Hallway to Nowhere

  • Smiling Faces

    Smiling Faces

    I’ve thought long and hard about this this blog post. Finally I decided that I needed to write it. Last Saturday something happened at the local farmers market that I find disturbing, both on a personal level and as a commentary on how men feel free to interact with someone they perceive as female. I have been struggling with whether or not to write about this, for to do so makes it public. But I think this deserves to be talked about. The more women and others allow men to do this, the more they will do this, either because they think it is acceptable or because they believe they will not be called on it. So:

    I was having a conversation with several vendors I know. One (a man) jokingly said of the other that she was looking for a man. News to me, but whatever. I was taken aback at how he said it, though. It was sudden and inappropriate. That began the sorry slide of  continuing remarks of a supposedly jocular tone that were related to dating and or sex. Now this person is older than I am and knows I’m queer. I do NOT know what possessed him to do this. We’ve always been very cordial. I was helping him sell some of items that day in an informal manner, as I have hithertofore liked him and what he manufactored. I tried to laugh what he said off.

    But I can’t. He wasn’t overtly lewd, just enough suggestive to make me uncomfortable, but that it happened at all has now changed the way I see him AND the farmers market. He is no longer a person around whom I feel comfortable. He is moved from my “safe” list to my “unsafe” list. And, sadly, his actions and words have made the FARMERS MARKET, a place which had been one of my most favorite places in Abingdon, now a place where I know that I still have to be on guard. It was naive of me not to have been otherwise.

    Part of me wants to go on a rant. To say: What sort of world is this where a woman (I know, I don’t ID as female,  but still get defaulted that way) can’t fucking GO TO THE FARMERS MARKET without being subjected to some utterly obtuse male thinking it is fine to make sexually suggestive comments? And also: Hello, Harvey Weinstein???  You’d think especially NOW he’d have better sense than to do this type of thing? And so on. But I’m not going to do so. I’m too saddened and disapponted by what transpired. But I could not let it go with saying something. Now I have.

  • I Was Assaulted As An Undergrad (No Catchy Title)

    This is my Harvey Weinstein story. I’ve never revealed this before. When I was in my first semester of college, a very young undergrad (age 16), I was sexually assaulted by a professor. Not only was he much older that I, married, he was also an administrator.  He was not a prof in any of my classes but did run one of the programs in which I was enrolled. We had met at a party for the Honors College that I attended. (Just in case you are wondering, there was no alcohol or drugs at this gathering. ) We talked about literature. He mentioned that he lived not far from my apartment, and asked if I was interested in babysitting his son. I said that I would like to meet his son first, as he had indicated he had some  disabilities, and I wanted to be sure I could physically cope with whatever was necessary. We agreed on a time to meet in the afternoon the next day.

    I walked to his house. Now keep in mind that this was in the mid-70s so pre-cell phone and pre-PC. I really had no way to vet this guy other than to ask around and I had no reason to think I needed to do that. I mean, he was a person I would assume I should trust- an admin and a respected prof. So I blithely went off alone and didn’t mention to anyone where I was going. After all, I expected that his wife and son would be there. What was to worry about?

    I should have worried. I arrived there to find him alone. He said his wife and son would be home soon. I thought, “Okay”. He took me into his study…how cheesy, right? We went in there and he pulled out a book to hand to me. He dropped it. I leaned to pick it up, the next thing I know, I’m on the floor with him on top of me…thinking WTF??? He’s a big guy and I’m not. He’s trying to kiss me; I’m turning away, and saying NONONONO. He keeps saying, “You came here, you came here, you came here….” Inside my head is the words NOT FOR THIS NEVER FOR THIS and he’s unzipping his pants but then the we hear a noise outside. His wife and son had returned. I’ve been saved. He whispers, “You wanted this this, you know.”

    The next day I found a gift-wrapped copy of the Necronomicon had been delivered to my apartment, along with a note that said that he and his wife had an arrangement. If I tried to tell anyone what happened, she would say that I had seduced her husband. I was shaking as  I read the note.  I didn’t tell anyone. I just unenrolled from anything having to do with him, avoided him on campus, and made sure to tell my friends to do the same.

    Looking back, I’m can see now that he was a predator plain and simple. I’m sure I was not the first student he had pulled that babysitting routine with and unfortunately, because I did not tell anyone, I was not the last. Why didn’t I tell? Because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I was a  very young student. He was a reputable venerable professor in a postion of power and privilege.  And I feared losing my early admission and having to return to high school.  And I didn’t want to be seen as a victim. And I was ashamed… it gets turned around into, “that I allowed this to happen to me.”

     

  • Time To Wake Up, Dems!

