though this was not forecast, rain fell in the mountains

fell in such torrents that creeks became rivers

rivers turned raging and joined with the storm

all we held dear all we called ours many we loved

washed away down ridge then the ridge itself disappeared

these days seem like that time as grief hits us hard

batters us each without end in sight

the sharing of tears holds us through this dark night 

we reach for each other in the morning

nothing restores what we’re lost, no way to bring back what is gone 

but brief glimpses of love give us strength to remember

these memories a foundation for this present home

(for R, with deep affection)

I turn away from you all

curl upon myself like a leaf

that folds when consumed by fire

I watch myself burn

icy flames reducing everything to cinders

tears do no good so laugh instead

bitterness mixing with acceptance

I wonder with detached interest

where I will go when I arise

empty and empty-handed

dirty with ashy gray smears

did he stand there before that day that hour that minute that moment

wondering what the impact would bring other than an end

was it an opportunity seized without forethought

the result of some altered state overlaid upon longstanding suffering

however he came to this act it was final 

the stop to all that had come before and one that had no backing out

death by train is not even a gamble

but a surety as certain as any high jump

its whistle blast a warning this is no playtime nor rehearsal

serving also for him afterwards a long lonely sound of mourning

the only cry of recognition the only cry of grief he received

once I caught stars like fireflies

held them close to my beating heart

released them back into the night

to shine as distant guides

now I would throw my heart to them

but it is a cold still thing

Incapable even of reflecting light

a heavy weight bound by grief

filled with tears too hard to cry

foolish foolish me, how did I presume

I know the bridge is damaged

know the poor repair

see the holes between the planks

nothing but dead air

what am I supposed to do

the only way across

turn back now or take the chance

this the coin toss

so I keep walking I keep walking

I keep walking I keep walking

I feel the boards tremble

with every step I take

the piling seems to crumble

beneath my slight weight

what am I supposed to do

I am here this day

no turning back, I’d flipped the dime

it tumbles still in play

so I keep walking I keep walking

I keep walking I keep walking

if I reach the other side

I will not look back

got no way to stop collapse

ruin into wrack

what am I supposed to do

I’m no different from you or you

gamblers all, at least I know

the bet itself is rigged-and it means nothing

so I keep walking I keep walking

I keep walking I keep walking

I eat but do not care, another act observed

another memory so leached of life

that the mere contemplation dries my mouth

and I half expect to see

carrion beetles scurry around the meal

let them feed on what remains

scraps and dregs of misguided judgements

and once their offspring hunger in turn

my flesh my bones my bitter dreams

no covered mirrors, for she did not die

still she is torn from me, a kind of death

these will be my seven days

cover the windows, lock the doors

turn off the lights

when I sit upon the lowest seat

darkness and silence settle beside me

companions without judgment or demand

yisgadal v’yiskadash sh’mei raba

words arising without ask

a shawl of comfort connecting me to ancient home

I weep and am comforted

grief makes it falter

forgetting of loss again and again

until this fact settles hard like a stone

in the the crevice of the body

love continues its passage now subterranean

the tumble and flow turning even sharp sadness

into worn river rock polished by time

yet still sometimes in the night

I feel her warm by my side and know

each moment with her was enough

eternity itself would not have sufficed

when the ground shakes in these uncertain times

when the house no longer shelters from the moment’s storms

when the heart breaks from all it’s asked to carry

when tears fall faster than the flooding rain

let us hold each other

enfolded in the expanse of silent regard

with spacious kindness for all grief

be a staff in the fog that surrounds the day

a gentle warmth in night’s approaching chill

we have mourned so many deaths and died so many times

we have loved so much and given to each other in different ways

this is now familiar space

no presumption to guide, no offer but this

let us walk together at our own pace

let us walk together in peace