Hallway to Nowhere

  • Really Trying Here-Another Blog About Depression

    This is another entry that won’t get posted to social media. My birthday is coming up on the 15th. I’ll be 58. Big whoop. I’m not doing anything to celebrate, other than not killing myself. (Little morbid humor here.) I’m giving a few presents to friends, since that’s a thing started in my family. On your birthday, you give stuff to significant others to say “thank you”.  People think it’s weird. I don’t care. On FB for my birthday donation org, I requested people donate to the National Suicide Hotline. Fitting, no? I’ve not called during this bout…yet. I’m saving that for my last desperate moments.

    So what am I doing now? I tried to resign my position with VA ORG. I was told by the powers that be that they decided to ignore that decision. I informed them that I might show up at meetings now wearing a shirt that bears the words NO RESPECT. Lol. I had an LTE get published. I’ve had meetings out the wazoo. I had to go INTO the library to work, as opposed to working from home. I’ve had 2 friends over to eat, thereby violating my “no millennials” rule I had established a while back.  I even went out for a drink. So I’ve been active.

    And the entire time I’ve been actively depressed, desperately so. As in on the verge. I’ve found a home for Miss P, should I cease to exist. I’ve given dishes away. I’ve thought about who should get my teaware. I’ve thought about how I would pack everything I own in neat boxes to given to the appropriate organization, if I decided to kill myself. I don’t own much. It would not take long. I could do it in one day. I’ve thought about this.

    I’ve been telling people I’m struggling. This really shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me. I’m not quite there yet. But the drumbeats  are getting louder….

    Really Trying Here-Another Blog About Depression

  • Why Appalachia Needs Immigrants

    The following is a repost of a LTE I had published recently in the Bristol Herald Courier. I could have made a much more nuanced argument but for brevity’s sake decided to K-I-S-S.

    The other day I overheard a person (white older male) comment that that he was tired of seeing all these immigrants coming in and stealing jobs away from good, hard-working Americans and he esp. didn’t want any of them around HERE! I felt compelled then to answer him in this letter. Sir, have you noticed that the population of SWVA is shrinking? We are losing folks, not gaining them. The young people are leaving, by and large, and it is the habit of old people to die. That alone would seem a rather good reason to be welcoming immigrants, not discouraging them. And, let me say, they are indeed NOT taking jobs away from hard-working Americans. Have you seen any immigrants lazing around the streets or just hanging out at a coffee shop? I’d hazard a guess not. Chances are the immigrants you HAVE seen have most likely been working harder than many Americans would at the jobs they have and doing them very efficiently while learning a new language, to boot. Think about that the next time you talk about stealing jobs. And have you SEEN all the “help wanted” signs out? Americans aren’t lining up for these jobs. Finally, and I can’t believe I’m having to say this, WE ARE ALL IMMIGRANTS, indigenous inhabitants excepted (and they too originally walked from somewhere else). It’s just a matter of when did we get here? The United States was founded by immigrants; it has traditionally welcomed immigrants; and that has long been a source of pride and strength for this nation. It can be for APPALACHIA, too. If we let it.

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  • Close Encounters Of The Creepy Kind

    Yesterday I had an up-close and personal encounter that was beyond creepy. It was with two Melaleuca devotees, the company, not tea tree products in general. This was my second brush with this particular scam, and it confirmed my general STRONG feeling that these folks are just icky, as well as as determined to part you from your money. Here’s what went down:

    I had found a flyer at the library for an outfit called The Company Store claiming to sell organic cleaning products and offering free samples. I was curious and called the number for the rep but also instructed them NOT to return my call if they represented a MLM. I had MELALEUCA as a company in mind specifically, since I had had an unpleasant brush with them early in the 90s and did not care to repeat it. I got a return phone call, and the woman assured me she did NOT represent a MLM, she said she was local, and would like to meet with me to show me what she could offer. I said that I was looking for a way to cut down on my use of plastics in my cleaning products, wanted a plant-based cleaning system, and had to  be extremely cautious about switching from my current products (METHOD).  We agreed to meet at the library.

    I’m at the library, and a couple shows up. Right away I get an odd vibe from them. It’s a HOT day, yet the man is wearing a long-sleeved shirt completely buttoned up. But, okay, whatever. The woman is dressed in standard Walmart. So they proceed to tell me THEY REPRESENT MELALEUCA!!! I audibly groan and inform them that I’ve already been through one go-round with Melaleuca,and didn’t I ask you NOT to return my call if you represented a MLM? Oh, it’s not a MLM, they assure me. (They obviously think I’m stupid here.) Then the dude proceeds to pull out a bottle of Melaleuca Tea Tree Oil and tell me WHAT IT IS. (Hello, I’ve already told you I know what Melaleuca IS???) Then they go into their spiel and give me the hard sell, which I have explained to them was PRECISELY what drove me away the FIRST time, aside from the poor products, the point system, and the fact that the whole thing is a fucking scam. They explained that “all you need to spend per month to remain a member is 80.00!” Well, geez, 80.00 on products that aren’t what they claim to be (organic), don’t work, and cost a heck of a lot more than my products that DO work? SIGN ME UP, JACK!!! NOT! These folks just didn’t hear me….

