The Tipping Point

WARNING: This blog contains possible triggering content, if you have mental health issues. Or maybe even if you don’t. Idk. Heavy seas ahead, just sayin….

I’ve been alarming my internist this past year. She’s sent the roving social worker to check on mental health state. I now have a diagnosis of “recurrent major depression” on her books. We’ve discussed this. BUT….here’s the thing, and why a trip that is upcoming to my pdoc is unlikely to prove much good:

Depression that is REALITY-based is not actual depression, far as I can see. That is more an accurate assessment of the lay of the land. And from where I sit, I have some legit claims to being a tad morose: Complicated health concerns that are painful, ongoing, getting worse; harassment in my community b/c of gender/orientation/religious beliefs; problematic living conditions; financial concerns that are unlikely to abate, as getting older brings more costs (see the “complicated health concerns”. The current political environment doesn’t help, as it fosters anxiety AND encourages those who like to bully those are different, i.e. people like ME. Ever been the target of a drive-by-Trump rant (PRO)? I have, and it’s not a pleasant thing. No idea WHY I was chosen-was wearing no political gear that day, reading no political book. Maybe I just give off “progressive vibes” or something.

My pdoc is of NO help. The last time I saw him was around the first of the year. His suggestions were to avoid politics and not read the news. Yeah, doc. How’s THAT working out for you? When I go to his office, his secretary is always playing a Christian station. Don’t know if this is HER or if HE is like this also, and that’s why he is telling me such stupid stuff. He’s the best with meds I’ve ever found, the reason I stick with him. But as a therapist, he sorta sucks.His WIFE was much better-old school, listened, AND knew her meds. But she isn’t available. He keeps this up, I might be looking for a new doc. It’s not like I need complicated meds any longer-I value his opinion on psych meds and neuro meds, and he does know his stuff. But his advice on what to do is really off base. I find it SO useless and SO offensive that I’m going to ask him for a referral when I go see him next week. As the kids say, ain’t nobody got time for that!

What I’m wondering is: when do you reach the tipping point? When you finally say on a personal level, “Enough is enough!” So far I keep telling myself I can go on. But everyday, it seems like I have to make this decision anew. It’s not a given anymore. Do most people take life for granted? I don’t. I wake up and and think about it.  Right now the balance of this is still on the LIVE side. But that might very well change. I don’t know what would cause it to tip. The death of Miss P? I could see that doing it. A bad election? Another new diagnosis?

By the way, I’ve found a home for Miss P, should something untoward happen to me (the flu, pneumonia, etc.) Thank you all, everyone, who was kind enough to consider being her new home!