Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: socca

  • How Long Can I Do This?

    My friends are encouraged that I seem better. They see me going about my normal life once more and don’t hear me talking about depression now. So the crisis must be over. Right? Wrong. I’ve just stopped waving a big flag  that says HELP on it. B/c I saw that all that really did was alarm and frustrate people. It didn’t get me anywhere. I’m still drowning here, on the verge of going under for the last time. But there is no use trying to talk.

    So. Still depressed. Still suicidal. I was riding transit today and and feeling so raw, like I had no skin. Peoples’ voices and and noises actually HURT. I was gripping the edge of the seat and thinking, just let me get to the store….I can hide out in produce or something. By the time we did get the grocery, I was almost ready to jump out of the moving bus if I had to do so. Fortunately I didn’t encounter anyone I knew at the store, and it wasn’t very crowded.  I knew that I would need time to decompress when I got home, b/c I had a meeting that evening to prepare for. (Time to prepare a face for the faces that you meet.)

    I came home. I made a new batch of the olive, fig, and walnut tapenade. (I put some aside to take down to Rick tomorrow. He will be thrilled.) I made the Gazan smashed avocado spread with zhug. (Folks at the FM loved the zhug, btw.)  I made socca. And I made a cold jeweled lentil salad with pickled red onion and basil. Ryan came over and took some home. And tomorrow I’m taking some of the labneh I made to Boyd. So the Mayhem Baking and Tea Company is doing quite well.

    I have acquired a therapist. I don’t know how he’s going to be, nor how I will pay for him. Not eat, maybe? Get fashionably thinner than I already am? But if I’m not going to give in sooner rather later to the suicidal drumbeat in my head, I need to see SOMEONE. He’s the option available at the moment, doesn’t seem terribly objectionable either as a person or a therapist, so I’ll give him a chance. I have naught to lose but some time and money. Both of which are in short shrift at the moment, but what are I am going to do? Miss P needs me. Someone has to maintain her Instagram account…..

  • What Do I Want?-The Depression Question.

    I should be feeling good right now. I had two successful visits. (One I didn’t know how it would go. But it went smoothly. And I handled having a house guest in my space much better than I thought I would. ) And seeing T is always great. We plot our plans for world domination and our escape route, should the zombie apocalypse occur. The same things we were doing back in college, minus the hoagies from that family-owned shop whose name I can’t recall. This time I cooked: socca with Gazan smashed avocado spread with zhug and a fig, olive, and walnut tapenade for starters; a minted jeweled cold lentil salad for the main course with a side of sliced tomato drizzled with 18- yr old balsamic, and for dessert, an assortment: crack cookies, GF coconut bites with choc dips, and choc covered grapes. She loved everything! Then she took me to the evil empire (Walmart version, not Steve Smith’s version) and bought me a new vacuum cleaner for my bday! It’s a good thing I pay attention to shelf talkers, b/c it rang up for 20.00 more than advertised. I insisted that we go get this rectified. 20.00 is 20.00.  and they did fix it without demur. Just took a bit of waiting in line. I do things like this. She said she wouldn’t have.

    During these visits, I was aware of a hollowness. I feel….broken. I have a rich life: friends, a valued place in the community; a job (s); a beloved companion. BUT. I hurt. I am bleeding  out emotionally. I don’t WANT to be. I fight this. I take walks in nature (without headphones, with Miss P.) I practice mindfulness and meditate. I take as good care of myself as I can. And yet. And yet. This is there. This is constant. What do I want? I’m afraid. I’m at that point of depression where if someone put two vials in front of me, one that would make me NOT EXIST and one that would just REMOVE THE DEPRESSION? Pretty sure I’d choose the NOT EXIST option.