    And here is where the creepiness REALLY amps up: religion was just oozing all over this meeting. This was a Saturday, right? Well, these folks were on their way to CHURCH afterwards. And that’s fine. Good for them. BUT…they had taken note of my name. At the end of the meeting they asked if I were Jewish. I said yes. The guy pulled out a TALLIS and said that his pastor is teaching his weird Jews-for Jesus-type church Hebrew (but  pretty sure  that they have no actual Jews, just Christians doing their own Jew-ish-oid thing).  He then invited me to attend. Ummm, that would a firm “no, thank you.”  I had an encounter with a similar maybe even the same group years before when I lived here. My chiropractor violated HIPAA,  disclosed my deets to this little merry band of whatevs, and they hounded me: phone calls; flyers; even showed up at my residence.  But now I know attorneys….a fair amount of attorneys, and I’m not afraid to call upon them. I will find out what I can do to legally restrain your harassment this time, church or not. Ugh. I DO NOT NEED THIS.

    Throughout all of this I was very polite to these people. I was never disdainful or rude, even when they went into their Hebrew Christian speech (and that sort of thing REALLY pisses me off.) I just gave a nod and said something neutral.  But these folks prey on people, IMO. People who might not realize that they are getting into a MLM with substandard products that WILL pressure you to BUY products you might not be able to afford AND to recruit other people into their little pyramid scheme.  If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck,  looks a duck,  and tests genetically as a duck, I’m sorry, IT’S A FUCKING DUCK. Don’t lie to my face and tell me, “It’s not a duck (MLM)!”

  • Standing On The Edge Of A Cliff

    This entry won’t get posted to any of my other social media. I’ve learned that no-one wants to hear about depression. I don’t blame them. People have their own IRL problems-illness, family things, plumbing, what have you, that they are dealing with. So I’m just going to keep it here. If someone reads it, fine. IF not, that’s cool too. I’m writing b/c I have no fucking mental health care any longer and this is now my outlet.

    I am dealing with major depression. Whaleshit depression, we used to call it back on a site I used to frequent that is no longer extant. That’s the worst kind, when you are in the darkest depths of depression. You aren’t suicidal, b/c that takes TOO MUCH ENERGY. I mean, yeah, it would be NICE IF IT HAPPENED, but I ain’t gonna do anything about it at this point. I can hardly do ADLS right now. Besides, I have the lovely Miss P, who does depend on me. She is currently my tether to this world. (A big burden to place upon a 26 pound whippet, I know.) But if something were to happen to her, I would be MUCH more motivated to finally jump. I’m just SO tired of this.

    What has triggered this latest round? Well, aside from usual odd seasonal SAD-related depression that comes on with springtime and the lengthening days (yep-you read that correctly), I’ve had some erstwhile friends do unfortunate acts that have triggered reverberations. Through a series of mishaps involving cracked ribs on my part and me being out of touch for a bit, I evidently offended one and then the other, so that now both are no longer friends with me. Neither would accept my apology or believe this had been anything other than intentional. At least that’s what I THINK occurred. They both ghosted me at the same time, won’t talk to me, so I’m left to conjecture. But this has been very hurtful for me. And I have to encounter one of these dudes on a regular basis at the FM twice a week. Goodness knows what he’s said to other folks about me. Luckily, I’ve been here a LOT longer than HE has. But this has me re-thinking my whole “make new friends” policy. Ugh.

    In case anyone is thinking of telling me I need to talk to someone, I know. I’VE TRIED TO FIND MENTAL HEALTH HELP. My doc, who is truly a wonder among physicians, has been trying for several years to find me help. But the problem is: I don’t have Medicaid. OR great private insurance or resources. All I have is Medicare and a very limited income. Which effectively cuts me out being  of able to -FIND PDoc; GET to Pdoc, if s/he’s out of town (don’t drive due to seizures); FIND therapist; AFFORD therapist, even if I could find one.

