Hallway to Nowhere

Tag: transit

  • Social Life? What’s THAT?

    Before Covid-19 hit, I was a facsimile of a functional human. I attended meetings of all kinds, frequent protests, and…actually had a SOCIAL LIFE. GASP! Yes, for pretty much the first time in my freaking life, I was doing things that I had always read about: I visited other people on a regular basis; friends came to hang out with me; and I even occasionally-can you believe it-had dinner parties! I went to restaurants, a play every now and then, shopped at the farmers market for produce for great produce AND to catch up on all the local haps, and loved to browse in all the downtown shops (spent a fair amount of change there, too.)

    Now this has all come to an abrupt and full stop. All meetings are done via Zoom. I did attend ONE protest for BLM in Abingdon after the shooting of George Floyd; most participants wore masks and social-distanced, EXCEPT for the police present. (My first and last in-person event. Unless the election goes badly. Then I’ll figure F-it. And join others. Democracy being at stake is worth it, yeah?) But other than ONE steadfast friend who has remarkably wonderfully decided that I shouldn’t be subjected to transit during this time, I see no-one. And really wouldn’t HEAR from anyone, except for this friend and one other friend who calls every day. Everyone else has dropped away, unless I call them. Which I try NOT to do anymore, really. Because one, it feels intrusive now. And two, it gets exhausting having to be the one always doing this. And I’m getting tired of trying when the effort doesn’t seem to be returned. It takes me awhile to learn, y’all, but eventually I DO learn what you are trying to tell me without actually telling me, yeah? So I’ll stop. Sorry for the bother.

    It’s all digital now (for me, at least), folks! Friends are electric! Since I don’t DRIVE and don’t have a YARD, I don’t get to participate in the new version of what social life is now. Friends tell me about dinner parties held outdoors and trips to the new Barter-at-the -Moonlite. This all sounds delightful. I’m happy folks are finding ways to cope. But another friend who lives in an apartment, who doesn’t drive, and who makes minimum wage and I were discussing this. Society seems to be drawing even more lines right now, and the stark differences between those who are privileged and those who aren’t get made clearer and clearer. (As if we couldn’t see them before!)

    I appreciate everyone who has reached out via text or on FB to inquire about the well-being of Miss P! As you know, SHE is more important to me than me. So that means more than I can say. So thank you all for caring about the well-being of this beautiful whippet! I love you all for that. And for the tangible gifts as well: the St. Francis medal (and a whole order nuns to pray for her!); the mishaberachs; a snuggly sheepskin rug; home-cooked meals; and an in-person priestly blessing!

    https://youtu.be/22Z4Tv1zn-shttps://youtu.be/22Z4Tv1zn-s

  • Second-wave Feminism And The Fight Against Racism

    I was listening to a friend’s cri du cuour over fighting racism. I have some thoughts on the subject. Remember that old second wave feminist slogan THE PERSONAL IS POLITICAL? Boy, howdy, whoever came up with that MUST have been from Appalachia. B/c that is how I’m seeing the battle against racism and white privilege fought here. It is being waged on a home-front battleground: in conversations in pick-up trucks on the way to Lowes; talks over family dinners; chats on transit on the way to Krogers; exchanges in front of that Confederate statue on Main; LTEs in the paper; groups teachers formed themselves in the school system; the swift retirement of a police chief. THIS is how change happens here. It might not be as swift as we wish. It might not be the sweeping overhaul we want nor need. But it IS reflective of the way we have conversations and conduct business that are ongoing with those messy things that are human beings. And I believe, to quote Sam Cooke, a change is gonna come.

  • How Long Can I Do This?

    My friends are encouraged that I seem better. They see me going about my normal life once more and don’t hear me talking about depression now. So the crisis must be over. Right? Wrong. I’ve just stopped waving a big flag  that says HELP on it. B/c I saw that all that really did was alarm and frustrate people. It didn’t get me anywhere. I’m still drowning here, on the verge of going under for the last time. But there is no use trying to talk.

    So. Still depressed. Still suicidal. I was riding transit today and and feeling so raw, like I had no skin. Peoples’ voices and and noises actually HURT. I was gripping the edge of the seat and thinking, just let me get to the store….I can hide out in produce or something. By the time we did get the grocery, I was almost ready to jump out of the moving bus if I had to do so. Fortunately I didn’t encounter anyone I knew at the store, and it wasn’t very crowded.  I knew that I would need time to decompress when I got home, b/c I had a meeting that evening to prepare for. (Time to prepare a face for the faces that you meet.)

    I came home. I made a new batch of the olive, fig, and walnut tapenade. (I put some aside to take down to Rick tomorrow. He will be thrilled.) I made the Gazan smashed avocado spread with zhug. (Folks at the FM loved the zhug, btw.)  I made socca. And I made a cold jeweled lentil salad with pickled red onion and basil. Ryan came over and took some home. And tomorrow I’m taking some of the labneh I made to Boyd. So the Mayhem Baking and Tea Company is doing quite well.

    I have acquired a therapist. I don’t know how he’s going to be, nor how I will pay for him. Not eat, maybe? Get fashionably thinner than I already am? But if I’m not going to give in sooner rather later to the suicidal drumbeat in my head, I need to see SOMEONE. He’s the option available at the moment, doesn’t seem terribly objectionable either as a person or a therapist, so I’ll give him a chance. I have naught to lose but some time and money. Both of which are in short shrift at the moment, but what are I am going to do? Miss P needs me. Someone has to maintain her Instagram account…..

  • Report on Doug Jones’ Win In Alabama

    A Democrat won in Alabama. Freakin’ ALABAMA! But before we go getting all warm and fuzzy toward the denizens of that benighted state, let me point out WHO exactly  elected Doug Jones: the African American residents, most specifically THE WOMEN! They turned out to vote for him in greater numbers than even for Barack Obama. Now, younger white voters did vote for Jones,esp. in the urban counties, but most of the older white males in Alabama voted for Moore and the majority of white women, even those who were college grads, STILL voted for Moore!

    It’s time for another Transit Report. My ever-faithful Trump-supporting transit driver had this to say: he won’t last (referring to Jones). He went on to explain himself, asking those of us captive, You DO know who voted for him, right? It was the blacks and the  women! When they settle down, everything will go back to normal.

    Alrighty, then. Let’s examine this. Implicit in this is the unstated belief that the white residents of Alabama, most particularly the MEN, are the true citizens and the ones that really matter. And that what is the natural state of affairs is for African Americans and women to KNOW THEIR PLACE and let the white folks-the white MEN- decide things.

    He is a white older evangelical, btw. So not unlike those who turned in support of Roy Moore in Alabama. Like them, he is willing to embrace anyone who claims to speak for (white) Christian values wrapped in a red, white, and blue flag. No matter their character, actions, or words. If they use the right symbols and code words, basically give the correct “not-so-secret handshake and password,” then they are IN. And this seems to be a club that you join for for life. I don’t think you get thrown out. Maybe if you do something like, Idk, become an EXTREME apostate and reject Jesus in a public manner, convert to another religion or something. But there’s ALWAYS the possibility of forgiveness, b/c these people like nothing better than a repentant sinner. After all, Roy Moore came back to the Alabama Supreme Court after being removed once. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Moore. He turns up like a bad penny.

    But good for the people of Alabama. And regardless of what my transit driver believes, the African Americans ARE residents of Alabama; the younger voters ARE residents of Alabama; and angry women EVERYWHERE who are voting, running for office, and WINNING are legitimate citizens of the United States. No-one is going anywhere.