Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: depression

  • Solace In Desuetude (Poem)

    I walk on crumbling pavement in derelict streets

    To gaze upon abandoned buildings with boarded doors

    And dusty signs that advertise sorrow for closure.

    I travel to the overgrown fields

    To visit wakes of vultures with avid mien

    And clamorous geese that fly overhead to nowhere.

    The lowering skies and threatening clouds provide refuge

    For a journeyer such as I, hooded in gray and solitary.

    When all ground is unsteady and every kindness a threat,

    I take comfort in the evidence of decay.

    With knowledge of such dark glory, can misery abide?

  • The Train (Poem)

    A graffitied train thunders past.

    I cling to the top of a car.

    In the rush of the air amidst the noise,

    I hear footsteps and look over my shoulder.

    Darkness grins with evil mien,

    While wicked laughter falls all about.

    With a sigh, I open my eyes

    And continue my walk beside the tracks.

    Escape. No escape.

  • Precarious Ground (Poem)

    Right now I walk so uncertainly

    With little knowledge of what will cause me to fall.

    I can talk to a stranger with ease

    But then a smile makes me flee to cry in shadows.

    How to navigate this mercurial terrain baffles me.

    The world shifts without warning,

    While so also does my ability to adapt.

    I had the illusory notion I could cope well.

    This has fled, as I struggle once more.

    How do I give thanks for this reminder of impermanence,

    When I feel thrown back into depression’s embrace?

    Surely some of my study and practice will stay

    To provide a steadying influence while I falter through my day.

  • Cry Sorrow, Sorrow, Yet Let Good Prevail (Poem)

    I do not fear the monsters of this world.

    I have long familiarity with these.

    Depression, anxiety, and their coterie

    Have almost been my family.

    I dwell in comfort with such dark beasts.

    What has the ability to undo me entirely are the beings of light:

    Kindness, consideration, and their kin.

    The afflictive malfeasants offer predictable torment

    That at times seems almost a shelter.

    I can hide with them from myself and the world.

    Venturing into lambency that flickers with uncertainty

    I find an often frightening task.

    To see others is one thing;

    To be seen in turn unsettles me in the extreme.

    Still I take up this challenge,

    With the words of Aeschylus giving me strength.

    And the company of monsters ever at hand.

  • Where I Am (Poem)

    If I truly wish for all beings to be happy and free from suffering,

    I must apply this also to myself.

    At the moment, with my physical being wracked by pain

    And my mind clouded by bleak depression,

    I find this to be a difficult task.

    Equanimity towards my own state is a struggle.

    Occasionally I relax into spaciousness and acceptance.

    But old patterns return again and again

    To obscure my view and murk the light.

    Sometimes I can see that these are illusion and let them go;

    Other times I grasp them tightly as old familiar friends.

    Indeed, they once were ropes that tethered me in safety.

    So rather than judging them (and myself for holding on to such),

    Let me honor their place, grant them gratitude,

    And treat them gently with kindness.

    I walk the path I do in knowledge that it looks the same

    But, like everything, is always changing.

    I still stumble and even fall. The rocks that bruise me

    Appear like the stones from yesterday and before, even unto the distant past.

    Yet when I pause to see, after the pain of impact, they are not.

    I take hold again of my stick, pull myself up, and even take in

    The glorious colors of the trees and sky and listen to the wind.

    I walk on with my usual unsteady gait until the next halt.

    This is where I am.

  • Depression

    <Warning: Deals with potentially disturbing topics of depression, and suicidality.>

    I live with depression. It seems to be an inescapable part of my make-up, as I’ve ALWAYS had melancholy tinging my world a strong grey. And this is not the mild dysthymia gloominess, though that is unpleasant enough, and not something I would wish to downplay. This is the type that brings acute psychic pain, for reasons I still do not know, that meditation has not been able to allay nor medication nor any other treatment. And trust me, I have tried the gamut, up to and including ECT. And yet I’m. Holding on to the edge. Barely.

    I had a fairly decent year during the pandemic lockdown. For me. Probably because I felt as though the entire world was now catching up to the way I NORMALLY live: chronically ill; catching any and every virus-C-19, too- that came down the pike; and discovering the ways to experience the great indoors. Welcome to my world. I hardly had to people at all, except for Zoom, which I admit I find rather excruciating. Except for my Buddhist summits, as those were for the most part all watch on demand and not conversational.

    But then we went sorta back to IRL. Peopling increased. People I know died. My post-viral fatigue, asthma, and other results from this past year continue to cause problems. Seriously, if you can avoid catching or giving someone else C-19, please do so. Wear masks, socially distance, get vaccinated. Whatever you can. I read that it (the vaccine) helps with mental health also. THAT side effect obviously failed to happen with me. Too bad.

