grief makes it falter
forgetting of loss again and again
until this fact settles hard like a stone
in the the crevice of the body
love continues its passage now subterranean
the tumble and flow turning even sharp sadness
into worn river rock polished by time
yet still sometimes in the night
I feel her warm by my side and know
each moment with her was enough
eternity itself would not have sufficed
an ordinary walk on an ordinary day
and then
the road rumbles from unseen force
the sky darkens with sodden clouds
the corvids mutter with ominous intent
any step seems to offer momentous risk
I could fear could be afraid could choose fright
instead I laugh at all of this continue on my way
let unkindness and murder remain with the crows
weighty drama in the realm of changing weather
these do not inform nor enforce my path
these temporary signs are not my directions
I hand you a diamond
hard cold polished clear faceted
a jewel beyond price
I hand you a heart
soft warm worn pink chambered
itself also beyond price
and with these a key that opens a door
where you find everything
with which you’ve filled your mind these years
would you then be happy
be at peace be able to rest in comfort and ease
no month crueler than any other
nor day nor year nor passing life
suffering not measured by tablespoons
not placed upon a balance scale
what joy weighs against what sorrow
when they look so much alike
a tear falls into your hand without warning
you do not know its source
wetness revealing neither happiness nor grief
you can only stare into the sky
stories layered upon stories
words swirling like dust in a storm
narratives constantly shifting
no self that controls
no point to be gotten
no center to be held
eventually the mad twirl settles
there once again is the clear light
morning sun and luminous sky
November turns the fields to cold mud
corvids usually pick through the wet grass
their eyes sharp enough to cut
their cries so raucous as to wake the dead
today no unkindnesses nor murders are to be found in the yard
and the gray of clouds has seeped into our dreams
sending us to do desperate things for color
paint a picture of our wildest hopes
dance down the street to strut and wail and beat
amidst the chaos we needs gather more than ever
find our people, set a table, join hands together
give thanks to farmers, now let us eat
if the body remembers, then mine holds close
stories of how to die and return
to return and die again and again
such were my first three months and beyond
thus it has remained
currently I have fever cough pain
three months now off and on again and again
no comforting touch nor sheltering box
only finally the knowledge that I am not unique
that everyone is always in a transitional state
I wrap this understanding around me
a calming weight to ease my intemperate mind
and rest
first layer, feeling
physical here-and-nowness
constriction of breath
in and out movement
each a different nuance of pain
second layer, noting
it is like this and this and this
labels drop away
dissolving into flow
inhalation and exhalation
third layer, resting
awareness sees itself
elsewhere a spider takes a step
and the world trembles
as you move through your life
may you always look for these
sparkles to catch your eye
lights to make your feet dance
ideas that you can tear apart
to reconfigure in interesting ways
stick all these things inside your heart
a kaleidoscope of hopes and dreams
let this play across the world
bright with love given and love received
and never ever fear to be exactly who you are
(for Dottie)
a small child learning to walk on the sand
useful lesson for balance and to learn
early how to step on ever-shifting ground
in the persistence of imaginative love
whenever I became unstable
she reached for me and held my hand
so that I did not fall
who went beside to steady my gait
it was not her never her someone else always
