he saved me from desperation
train trestle desolate water razor edge
perhaps discerned, I never knew
he called me over to join him
warm smile and gentle handshake
such generous welcome brought tears
he nodded, “it’s okay to cry”
we talked about childhood pain and getting old
he died, and I mourn that I never told him
he died, and I mourn that he is not here
he died, and I will always rejoice
that I knew him as a friend
he died. he was killed. he killed himself.
his face so gentle when he gazed towards the world
steeled in judgement when he turned towards the mirror.
perhaps. we don’t know for certain, for no one came to tell us
their hands filled with grief, the overflow of tears
all we can see is the holes that appeared in our quotidian walk
smiles not given, kindnesses not done, bits of sparkle and joy gone missing
mourn if we want and for a time, but better would be
once we notice a gap, think how to fill it anew
he left his heart here, I know
it shines in your eyes my eyes and the eyes of us all
because the tidal overwhelm of war remains,
and women cry until they have no voice
and orphaned children die in cratered streets
and everywhere men kill other men because they can.
I sit with my back straight and become glass.
all the grief of the world washes through me
and through you, a darkened ink of light.
we breathe. all we can do.
because the common squabble of life constantly rains,
and this one accuses that one over something
and words become harsh here there everywhere
and bitterness becomes ordinary coin.
I carry kindness in my pockets to give away
as do you, little bits of good to see us through the day.
we smile. all we can do.
we all do what we can. that is all we can do.
our home is a burning house,
a dying land, and a flooding sea.
we cling to blackened images,
throw our children into holes,
and think that we can swim.
we disregard the charred remains,
ignore the poisoned ground,
and turn our faces to the sky.
we wave and smile at the birds in the air,
as they kettle and soar.
does it matter that the morning sky
shades the deepening purple of a bruise,
the dark hue I saw in her eyes
just before she knocked me to the floor?
does it matter that I think the moment beautiful
when the clouds lower to cover night’s regret,
the sigh she would follow with a kiss
before she told me that nothing really happened?
does it matter that I do not care for the sun’s bright light
because she threw me into the shadows?
it does not, not at all.
I was born in the darkest hour.
from behind the grey steel bars he gave his heart to the sky
untethered without any strings not even the faint thread of hope
it burned there for a time brighter than the atomic sun
shining with all the many dreams he gathered
the stories we told him the lives we wished for our children
like him with no official warning-
though we all knew this would happen
it died with one final burst of light
the soldier’s bullet that passed through it
cried in futile sorrow as it fell to earth
the tattered shreds of our destroyed future
drift through the clouds
first breath when I open my eyes
so bitter I gag to spit out the detritus
night caught in my throat, all I dragged up from the midden
mouth coated with ash, nose with rot, fingers with slime
sleep a visit to the charnel house, waking hours a walking pyre
I constantly shed charcoal shards, a neglected trail of blackened bone
Our shoes have scuffed toes and worn heels
From walking on discarded dreams
That litter busy streets, forgotten alleys, and crumbling backways.
Our fingers grow dusty as we trail them absentmindedly
Through everyday grimy hopes
That line staircases, windowsills, and kitchen tables in rented rooms.
We do not even notice the ashes in the air,
For we have grown so used to smoke and the odor of burning down.
This is how we live.
And yet. I can see the tears in your eyes.
Among seconds lightly
Weightless without linger
Slip into between
No more here
Not ever there
Not be missed
Nor noticed gone
Having never been
Except I was and am
Does it matter
No and no and no
throw ourselves fully into the days
fill ourselves with every gaze
no fear of what’s to come
each moment the only one
love does not depart a tide
one leap enough to be alive
though not here we never leave
one breath all we have to breathe
giving all gains forever
one note a symphony everlasting