    Time To Wake Up, Dems!

    I was at a meeting of the Washington Co. Dems last night. We had MILLENIALS there! We had NEW PEOPLE there! We had CONCRETE THINGS TO DISCUSS! The  VA gubernatorial race is fast coming to a close; we are working phone-banks to update our data-base AND to get out voters for the Dems; we have candidates runnings in local races for supervisors; and Mike FREAKING Pence is coming to town to stump for the Republican candidate for governor. I mean…WE HAVE THINGS TO DO!!!

    So, after a fairly routine hour, we then spend almost THIRTY minutes discussing a Roberts Rule Of Order question concerning a quorum.  I kid you not. This was debated with great seriousness and intensity and tedious detail. The millennials departed. And let me add that while the question of the quorum was being pondered, several lists were being circulated. Because that’s how the Dems here roll-we want everyone to sign pen and paper lists. Hello, digital world? We have computers and cell phones now!  (Sorry, Michael. I know you are doing your best to drag the WaCoDems into the 21st century. ) After a few minutes I wanted to stick a sharp pen in my ear.

    But THIS sort of meeting is EXACTLY why millennials (and maybe me after the election, I’m not sure yet) aviod the local Dems like the plague. When you have obvious important events going both locally, on a state level, and nationally, and you come to a meeting of the party that is supposed to be the party of choice (else the Republicans), and you get more nattering about  rules than about what people can be DOING to affect change, then you are not going to attract people, esp. young people. I see SUCH a divide in this area among the young progressives I know and the older people in the Dems. The younger progressives are much more action-oriented and, more importantly, BELIEVE CHANGE IS POSSIBLE; the older folks I know, rightly or wrongly, are much more cautious, less confrontative (for the most part), and talk more about working within the system .

    I had thought that we needed to bring the millennials to the Dems. Pfft! I no longer think that’s a viable idea. Maybe they can stage a progressive takeover in other places. But the Dems here?  Unless something happens to wake them up, I think they are not going to get any millennials, for though there IS a strong progressive millennial presence in SWVA, as evidenced by organizations like Bristol Indivisible, VA Organizing, the younger members of APEC, YAP, and others, the Washington County Dems are doing a VERY effective job of alienating them, hearts and minds. Keep up the good work! (I say that sardonically, of course.)

  • Stop Saying “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

    Stop Saying “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

    I recently had this exchange with a gun-rights person on FB. I’m very tired of hearing the “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people!” retort. That isn’t correct. People WITH GUNS kill people. And often, it followed by a false equivalency: people kill people with knives, too! You want to ban butter knives? Grrr….

    While I hold far more radical views on guns in society than most (see my earlier blog), I want to point out that there is reasonable legislation that has been rescinded by Trump (#NotMyPresident) (H.J. Res 40) which would have made background checks for those with mental illnesses more neccessary. In keeping with the gun-friendly era of Trump, Congress was in the process of passing a bill  (the Sportmen’s Heritage and Recreational Enhancement Act) that would allow, among other things, the loosening of restrictions on transporting firearms across state lines, the classification of types of ammunition desgnated as “armor-piercing”, and the treatment of silencers as the equal to firearms, requiring only a fedral back-ground check. (The bill has not yet come to the floor in light of the Las Vegas shooting but still might later.)

    The point  I am trying to make is that gun-control laws do NOT attempt to ban all weapons, nor are law makers coming for your guns. (Let me point out to you that Obama was in office for TWO entire terms and never did he nor any federal agents come after your guns! This being said for the benefit of those of you who just knew that such would happen!) But there are some things that need to happen. Assault weapons do NOT need to be available to individuals. (If you read this and disagree, I invite you to leave a comment explaining to me WHY someone needs an assault rifle.) Everyone needs a background check, regardless of where and from whom they buy their weapon. And surely there needs to a limit on the number of weapons one person can own.

  • Trump’s Response On Las Vegas Vs Puerto Rico

    Trump’s Response On Las Vegas Vs Puerto Rico

    I just finished watched Trump’s (#NotMyPresident) remarks on the the Las Vegas shooting. While I do not mean to diminish the depth of this tragedy in any way, I could help but compare his response to it to his response to the ongoing suffering in Puerto Rico. Trump was immediately on-cue and is visiting Las Vegas Wednesday, only two days after the shooting occurred. He has YET to visit Puerto Rico, though he is supposed to do so Tuesday. (We’ll see if this actually takes place.) Maria struck the island NINE days ago. Part of me cynically wonders if this has to do with the fact that the shooting in Las Vegas struck more at people who might be Trump’s people: it was a country music concert, so chances are the concert-goers were more than likely white. I haven’t seen anything about this, mind you. Whereas Puerto Rico is filled with….you know, nonwhite people. The type of people Trump likes to call names and ban from the country. Just one step up from “rapists and drug lords.” Probably bad hombres.