    I don’t want to talk to someone who is waaay younger than I am. IF I’ve had more therapy in my lifetime than you’ve been alive (and could probably teach you a thing or two), then really, what’s the point? No offense to millennials or GenZ folk intended here. I just want to talk to someone who’s been around the block. Of course, this narrows an already small field. Fuck. Who am I kidding? There IS no field. I’ve knocked my head against brick walls in this place til it’s bloody. There comes a point where you say, “Enough.” And just give up. That’s what this blog represents. This is me giving  up seeking help. I’m not trying anymore. I see that, given my (lack of) resources, I do not GET TO HAVE MENTAL HEALTH CARE HERE.  So thank you, insurance company (United Health Care) for making it a fucking “specialist” visit EVERY single time I want to see a therapist. (I tried to appeal this. HAH! Do they not understand how mental health care WORKS???) Thank you, mass transit, for not making transit available for those who need to go to docs outside of this town. (Hello, ADA?) And finally, not being sarcastic here, thank you everyone who HAS tried to help. I appreciate it more than you know.

    Standing On The Edge Of A Cliff

  • Cursing In Latin

    I was a Classics Major back in the day as an undergrad. When Cheeto Jesus got elected, I amused myself by hurling imprecations at him in Latin and Greek and the occasional Shakespearean reference for good measure. STILL didn’t manage to get banned from his Twitterfeed. A friend pointed out that I was totally batting over his head-the fool probably thought I was COMPLIMENTING him. Sigh. I miss having a literate POTUS.

    My favorite Latin curse: Te odeo. Interface te cochleare! (I hate you. Kill yourself with a spoon!) Appeals to my morbid sense of whimsy. My second fav: Initam te  coniutarati in foro interficiant! (May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!) My third fav (b/c it is so useful): Futue te ipsum! (Go fuck yourself!)

    So. The next time I’m out in public, on transit or at a WaCoDems meeting and you see me muttering to myself? I’m probably cursing someone out….in Latin. There are many more useful phrases that I’ve not listed here. Latin, though technically a dead language, turns out to be extremely useful for venting one’s ire. Who knew? (The ancient Romans!)

    Cursing In Latin

  • Falling Hard

    via Falling Hard

  • Falling Hard

    I’m 57, going to be 58 soon. I don’t bounce back like I did in  my 20s 0r 30s. Recently I had a REALLY bad fall, due to a seizure in the wee hours of the morning. Just in case you ever wondered, if you decide to fight with a sturdy barn table, the barn table is guaranteed to win. I ended up with a couple of cracked ribs and some weeks of hobbling around. And one of those “help I’ve fallen and can’t get up buttons” from my insurance company, b/c I live alone and my whippet doesn’t have the capacity to dial 911.  (My NEXT dog will, however, as I am going to go through the American Epilepsy Foundation and apply for a service animal-not an “emotional support dog-ugh”-a dog who is certified as a seizure dog and who has been though extensive training.)

    I’m going through a rough patch right now. I’m struggling with my old nemesis the black dog. Funny, I do better emotionally in the winter and fall. Spring starts to appear and depression rears it ugly head with me. All the coming sunshine just makes me want to cry. Been that way ever since I was a kid, even back in Mississippi. Dad used to tease me about it, then he gave me a boat so I could get away by myself.

    Everyone I know is having a time right now, though. I’ve had two friends die in the past winter. A friend lost her father. Three other friends, my own age, have been diagnosed with life-changing diagnoses. I know others who are emigrating or are considering such. And I’ve friends just vanish from my life for no reason I can discern. I’m learning again to tread lightly with (new) people. Unfortunately, my prevailing sense is that, by and large, folks are just not to be depended upon these days. ALWAYS have a back-up plan and a book in your bag.

  • Unsteadiness

    I have a sense of …unsteadiness these days, regarding the world around me in all sorts of ways. Physically, in that I’m getting older and more easily apt to fall or be knocked down by some mishap; politically, for sure, as I live in the Commonwealth of Virginia where I’ve seen a three-ring circus starring our top three elected officials lately (and may I say, Mark Herring in particular broke my heart); but what I especially want to address is INTERPERSONAL transience.  I’m not talking about the change that occurs when a loved one moves, falls ill, or even dies; these are life-events that are normal in the course of a friendship and something that I take into account. What I am referring to is relationship instability and unreliability.

    Two examples: I had a friend (NOT a millennial) who was supposed to pick me up from the grocery.  He had sent me a text offering to do so. I replied saying I would take him up on his offer and told him I was waiting outside the grocery. I waited and waited AND WAITED. He didn’t show. Finally, luckily some other friends came along to offer me a ride, otherwise I would had to wait another hour, b/c I had missed transit. He never replied to a text I sent telling him I was going home. I’m unsure now if he’s getting my texts or what, and calling is no good historically with this particular person. But okay, whatever. Maybe he had an emergency or we had a failure to communicate somehow.  But I’m left with having to process this. Ugh. Today I sent him a text asking what he was doing for lunch. No answer again.

