Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: mental health

  • Invisible Disabilities

    When you’ve lived with any sort of neuro or mental health diagnosis, you start to really question your perception of things and second, third, and fourth guess yourself. At least I do. I ask myself, “Am I seeing this clearly? How much is depression talking? Is this a medication reaction? Did I forget something important b/c of a seizure?” Life gets complicated. I have to remind myself that I DO have several disabilities that I cope with fairly well that others don’t see. They are invisible but nevertheless very real. But b/c maybe I do manage, I feel like I expect myself to function like I’m normal, i.e., don’t have these things, and thereby others act as if I am also.

    I’m not, okay? I’m not okay. I function WHILE depressed. I function WHILE having seizures. I function while having migraines. I function WHILE having occasional bouts of neuropathic pain that are excruciating. I function WHILE having Stage 1 Chronic Kidney Disease. I function while having debilitating fatigue of unknown origin. I function well sometimes. And sometimes I crash.

    So. I really want to do a better job here for myself. I want to continue to do my tasks, b/c I believe in the causes for which I’ve signed up. But I also need to realize that I need to ask for help when I can use it; space when I’m being crowded; time when I’m being pushed; and to know when I’ve reached my limits. This does not seem like an unreasonable agenda, but it is not an easy one when every day get filled so quickly. Sigh. Time to write another MEMO TO SELF and post it PROMINENTLY.

  • Why I Won’t Change My Anti-Depressants

    Why I Won’t Change My Anti-Depressants

    I recently learned that I have microscopic colitis, specifically collagenous colitis. Upon doing some research into the subject, it seems that SSRIs and SNRIs might aggravate and possible even be a causative factor of this inflammatory bowel disease. Over the years I have taken SSRIs and SNRIs to help combat depression, with the SNRIs proving most effective, along with the atypical Remeron. Right now I’m on a relatively low dose of Cymbalta. I think it helps with my mood but wouldn’t be enough by itself to stop me from descending into the stygian depths. But it does double-duty, helping with the muscle and joint pains of fibromyalgia. And it does these things very effectively, with little side effects. To keep me stable and from severe depression, I rely upon Remeron, an atypical anti-depressant. This helps me sleep and provides the heavy duty lift that Cymbalta can’t. I ‘ve been on it for several years and keep my fingers crossed that it will continue to work, b/c it is THE “go-to” medication for severe and recalcitrant depression, which mine was. This regimen is my maintenance and my lifeline. I remember what life used to be before I found meds that worked, and it was literally a life not worth living. Every day I wanted to die. I would have killed myself, but that required more effort that I could muster, one, and two, I felt sure that I was so stupid I would bungle the job and be left in a state even worse than the one I was currently in. This was despite the efforts of excellent psychiatrists (back when psychiatrists still did therapy) and eventually even ECT. The ECT made me forget for a while, but the depression returned again and again. I was put on a stronger drug regimen, had hospitalizations, felt hopeless. Then something changed. Perhaps it was the right combination of meds, I don’t know. For the first time in my life, color appeared. Where the world had been only hues of gray, I started to notice small details, like red birds in the trees, the taste of food, and the love of my dog (actually a big thing). I got a new psychiatrist (old-school) who listened to me, knew her meds, and gradually helped me reduce the number of psych meds I was I was on. I saw a difference at work-I actually talked to my colleagues now, rather than going immediately into the stacks as had been my wont. I started being more social (on the internet) and going to the local farmers market, out to dinner, and attending fests and plays . In short, I gained a life.

    This is the reason why, even should my gastroenterologist tell conclusively that I need to discontinue the Cymbalta, that I would tell him no. I would rather deal with symptoms of a physical illness any day than return to the devastating effects of depression. I’m doing, to use the words of Peter D. Kramer, “ordinarily well” and am stable, functioning at a high degree (except for the colitis), and want to keep it that way. So no tinkering with my psych meds!

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Why I Won’t Change My Anti-Depressants

