Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: skin

  • Integument (Poem For Feb 23-PouncePunk Art Challenge)

    This fragile skin encloses us all.

    A tender veil of different hues shelters each from harm.

    Pierce it, and the results come regardless of appearance.

    A common membrane ensures our well-being.

    And yet. This also defines us.

    We do not see another living being that is just like us.

    We focus on the myriad manifestations of this mortal wrap.

    You are this because. I am that because. We are not alike.

    Judgement and separation. We have built our world hence.

    Can we learn to undo this? To realize our selfsameness?

    Remake the swords of disconnection into ploughshares of compassion.

    Remove the veil of ignorance that prevents clear sight.

    Everyone and all things shine with the same pure light.

    Teach your children well.

  • How Long Can I Do This?

    My friends are encouraged that I seem better. They see me going about my normal life once more and don’t hear me talking about depression now. So the crisis must be over. Right? Wrong. I’ve just stopped waving a big flag  that says HELP on it. B/c I saw that all that really did was alarm and frustrate people. It didn’t get me anywhere. I’m still drowning here, on the verge of going under for the last time. But there is no use trying to talk.

    So. Still depressed. Still suicidal. I was riding transit today and and feeling so raw, like I had no skin. Peoples’ voices and and noises actually HURT. I was gripping the edge of the seat and thinking, just let me get to the store….I can hide out in produce or something. By the time we did get the grocery, I was almost ready to jump out of the moving bus if I had to do so. Fortunately I didn’t encounter anyone I knew at the store, and it wasn’t very crowded.  I knew that I would need time to decompress when I got home, b/c I had a meeting that evening to prepare for. (Time to prepare a face for the faces that you meet.)

    I came home. I made a new batch of the olive, fig, and walnut tapenade. (I put some aside to take down to Rick tomorrow. He will be thrilled.) I made the Gazan smashed avocado spread with zhug. (Folks at the FM loved the zhug, btw.)  I made socca. And I made a cold jeweled lentil salad with pickled red onion and basil. Ryan came over and took some home. And tomorrow I’m taking some of the labneh I made to Boyd. So the Mayhem Baking and Tea Company is doing quite well.

    I have acquired a therapist. I don’t know how he’s going to be, nor how I will pay for him. Not eat, maybe? Get fashionably thinner than I already am? But if I’m not going to give in sooner rather later to the suicidal drumbeat in my head, I need to see SOMEONE. He’s the option available at the moment, doesn’t seem terribly objectionable either as a person or a therapist, so I’ll give him a chance. I have naught to lose but some time and money. Both of which are in short shrift at the moment, but what are I am going to do? Miss P needs me. Someone has to maintain her Instagram account…..