    I had a friend tell me yesterday that SHE had a good long-term friend IRL just drop her and not tell her why. She said she has no idea WHY the friend did this-they had had no argument, fight, disagreement or anything resembling anything that should cause such a move. I told her that I think it most likely had nothing to do with HER. But something these days is causing people to lose their ability to make friends, keep friends, or just to plain BE friends. The simple things that I was taught:   Communicate (listen; talk); show up when you say you will; let someone know if you CAN’T; keep in touch (preferably via some human method) regularly; BE THERE…..I just don’t think people can do these  that much anymore. They’re either forgetting how, if they were taught (like people of my gen-and I gotta say, I’m picking up some BAD HABITS from some of my younger friends) or they’ve never learned in the first place. It’s like DEEP READING…it’s something I try to keep doing and sadly fear I fail to do very well any more.

    So, for those of you out there reading this. I hope YOU are faring better than I these days! Maybe if you have a family or a partner, you are not experiencing such a sense of precariousness and impermanence. And I’m not saying that most of my friends have exhibited such behavior. But I’m saying that in general  people are less reliable than PUBLIC TRANSIT……and that’s a sad commentary on the state of affairs.

  • Religious Holidays/Non-religious Folx

    This was written over the Xmas season on another site. By me.

    It’s Xmas season. Everywhere you turn, you are besieged with messages wishing you “Merry Xmas!” B/c as our POTUS has said, MERRY XMAS is now BACK…with a vengeance! But, as more and more folx ID as atheist, agnostic, non-religious, or even just some other religion other  than Xian, where does than leave US? We grin and bear it, give our  Xian friends appropriate gifts, try to enjoy the good things about the season….but

    Really. I find this all very difficult. After a while, the red and green everywhere, the tinsel and the unending Xmas carols become maddening. I dislike Xmas even more than pumpkin spice lattes…and I HATE those with a passion. I find myself on the verge of informing random strangers that Jesus was most likely born in the spring (if he existed at all, which I doubt).  OR maybe the autumn or the summer. We don’t REALLY know. The whole Dec. 25th thing was set by the R. C. Church back in the day to co-opt Saturnalia. And Bethlehem? Another guess. Wise men? Total fabrication.

    But I don’t do this. I attend parties and even church services with good grace. I wish everyone MERRY XMAS. I sing along. But inside I’m madly plotting to blow up the whole Xmas thing….even though I know it will tick on year after dreary year after year. Rant over.

     

     

  • Christianity And Girl Scout Cookies

    Recently the death of John Chau has been in the news. He is the foolish individual who ventured onto the North Sentinel Island in the Andaman Sea in a misguided attempt to convert the people living there to Christianity. He was killed. We do not know why-perhaps for his fashion choice: he was wearing only a pair of black underwear at the time of his approach, as he thought this would make him seem less threatening. Perhaps b/c he came bearing the gift of religion, and these folks had read Christopher Hitchens. Or perhaps because he was inordinately blinded and/or arrogant enough in his Western mentality to ignore the danger and think HE could be the savior who brings JESUS to these people.

    Ok, look. These islanders had BIG “NO TRESPASSING” signs up.  They were pretty much  “NOT EVEN GIRL SCOUTS SELLING COOKIES!!!” There was a backstory here: in 1880, a British Naval officer kidnapped several tribal members and took them to nearby Port Blair, home to a large prison. The islanders since then no longer traded or communicated with the other islands in the island chain and indeed have resisted contact for as long as there have been written records.

    So what does our bright Christian Girl Scout do? He thinks, “Hmmm, these people REALLY need cookies! I’m going to make sure they get them!” So off he traipses against best advice to this island. Once he gets there, he encounters the BIG SIGNS. But does he care? Nope! He’s got COOKIES!!! And the islanders, to give them their due, didn’t kill him straight away. They gave him warning shots and attempted to get him to leave. But, no. He had his COOKIES to sell!!! The rest, well….it’s been written up in article after article.

    Christians don’t appear to be sorry about this . Is there a sense that this is wrong? (Answer: Of course not.) Here are some quotes:  “I don’t question his motivation. I question his methods,” said Richard Albert Mohler, Jr., then the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky.  “He Had a higher calling that he was following. I don’t have any regrets.”-John Ramsey, best friend from college.  And finally, I will let John Chau speak: “Remember, the first one to heaven wins.” Guess he got his (death)wish.  Hope you get to enjoy your cookies now, John!

    Source for quotes: WaPo article: John Chau Aced Missionary Bootcamp.