    Why I Won’t Change My Anti-Depressants

    I recently learned that I have microscopic colitis, specifically collagenous colitis. Upon doing some research into the subject, it seems that SSRIs and SNRIs might aggravate and possible even be a causative factor of this inflammatory bowel disease. Over the years I have taken SSRIs and SNRIs to help combat depression, with the SNRIs proving most effective, along with the atypical Remeron. Right now I’m on a relatively low dose of Cymbalta. I think it helps with my mood but wouldn’t be enough by itself to stop me from descending into the stygian depths. But it does double-duty, helping with the muscle and joint pains of fibromyalgia. And it does these things very effectively, with little side effects. To keep me stable and from severe depression, I rely upon Remeron, an atypical anti-depressant. This helps me sleep and provides the heavy duty lift that Cymbalta can’t. I ‘ve been on it for several years and keep my fingers crossed that it will continue to work, b/c it is THE “go-to” medication for severe and recalcitrant depression, which mine was. This regimen is my maintenance and my lifeline. I remember what life used to be before I found meds that worked, and it was literally a life not worth living. Every day I wanted to die. I would have killed myself, but that required more effort that I could muster, one, and two, I felt sure that I was so stupid I would bungle the job and be left in a state even worse than the one I was currently in. This was despite the efforts of excellent psychiatrists (back when psychiatrists still did therapy) and eventually even ECT. The ECT made me forget for a while, but the depression returned again and again. I was put on a stronger drug regimen, had hospitalizations, felt hopeless. Then something changed. Perhaps it was the right combination of meds, I don’t know. For the first time in my life, color appeared. Where the world had been only hues of gray, I started to notice small details, like red birds in the trees, the taste of food, and the love of my dog (actually a big thing). I got a new psychiatrist (old-school) who listened to me, knew her meds, and gradually helped me reduce the number of psych meds I was I was on. I saw a difference at work-I actually talked to my colleagues now, rather than going immediately into the stacks as had been my wont. I started being more social (on the internet) and going to the local farmers market, out to dinner, and attending fests and plays . In short, I gained a life.

    This is the reason why, even should my gastroenterologist tell conclusively that I need to discontinue the Cymbalta, that I would tell him no. I would rather deal with symptoms of a physical illness any day than return to the devastating effects of depression. I’m doing, to use the words of Peter D. Kramer, “ordinarily well” and am stable, functioning at a high degree (except for the colitis), and want to keep it that way. So no tinkering with my psych meds!

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Ordinarily Well: The Case For Anti-Depressants By Peter D. Kramer-A Review

    Ordinarily Well: The Case For Anti-Depressants By Peter D. Kramer-A Review

    Let me say first of all that I came to this book predisposed to like it. I had read Kramer’s earlier books on depression (Listening to Prozac, Against Depression) and enjoyed them  a great deal. I’m aware that there has been a controversy concerning the use of anti-depressants and their efficacy so was pleased when I found this book. In the interest of transparency, I have a personal reason for advocacy of this book, for I have a long history with depression. I’ve got reason to know that anti-depressants can be just as efficacious and life-saving as Kramer says. They have indeed made me “ordinarily well”, a person who can function in the world. Before I found the one that worked, I was immobilized by anxiety and the kind of depression that cripples a person. I regarded existence as a burden, longed to die, but was so immobilized and enervated that I lacked the energy to do anything about it. The right anti-depressant and a good psychiatrist changed that. And after several good years on the right medication, I can say that I have found I am more resilient, that I can face even potentially devastating news with a measure of equanimity,  and that I can finally say “I enjoy living.” In Kramer’s new book, he makes the case that anti-depressants ARE effective, that they have the research behind them to back this up, and they function as what he calls “co-therapists.”  He cites study after study and backs up his claims with evidence. There IS reason to be wary of Big Pharma where psych drugs are concerned, but anti-depressants just might be one of their biggest successes. Don’t stop taking your anti-depressants! If you want to know WHY NOT, read this book!

  • Ordinarily Well: The Case For Anti-Depressants By Peter D. Kramer-A Review

    Ordinarily Well: The Case For Anti-Depressants By Peter D. Kramer-A Review

    Let me say first of all that I came to this book predisposed to like it. I had read Kramer’s earlier books on depression (Listening to Prozac, Against Depression) and enjoyed them  a great deal. I’m aware that there has been a controversy concerning the use of anti-depressants and their efficacy so was pleased when I found this book. In the interest of transparency, I have a personal reason for advocacy of this book, for I have a long history with depression. I’ve got reason to know that anti-depressants can be just as efficacious and life-saving as Kramer says. They have indeed made me “ordinarily well”, a person who can function in the world. Before I found the one that worked, I was immobilized by anxiety and the kind of depression that cripples a person. I regarded existence as a burden, longed to die, but was so immobilized and enervated that I lacked the energy to do anything about it. The right anti-depressant and a good psychiatrist changed that. And after several good years on the right medication, I can say that I have found I am more resilient, that I can face even potentially devastating news with a measure of equanimity,  and that I can finally say “I enjoy living.” In Kramer’s new book, he makes the case that anti-depressants ARE effective, that they have the research behind them to back this up, and they function as what he calls “co-therapists.”  He cites study after study and backs up his claims with evidence. There IS reason to be wary of Big Pharma where psych drugs are concerned, but anti-depressants just might be one of their biggest successes. Don’t stop taking your anti-depressants! If you want to know WHY NOT, read this book!