Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: mindfulness

  • Reality Tea Cup (Poem)

    Steam rises from the tea.

    Consider these things.

    When I lift the tea cup, I do so with wonder.

    I do not think, “oh, if only I had a different vessel!”

    When I sip the tea, I do so with appreciation.

    I do not think, “oh, if only this were a different drink!”

    This is the cup; this is the tea.

    Right here; right now; where I am in this moment.

    I drink with gratitude and enjoyment.

  • What Do I Want?-The Depression Question.

    I should be feeling good right now. I had two successful visits. (One I didn’t know how it would go. But it went smoothly. And I handled having a house guest in my space much better than I thought I would. ) And seeing T is always great. We plot our plans for world domination and our escape route, should the zombie apocalypse occur. The same things we were doing back in college, minus the hoagies from that family-owned shop whose name I can’t recall. This time I cooked: socca with Gazan smashed avocado spread with zhug and a fig, olive, and walnut tapenade for starters; a minted jeweled cold lentil salad for the main course with a side of sliced tomato drizzled with 18- yr old balsamic, and for dessert, an assortment: crack cookies, GF coconut bites with choc dips, and choc covered grapes. She loved everything! Then she took me to the evil empire (Walmart version, not Steve Smith’s version) and bought me a new vacuum cleaner for my bday! It’s a good thing I pay attention to shelf talkers, b/c it rang up for 20.00 more than advertised. I insisted that we go get this rectified. 20.00 is 20.00.  and they did fix it without demur. Just took a bit of waiting in line. I do things like this. She said she wouldn’t have.

    During these visits, I was aware of a hollowness. I feel….broken. I have a rich life: friends, a valued place in the community; a job (s); a beloved companion. BUT. I hurt. I am bleeding  out emotionally. I don’t WANT to be. I fight this. I take walks in nature (without headphones, with Miss P.) I practice mindfulness and meditate. I take as good care of myself as I can. And yet. And yet. This is there. This is constant. What do I want? I’m afraid. I’m at that point of depression where if someone put two vials in front of me, one that would make me NOT EXIST and one that would just REMOVE THE DEPRESSION? Pretty sure I’d choose the NOT EXIST option.