petals so fragile they bleed from a gaze
cover the ground as bruised pavement
their colors darkening with every footstep
sepia shading recalling other wounds
those we hurry past and try not to see
we all have blows we cannot escape
cuts and marks and tender scars
some heal and in their repair transform
a sharpened jag becomes an expansive heart
so that even the tear-strewn weary earth
awash with wreckage from violent storms
is suddenly overrun with flowers
I thought myself patient and wise, building this sturdy wall
brick by hardened brick around my fearful precious self
but that surround is made of glass and guards an empty space
able to be shattered by any kind word
every day I am cut by some sharp edge, some jagged self-delusion
that I still grasp to use as mirror to see my face
how long before I’ve bled enough to drop these shards
let go such desperate need and rest
no sight, no seeing, no being seen
what I see hear feel
would you understand
not here there anywhere
but everywhere also nowhere
these the same
I do not exist nor do you or you or you
nor does anything but there is
joy light laughter brilliance love
choose the term that draws you in
expands your heart explodes your self
and here you are
vajra posed in the gem in the lotus
dancing on the branches of the jewel tree
the journey to our farm, the winding path
my father with me at his heels
the green fruit itself, carefully cut into quarters
then sprinkled with a dash of salt
my father explaining that salt cuts sourness
the first bite, I tasted the truth of this
the second brought to mind the wash of the Gulf
the third a hint of the acrid clay that lines the bayous
the fourth the slow bitterness of tears
I swallowed such realization and with a grin
held out my hand for more
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when I was young, I knew so many dangerous things
boys risk their lives for chance
in brief suicidal encounters with other boys
girls buzz their hair in swagger
for langorous forbidden dances with other girls
bodies hide different meanings
with changes and revisions often unseen
words and stones hurled from car windows
are equally capable of inflicting bloody wounds
queer fag dyke tranny used on us like knives
to carve their imagined shame into our very being
but
the most dangerous thing I knew is what I still know
we are here, have always been, will never not be
our risk brave, and we pay love’s cost
our swagger pride, and we openly embrace
we have taught each other magic
made our scars into marks of beauty
transformed their scornful terms into rallying cries
when we look at you with clear unafraid eyes
we see who you really are, so that you turn away
because you know, have always known:
we are the dangerous things
Right now I walk so uncertainly
With little knowledge of what will cause me to fall.
I can talk to a stranger with ease
But then a smile makes me flee to cry in shadows.
How to navigate this mercurial terrain baffles me.
The world shifts without warning,
While so also does my ability to adapt.
I had the illusory notion I could cope well.
This has fled, as I struggle once more.
How do I give thanks for this reminder of impermanence,
When I feel thrown back into depression’s embrace?
Surely some of my study and practice will stay
To provide a steadying influence while I falter through my day.
Thank you for teaching me patience amidst urgency.
Yes, my time here in this body is precious and brief,
And I wish to do as much good as possible for both myself and others.
But I can relax into this path
By realizing that my limitations are many and varied.
I am a traveler like everyone,
And my supplies and journey are affected by myriad different things.
The way can seem daunting, with unexpected detours and deterrents.
My progress speeds and slows and sometimes halts for awhile,
For I am not commencing alone in a void.
I continue step by step with a steady mind and open heart,
With the knowledge that eventually I will reach my destination.
While I travel, I experience pleasures and griefs on the way,
With appreciation that they are temporary and ever-changing.
Remember always that scenery is only scenery
And continue to walk.
I stand at threshold of the path.
The gateway stands before me.
I look once, twice, and yet again.
At first glance, I see a plain simple structure.
Then it appears rich, bejeweled, and ornate.
On third look, it transforms back to an ordinary entrance.
Will I pass through to start the journey?
Yes, and yes, and yes.
All I have to do choose to begin.
One step, one breath, one life at a time.
Let us consider our actions with care,
Be they verbal, behavioral, or otherwise.
Any of these done has force in the world,
With consequences unforeseen and unknown.
Each gives rise to a certain tendency of repetition,
Increasing in weight into often unconscious habit.
Patterns can trap us in complex webs
Which take a lifetime or more to unravel.
Much simpler to choose with intent.
Not easier, as we are connected with all around us.
Start now, wherever we are.