    So. Back again to feeling like I’m walking around without a skin. That hurts-a LOT. I’m trying to avoid everything at the moment, but weird things happen to just make life incredibly worse. Like, yesterday I had a really nasty encounter on what I had thought was my safe haven: a Scrabble site! All I did, as far as I can tell, was inadvertently play a player whose skill level was far above mine. I thought that I performed fairly well but at the end of the game game the player sent me a very nasty message. (I did not respond in kind, mind you. Just ensured the player was on my no-play list so we wouldn’t encounter each other again.) But why try to egregiously hurt another player? It’s just Scrabble. But I realize that I’m especially vulnerable right now. So instead of being to brush this off and go on, it resonates. I feel bothered instead of “oh, well, just another rando acting poorly.”

    Accompanying the depression is its evil brother, suicidality. I had a suicide in my life in the last 6 months, not the first I’ve experienced. I tried myself as a child. This is a longtime familiar. My tether to this world is still my beloved companion, Miss P. A big burden to place on a 28 pound whippet, I know. But when I brought her to live with me, I made a pact to love and care for her. And I take that responsibility as seriously as I do my life. In some of the meditations I do, we are instructed to focus on moments in life where we felt joy. For me those always center around her. As long as she is here, I’ll be here, if I have any say in it. Depression or no.

    I’m not meaning to say that life is unremitting bleakness. There are flashes of light. I watch a video by H.H. The Dalai Lama and find brief hope. I listen to Satie (or a friend sends me a score by Satie) and find brief inspiration. I’m able to connect people who need each other and find brief satisfaction. I write a poem and find brief creation. I share a new dish with a neighbor and find brief kinship. But are you noticing a repetition?

    I am keeping up with my studies and my meditation. I do my best to examine this life in terms of what I’ve learned: that these feelings, though acute and wrenching, are naught but feelings and thus temporary and will pass. To accept ALL of this, the depression, the suicidality, the various chronic illnesses, as being what is and not make them worse by wishing things were otherwise. Do what I can to mitigate them, yes, but also accept them. I’m trying. I’m tired. But so far, I’m also still here.

  • The Return (Poem)

    My grey-cloaked companion has returned,

    Their absence but a brief hiatus.

    They have brought the usual accoutrements:

    Worsening fatigue and malaise; a restless mind; heightened bodily aches;

    And, of course, emotional pain.

    I dared not think they would not be back

    At some point in time.

    But I had hoped to enjoy life a bit longer.

    Change is the nature of things, though,

    So I will endeavor to face this with equanimity

    And continue on my path.

  • Invisible Disabilities

    When you’ve lived with any sort of neuro or mental health diagnosis, you start to really question your perception of things and second, third, and fourth guess yourself. At least I do. I ask myself, “Am I seeing this clearly? How much is depression talking? Is this a medication reaction? Did I forget something important b/c of a seizure?” Life gets complicated. I have to remind myself that I DO have several disabilities that I cope with fairly well that others don’t see. They are invisible but nevertheless very real. But b/c maybe I do manage, I feel like I expect myself to function like I’m normal, i.e., don’t have these things, and thereby others act as if I am also.

    I’m not, okay? I’m not okay. I function WHILE depressed. I function WHILE having seizures. I function while having migraines. I function WHILE having occasional bouts of neuropathic pain that are excruciating. I function WHILE having Stage 1 Chronic Kidney Disease. I function while having debilitating fatigue of unknown origin. I function well sometimes. And sometimes I crash.

    So. I really want to do a better job here for myself. I want to continue to do my tasks, b/c I believe in the causes for which I’ve signed up. But I also need to realize that I need to ask for help when I can use it; space when I’m being crowded; time when I’m being pushed; and to know when I’ve reached my limits. This does not seem like an unreasonable agenda, but it is not an easy one when every day get filled so quickly. Sigh. Time to write another MEMO TO SELF and post it PROMINENTLY.

  • End Of The Day (Poem)

    There is no magic here.

    No-one will come to save you

    With a wave of their wand

    Or with fiery breath and beating wings.

    Not in this poem.

    You’ll have to save yourself,

    And however you do that is up to you.

    I write these days of desiccation and dearth,

    With arid phrase and acrid wit.

    Seek no comfort;

    I have none to offer.

    Other than: I am here.

    The road not taken…..

  • The Ledge (Poem)

    Trying to hold on.

    Unsure if I can.

    I’m on the precipice.

    I don’t know whether

    To look down

    (To see the void into which I’ll fall)

    Or behind me

    (To see if there is anything to steady me).

    For now I remain here in painful indecision

    Alone on this ledge.