I’m feeling high anxiety these days, I confess. Under attack, even. Existentially threatened.  Let me count the ways: I’m AFAB (assigned female at birth), so there’s that. I’m trans* (FtN, female to neutrois, a nonbinary gender, which is REALLY pushing buttons for folks in the culture wars); I’m Jewish; I’m atheist (yes, you CAN be both at the same time, unlike Xtianity); I’m extremely liberal politically-Democratic Socialist. I sometimes joke that the only box I fail to tick to be every conservative walking nightmare is person-of-color. Now, though I’d have to add “immigrant” to that. Though, of course, I’m the grandchild of -gasp-RUSSIAN JEWISH IMMIGRANTS.

Recent developments have been contributing to this. I’m sure you are familiar with them, unless you have been living under a rock: the recent spate of pipe-bombs sent to prominent liberals; Trump & co.’s continued attacks on the LGBTQ community including the newest proposal to literally define folks like me out of the lexicon. (Just another reason I <3 ACLU.) And now the shooting at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh. (As an aside. Will people please stop saying JEWISH SYNAGOGUES? A synagogue is de facto Jewish. There are no other kinds! Public service announcement, and you’re welcome!)

I’m trying hard not to give in and succumb to despair. I regularly get a diagnosis now of “major depressive disorder” from my internist, but because I don’t qualify for Medicaid (even the expanded version, though I helped get it passed here in VA and so happy for Virginians it was), I can’t afford regular counseling for this. The local mental health center turns me down again and again. I do the best I can. I work to get candidates who do not support such heinous policies elected-ANTHONY FLACCAVENTO for Congress! and keep them in office-TIM KAINE for Senate! I work with organizations that promote goals that will help Virginians on a grassroots level-VIRGINIA ORGANIZING and APPALACHIAN PEACE EDUCATION CENTER.

Friends help immensely. Last night two came and took me out, so that I would not be alone after the synagogue shooting. That helped so much! There was one surreal moment, though. We were at a local microbrewery listening to a local band that I quite like. I do have to wonder at the choice of music, though. There were two songs that drove me outside for a break: The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down followed by Hillbilly Nation. I just couldn’t listen to these two songs sang back to back. I felt such a sense of being a stranger in a strange land at that instance….I mean no offence here, but these two songs? What I thought outside was that when Bowers said that “I can’t sit by and let my people get slaughtered….”, well, THESE were probably HIS people in his mind. I felt so out of place and then immediately felt worse for feeling that because people here in Abingdon HAVE been kind and welcoming to me, a great many of you. So.

I’m listening to Jason Isbell a LOT these days….this is for everyone who like me might be struggling:

Somehow I’ve become one of those people I used to run from-those whose life seems to be a train wreck…..Why is my life like this? I’ve got complicated health problems. Given the current health care system in the U.S., this does not make my life easy. My living situation is problematic-I rent from a private landlord and live on his personal property, in a small apartment built into his his garage. Before this election we had coexisted peacefully, despite vast political and religious and cultural differences. He is a conservative Evangelical Xian though probably not as conservative as his wife and relatives. I know that he himself dislikes Trump and the mess in Washington. But we have clashed b/c he does not understand my concern over environmental conditions ( I discovered mold in my AC) nor share them. And I fear that if I push TOO much, I’ll be asked to move. My apartment is affordable (for now, though he’s recently raised my rent) and is in a very convenient location (Historic District) in town.  And then there’s the recent breakdown of several pieces of my electronica…my Iphone died (dead, defunct, deceased); my vacuum cleaner also died, and as I mentioned earlier my AC has mold in it though that’s my landlord’s to replace, not mine, and he’s NOT replacing it-I scrubbed it out for several hours after I discovered this and now spray it with hydrogen peroxide every week, but I fear that’s the bolting the barn door after the horses have escaped, sigh.

I console myself somewhat with the fact that I’m not the only one experiencing a breakdown of daily structure-many I know are experiencing similar struggles. A friend who lives in a different state and who has a good job with decent insurance recounted a problem getting a prescription filled lately. It took multiple phone calls to the pharmacy AND to her physician. This was not an out of the ordinary med but something she took on a routine basis and was generic.  And the tales I hear on transit from bus denizens who doesn’t have really ANY resources are truly harrowing, not to mention some of the stories I get told from the folks I “meet” whilst phonebanking….they break my heart, they do. So a lot of us are hurting out here.

I find myself chasing my tail and playing catch-up from one month to the next. I keep telling myself that myself that things will get better but I think I’m going to stop that. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I guess that life now is just going to be fucked up for an indefinite time. I’ve tried to seek help from different sources, to no avail. So I’ll just do the best I can, and if my best isn’t good enough?  Well….

I grew up in Mississippi. When things get tough, you turn to the blues. I’m posting this video of Son House doing Walking Blues, b/c one, he was a phenomenal musician and two, I got to hear him and meet him before he died.

https://youtu.be/Wl5BiHw74xU