    Mass shootings are getting deadlier. The shooters have access to weapons that will cause more harm. (Thank you, NRA!) Usually, when the gunman is white, he is said to be a “lone wolf” and often found to have mental problems. But let the gunman be Muslim or African American, and -viola- you have a terrorist attack! Interesting, that double standard there.

    I don’t really have a firm end point here. Just something to think about.

  • Why I Resist

    Why I Resist

    Recently I’ve been asked why I fight the battles I do-against hatred, bigotry, separation of church and state, and Trump (#NotMyPrez) &Co. Friends worry about my safety. I’ve been pondering this. Here is my reply:

    A little of my history. I was a child during the 60s. I saw first-hand that people CAN make a difference, should they choose to do so. I heard the stirring words of Martin Luther King and saw the dismantling of the Jim Crow South (to some effect). I watched the anti-war protests, met some who protested, and saw the U.S. end its participation in the Vietnam War. My father was involved in local politics (Democratic Party) and I often attended rallies and other events at his side. I witnessed the Klan holding a march in full regalia. I heard stories from relatives about the horrors of Nazi Germany AND the pogroms in Russia, and studied this in-depth as an undergrad. Over and over again I heard the stirring words, “Silence=Death”, “Never Again”, and the words of Edmund Burke,” The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” And the words of Hillel from which the name of this blog is taken: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, who am I? And if not now, when?”

    So, the recent debacle of a presidential election and the ensuing presidency of Trump made me become even more committed to action. It was MY generation that brought the country to this point and MY generation that elected this man. I feel a deep sense of shame and responsibilty. Though I did not vote for him, nonetheless he was elected. Thankfully, millennials now outnumber boomers. But I firmly believe that that those of us who are older need to strive to all that we can to help those who will inherit the chaotic disarranged morass that this country has become.

    On a personal, individual, and local level, another quote keeps coming to mind. It is one from Gandhi: “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” I do not believe that I can change the world, nor do I have the hubris to wish to do such a vast undertaking. What I CAN do, however, is by my example and actions try to make the community in which I dwell a better place. My openness about who I am and what I espouse has been a carefully calculated campaign to let people here see someone is not of their tribe, who is all the things they hear demonized on Fox and other places, who yet is also a kind and compassionate person. I want them to think when they hear heinous  words about atheists, Jews, LGBTQ folk, or progressives, “They’re talking about Kel,” a person who helps people with their groceries, pays their transit fare, inquires about them and their familes and not some anonymous stranger. I hope that by giving them a face to put on all of these things it will make it harder for them to give accedence to hate.

    In addition, I have the capability and will to fight against the wrongs I encounter. I can and will go after the creep of religion that is discriminatory against anyone who is not a (conservative) Christian here and that violates the 1st Amendment. I will make regular frequent calls to my Congress Representative and Senators on behalf of heathcare, immigrants, the LGBTQ community, the influence of big money in politics. I will sign petitions and disseminate pertinent information on social media. I will continue to push back against actual “fake news” and push for evidence-based journalism, science and policies. And most importantly I will show up as a citizen and witness-participant at local organizations and events that foster these same things. I VOTE!

    These things may indeed make it more difficult for me as an individual. Certainly in the short term during the reign of 45 and perhaps even long-term. I’ve encountered opprobrium and invective, more so after the election. But despite that, I hope that my actions will make it easier for others in the future. I fight so that my community will be better. I fight b/c I have faith in the ability of humans to change. I fight b/c it is the right thing to do.

    Thanks to all who read this. I close with a song that I’ve been listening to more and more often.

  • Finding No Comfort At A Christian Candlelight Vigil

    Finding No Comfort At A Christian Candlelight Vigil

    This week has left me saddened and dispairing over my encounters with the Christian community in my small town. Here is what I’ve encountered here in the Bible Belt:

    First earlier in the week after the Charlottesville protest, I was speaking to a friend on transit. This person is somewhat elderly and has a devopmental disability. She was frightened and concerned that the violence she had witnessed might come to our small town. I was reassuring her that she was safe and that I believed she need not fear. She patted my hand and thanked me, saying “God bless you.” The transit driver then interjected into the conversation to inform her that I did not believe in god and that I was laughing at her words. All I had said in response to her was a simple “Thank you.” I would never hurt her by ridiculing her beliefs, nor would I try to distress her. She was alarmed already and his words just added to her fear. I attempted to assuage her concern and not inflame the situation. All I said to the driver was to remind him that the First Amendment also applies to atheists, after she had departed from the bus. He then said that it only applies to people who believed in god and that I should be deported (because I’m atheist).  This was said in all seriousness.

