Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: pandemic

  • Depression

    <Warning: Deals with potentially disturbing topics of depression, and suicidality.>

    I live with depression. It seems to be an inescapable part of my make-up, as I’ve ALWAYS had melancholy tinging my world a strong grey. And this is not the mild dysthymia gloominess, though that is unpleasant enough, and not something I would wish to downplay. This is the type that brings acute psychic pain, for reasons I still do not know, that meditation has not been able to allay nor medication nor any other treatment. And trust me, I have tried the gamut, up to and including ECT. And yet I’m. Holding on to the edge. Barely.

    I had a fairly decent year during the pandemic lockdown. For me. Probably because I felt as though the entire world was now catching up to the way I NORMALLY live: chronically ill; catching any and every virus-C-19, too- that came down the pike; and discovering the ways to experience the great indoors. Welcome to my world. I hardly had to people at all, except for Zoom, which I admit I find rather excruciating. Except for my Buddhist summits, as those were for the most part all watch on demand and not conversational.

    But then we went sorta back to IRL. Peopling increased. People I know died. My post-viral fatigue, asthma, and other results from this past year continue to cause problems. Seriously, if you can avoid catching or giving someone else C-19, please do so. Wear masks, socially distance, get vaccinated. Whatever you can. I read that it (the vaccine) helps with mental health also. THAT side effect obviously failed to happen with me. Too bad.

    So. Back again to feeling like I’m walking around without a skin. That hurts-a LOT. I’m trying to avoid everything at the moment, but weird things happen to just make life incredibly worse. Like, yesterday I had a really nasty encounter on what I had thought was my safe haven: a Scrabble site! All I did, as far as I can tell, was inadvertently play a player whose skill level was far above mine. I thought that I performed fairly well but at the end of the game game the player sent me a very nasty message. (I did not respond in kind, mind you. Just ensured the player was on my no-play list so we wouldn’t encounter each other again.) But why try to egregiously hurt another player? It’s just Scrabble. But I realize that I’m especially vulnerable right now. So instead of being to brush this off and go on, it resonates. I feel bothered instead of “oh, well, just another rando acting poorly.”

    Accompanying the depression is its evil brother, suicidality. I had a suicide in my life in the last 6 months, not the first I’ve experienced. I tried myself as a child. This is a longtime familiar. My tether to this world is still my beloved companion, Miss P. A big burden to place on a 28 pound whippet, I know. But when I brought her to live with me, I made a pact to love and care for her. And I take that responsibility as seriously as I do my life. In some of the meditations I do, we are instructed to focus on moments in life where we felt joy. For me those always center around her. As long as she is here, I’ll be here, if I have any say in it. Depression or no.

    I’m not meaning to say that life is unremitting bleakness. There are flashes of light. I watch a video by H.H. The Dalai Lama and find brief hope. I listen to Satie (or a friend sends me a score by Satie) and find brief inspiration. I’m able to connect people who need each other and find brief satisfaction. I write a poem and find brief creation. I share a new dish with a neighbor and find brief kinship. But are you noticing a repetition?

    I am keeping up with my studies and my meditation. I do my best to examine this life in terms of what I’ve learned: that these feelings, though acute and wrenching, are naught but feelings and thus temporary and will pass. To accept ALL of this, the depression, the suicidality, the various chronic illnesses, as being what is and not make them worse by wishing things were otherwise. Do what I can to mitigate them, yes, but also accept them. I’m trying. I’m tired. But so far, I’m also still here.

  • The Loss Of Friendships

    Since the pandemic hit, I’ve lost most of the close friendships I had. I gotta wonder, what does this say about them? What does this say about me? Why couldn’t we sustain them? Many of them were with people in my same town. The phone works just fine here, as does broadband. And yet they failed.

    I tried with my usual means: calls, email, making playlists, sending recipes, asking about family members, etc. But all of these couldn’t weave a strong enough web for the strictures of this time, evidently. I think this has to with a multitude of factors, which I’ll list below.

    The BIG one: I’m not FAMILY. During this time, everyone has retreated into their cocoons and, rightly or wrongly, been focused on taking care of those who related to them. THESE PEOPLE are their primary concern. I get this. IF you have kids or aging parents or both, this is definitely going to be where your attention goes. So you will not have much time or space for extras. Now, don’t get me wrong. In an actual EMERGENCY, folks do come through. When I was really sick, people kindly brought me food and groceries n such. But this is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking CONVERSATIONS (remember those?) and regular contact (via internet or phone).

    Another one: I don’t drive + I live in a small apartment. This means that I could not host any outdoor gatherings OR attend any, really. SOCIOECONOMIC class rears its ugly (and seldom discussed) head here. But. This was a thing. Friends would tell me about it. Early on. Or ask me if I’d attended such and such play at Barter-At-The Moonlight. While I wondered silently if they’d taken leave of their senses. And maybe it just finally became too glaring and much. So.

    A third one. I’ve withdrawn from most of the activist organizations from which I once belonged. Perhaps I’m not as interesting to talk with. Now that I don’t do THAT any longer, I’m just another older person of slight regard. I can’t advance any interests for anyone or promote any cause. I’m just me now.

    A fourth. Perhaps, and I’m going to check with my therapist and few remaining friends on this, I’ve become personally more challenging to interact with. I don’t wish to be rude, unpleasant, impolite, or not compassionate. But I am asking people to do things I think are reasonable, setting boundaries, and sometimes it doesn’t go as planned. (Case in point: A friend, who might now never speak to me again Idk, had developed a habit of telling me they would call me back but then seldom doing so. Now, this friend has a complicated life for all sorts of reasons, so I didn’t mind the not calling me back part. But I really wanted them to refrain from saying that to me, as I would expect them to call-EVEN AS I TOLD MYSELF NO THEY WON’T. it’s just not good practice, yeah? So I asked them to NOT say this. It didn’t go well. My fault, I’m sure. But I still don’t know how else I could have done it really. Sigh. ) And continue to work on my path.

    A fifth. Things, even friendships, just change. That’s the nature of ALL things. So I accept this, find pleasure in those friendships that DID survive, cherish the memories of happiness I shared with former friends, wish them well, and look forward to what new friends, experiences, and most definitely challenges, will come.