    The point  I am trying to make is that gun-control laws do NOT attempt to ban all weapons, nor are law makers coming for your guns. (Let me point out to you that Obama was in office for TWO entire terms and never did he nor any federal agents come after your guns! This being said for the benefit of those of you who just knew that such would happen!) But there are some things that need to happen. Assault weapons do NOT need to be available to individuals. (If you read this and disagree, I invite you to leave a comment explaining to me WHY someone needs an assault rifle.) Everyone needs a background check, regardless of where and from whom they buy their weapon. And surely there needs to a limit on the number of weapons one person can own.