    The more I thought about this encounter, the more disturbing I found it. First, that he should use another person’s distress to target me seemed extremely callous. This passenger should not have been subject to more reason for confusion. She was already anxious and upset. She did not need to be brought into his dislike of my atheism. That is extremely uncalled for and beyond the pale. Second, he showed me that I have misread his character. He is a self-proclaimed “good Christian” and conservative Trump supporter. We have engaged in what I thought was good-natured banter in the past. But, while I am known to be a progressive activist, I have never crossed the line into attacking someone personally for his/her/xir beliefs. I firmly believe that the rights of everyone to have their own political and religious beliefs should be respected and that diversity is something to be valued.I don’t expect everyone to agree with me on politics, religion, sexuality, or any other subject. Indeed, I TRY to seek out and engage others with opposing views, not to  change their minds by debate but to find out how others think and feel. I don’t want to live in my own little bubble. At the same time, though, I do let them know who I am and what I espouse. But I also accompany this by kind actions and compassion.

    So, feeling shaken already by yet another disconcerting brush with Christianity here in the South, I attended a candlelight vigil last night. It had been advertised on FB and was held at a local church. I had not realised that this was to be religious (Christian) service, as the church where it was held had been the site for other nonreligious activites I had previously attended and it was not mentioned in the advert. But I resolved to stay, enjoy the beautiful hymns, and find some peace and comfort with others.  I also wanted to hear that  local Christians were other than my recent experiences would allow and not represented by those who would attack and exclude others.

    This is what I heard. I say this with the hope that despite my attempt to be there as a fellow human being and seeker of peace that I misconstrued the message. There were four pastors officiating, each representing a different church and leading a different segment of the service. The first gave a rather standard talk on peace, using the familiar word of Francis of Assisi. The second, an African preacher, was much more inspiring, using  fire and eloquence. I felt hopeful. THEN came the third pastor on the topic of love. He spoke of how Christians are supposed to love EACH OTHER and not criticize other Christians. I waited  to hear his expansion of this into how Christians were to treat ALL people. But that message never arrived. Instead, he reiterated several more times that Christians were one body and were to love their CHRISTIAN neighbors and treat them well. He was conspicuous (to me, at least, as the non-Christian there) by his deafening silence on how Christians are to treat those of other faiths or of no faith at all. Then came the fourth pastor who talked about justice. After a rather vague account of Judas’ betrayal of Jesus, which seemed to have little connection with his theme of justice (perhaps I’m just obtuse), he went on to say that Jesus-and his father also by extension-loves CHRISTIANS and made it abundantly clear that he loves them above we lesser beings who don’t believe. As per the previous pastor, he said this three times, using different passages from the Christian New Testament. And again, no mention at all that presumably god also loves those who are other then Christian.

    I left the service feeling  alone , beleaguered, and saddened. I had hoped to hear a message of comfort and hope for all humans. Instead I came away with the understanding that the attacks I had experienced at the hand of “good” Christians were part and parcel of the culture of this region. I really don’t like to believe this but am slowly coming to think that those whom I DO know to embody the best teachings of Christianity in their words and deeds, who are compassionate, kind, and loving towards ALL, are anomalous. To freely aid a stranger, comfort the lonely, and help anyone in need…well, here at least, these words only seem to apply to other Christians.

    I don’t think I’ll be converting.

     

     

  • The Glorious Lost Cause: Not Glorious, Just LOST

    The Glorious Lost Cause: Not Glorious, Just LOST

    This is my second blog post on this topic. But I feel it needs to be addressed again and again, LOUDLY, as by as many people as possible. The Glorious Lost Cause needs to be dismantled. The Civil War was NOT glorious, and the South LOST. It was not a war over “states’ rights” but a war stage-managed by the slave owners to protect their right to own and use human-beings as chattel. It was a class and culture war, true. Many of the poor whites, i.e. those not coming directly from plantation families, were fighting on behalf of an ideal that benefitted them little. Fake news was indeed in play during this time, largely spread to inveigle those same poor whites into fighting this war. “States’ Rights”, “The War Of Northern Agression”,  and “the happy slave” were just some of the terms used at the time to cajol people into fighting. But slave-owners in truth placed poor whites on much the same socio-economic place as their African American slaves and saw them as only a little above the beasts they claimed their slaves to be. Cannon fodder, indeed!

    So to all those who decry the recent taking down of Confederate statues and fly the battle flags of the Confederacy, I suggest you do some reading of history before you go proudly embracing the white supremacy of the Neo-Confederates. Find out who your ancestors were and look into their past. Get a DNA test done (gotta have prof of that white blood, right?) I would recommend Nancy Isenberg’s book White Trash: The 400-Year Untold History Of Class In America. After that wake-up call, then read Michael Eric’s Dyson’s Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon To White America.

    To my Anglo-Saxon aquaintances here in Abingdon who love their Confederate Soldier  statue and Confederate Dead section of the cemetary: should you wish to be proud of relics of a war fought not for you nor for your ancestors, go right ahead. But the time has come for these NOT to be in the public eye. The South lost a war it fought for a intolerable ideal. These reminders which glorify that heritage need to be removed and either  publicly destroyed (my hope) or placed into private venues. Like it or not-and I know many of you don’t- the South alongside the rest of America is now multicultural and multiracial. We need to embrace that reality, not cling to some mythical past.

  • Hope And Despair As A Trans Person

    Hope And Despair As A Trans Person

    Over the past week, I’ve been visited by outrage over the continuing rollback of LGBTQ rights by Trump (#notmypresident) & Co. There were Trump’s obnoxious and factually incorrect tweets about not allowing trans people to serve in military, though the armed forces are not yet reversing their policies. The Justice Department headed by Sessions is arguing that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 does not cover discrimination based on sexual orientation. And in a further slap in the face to us Trump appointed Sam Brownback, known for his vociferous anti-LGBTQ views, as his religious ambassador. (In case you’re wondering, the religion that Brownback is representing is Christianity. Like we really need that. Snort.) Texas joins NC in stating that trans individuals who are government employees or attending public school must use the bathroom which corresponds to the gender stated on their birth certificate. (So should you be visiting Texas, make sure you have both proof of citizenship and your birth certificate on hand!)

    BUT…I found a glimmer of hope in a very unexpected place: An acquaintance of mine who is a confirmed Trump supporter evinced great disgust at the administration’s positions on LGBTQ rights and Trump’s anti-trans tweets in particular. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he told me this! Of everyone I know, I would have never considered that HE would prove an ally! He said that the violence against LGBTQ individuals that he reads about makes him sick and that we should have the same rights and protections as everyone else. Wow. This coming from a member of Trump’s base is extremely heartening.

    I am probably the only queer trans person he knows. But I have been very outspoken about being queer and trans (and progressive and atheist) as part of my one-person consciousness-raising program. One of my doctors told me that he has fears for my safety b/c of this, in fact. Perhaps it’s actually having an effect? I do this b/c I want the people I know to have a face when they hear about LGBTQ issues. That makes it much harder for them to demonize us, imho. If someone they know and like is queer, then perhaps they’ll think twice before endorsing heinous policies regarding us. They’ll remember that these do not only affect nameless strangers but are meant for someone who has helped them with their groceries, paid their  bus fare, inquired about their health, etc. So being visible is important to me. The more people see that we are their neighbors, friends, and family members, the more they will realize that we are people and citizens not unlike themselves. This is what I hope.

  • So Transparent-NOT

    So Transparent-NOT

    I have to write about Donald Trump, Jr. The whole debacle is further proof that Trump (#notmypresident) and his family seem to be TRYING to provide fodder for bloggers, late-night comedians, and all those who deem this admin a joke. He has changed his story 5 times. As details come to light, he looks more and more guilty, not to mention stupid AF. I’ve watched Junior come up with excuse after excuse. Trump’s admin keeps trying to spin this. The main story seems to be “He didn’t actually get any damaging info, so this doesn’t count.” EXCUSE ME??? That is NOT the point. The point is: You and others in the Trump campaign knowingly and eagerly met with RUSSIANS to get damaging info on HRC. Merrian-Webster has changed the spelling of “collusion” to “JUNIOR” because of you! This is like saying: “Yes, officer, I DID break into that house and steal items. But no crime was committed b/c they weren’t worth much!” Your INTENT was to collude with a foreign government to win the major election in the United States. Whether or not you succeeded (in this meeting, at least) is irrelevant.

    Kushner, also present at this meeting, has amended his security clearance 3 times. He keeps forgetting meeting with foreign offials, i.e. Russians. Sessions also has neglected to list HIS contacts with Russian officials. With Russia being a main topic before, during, and after Trump’s election, how the fuck do you forget something like this? Were I a Trump official, I would even be putting down, “I watched Boris Badenov as a youngster!” But, nooooo. These people seem to have a collective and selective amnesia, which filters out meetings with foreign ambassadors, government representatives, and anyone else who might prove problematic. As the Church Lady would say, “Well, isn’t that convenient?!!”